My first time

I was challenged by my good friend Alayna to write about carving pumpkins. I decided to take on the challenge and here I am, posting about my first pumpkin carving experience. I thought it was appropriate being Halloween and all.

I had never carved pumpkins before, it is really not a tradition in Colombia, I don’t really get it but it was fun. In Colombia we dress up and go to a party or trick or treating. But hey carving pumpkins is all good too.

Alayna has been carving pumpkins since she was little, so she helped me and instructed me through the process. She was taking the top off, because for a very strange reason they didn’t trust me with big knifes (something about being accident prone, I don’t know), and when she got done I got very excited. It was as though I was a 4 year old girl with her very first pumpkin. I had a huge smile, I wanted everyone to see it, and I wanted tons of pictures of the event. It was epic for me, it was my first time.

That was not the first first time I’ve had in my life. Especially since I moved to the States I have been able to experience a lot of new things for the first time. My first Easter with bunnies, eggs and rabbits (I still don’t get it), my first thanksgiving, my first Christmas on the 25th, my first labor day, my first chocolate gravy; anyway the list is endless.

Every time I experience a first time I get really excited, I love being able to try new things and I am very open to new cultures, new ideas and simply new ways of doing things; I just love it. But having that reaction made me think of my second time. Will I be as excited next year when I carve my pumpkin? Will I take pictures and smile and enjoy myself?

I guess it is normal to feel that way; first times have something magical about them. But I don’t want to lose the excitement; I don’t want to lose that joy that I feel just because I am doing something out of the ordinary.

I couldn’t stand the heat of the Las Vega desert; now that I am not living there anymore I must admit I miss the dryness that once excited me when I first got there. Why is it that we allow for negative thoughts to crawl into great experiences? I don’t want to sit 4 years from now and complain about the mess at the end of my pumpkin carving experience. I want to smile big again and show everyone how the top of my pumpkin is out (even though I am not allowed around big knifes).

Living far away from my family has made first experiences possible on second, and third, and fourth times. Every time I see them I am as excited as I was the very first time I came to visit. Calling them is a must, I can't go more than a couple days without hearing their voices. Every day I am grateful for them and when I get a chance to spend time with them I make sure I savor every second.

When I had them all the time I didn't feel that way, I took them for granted and let me tell you I regret that approach. I know it is easy to get so comfortable having people or experiences in your life that you forget they are daily gifts. But it is our responsibility to remind ourselves we are blessed to have the people we have around us, we are blessed to be able to carve pumpkins and paint eggs for Easter (I really don't get it, but it looks like fun nonetheless).

I want to approach every relationship, every experience, every moment as though it was my fist time. I don't want to take things for granted to find myself missing them once I don't have them anymore. My first time carving pumpkins was beyond fun, but I will make sure my second and third and fourth are even better. After all, I know there will be something new every time I get a chance to do it.

The standard of the heart

After a very long relationship I decided to stay single for a while. I would love to tell you I loved it and it was fun and easy, but I’d be lying, many times I wished I was with someone, many times I really disliked being alone, but at one point I just accepted the fact and I stayed single.

I know all of you can relate to me when I say being single sometimes gets frustrating when you get the “when are you going to get a boyfriend?” question over and over again. Most of my friends are either getting married, married or in a serious relationship; and it seems to me that some people in those seasons just can’t stand the idea of a person that has been single for a long time, it’s like it affects their ability to breath or something. I am sure they just want the single crowd to experience the joy they are experiencing, but to the people that are single it seems like they are out to annoy us.

I am not single anymore, and I will do my best not to ask the dreaded question; I owe it to my single years!

I was thinking about all the times I got asked when I was going to get a boyfriend and I remember thinking to myself; what makes you think I want one right now? there were many times were I knew I just didn't want one. I mean I wanted to be with someone, but I knew I didn't want a boyfriend because of where I was with my own life.

Could I have gotten a boyfriend a lot earlier than I did? Absolutely! I am not saying that to sound conceited or anything like that. I am saying that because it’s true, and it is true not only for me but for everyone. Anybody can start a relationship anytime, people don’t like being alone, we are gregarious beings; it is in our nature to want to be with someone. So if we all don’t want to be alone it is easy to find someone to be with. Being single is really a decision you make, it’s definitely not something that happens to you.

I don’t know why all people stay single, I do know, however, why I did. After a very long relationship ended I found myself alone again. It is crazy but it seems like after you have spent so much time with a person it is hard for you to define who you are. It is hard to determine what parts of you are not really yours, but instead were parts of the relationship you were in. I had to figure out who I was, my identity had been paired up with that of the relationship I was in and when the relationship was over it it took with it my identity.

I found myself not knowing what to do in simple, day to day situations because I had been taken out of who I was. Well, no wonder my relationship failed, I entered in it without full understanding of who I was, therefore I put in him and what we had the responsibility to define me. That is not what a relationship is supposed to do for you.

So I spent a great deal of time trying to be able to answer the question “who are you?”. I would spend hours trying to define my identity and I tried different things to get to the right answer to the very intricate question. Well, that took some months of my life, months I definitely needed to spend by myself. It would have been suicidal to even try and start a relationship right there.

After finding out who I was I started talking to people again, I thought I was ready to be social. I wasn’t really looking for anybody; I was more trying to get comfortable in my own new skin. Unavoidably, people started to show interest in me (remember we want to be with someone, we all show interest just because we are human). Well, the most interesting thing happened; I realized that something changed in me as I went on my quest to find my identity; my beauty standard was brand new.

Things I used to find appealing weren’t even interesting, things I used to look for appeared insignificant, things everybody said you should look for I didn’t really care about. My standard became a standard of the heart, all I really cared about was finding a beautiful heart, and everything else was secondary.

I got so comfortable looking at people that way that beauty became something much more… well, beautiful. Whenever I had a chance to talk to people their heart would be what would determine their beauty and I was amazed at how many people seemed truly beautiful to me. As I was looking at their heart their appearance would change too; people that I would not consider good looking before are now stunning in my eyes. Some other people that used to be gorgeous are pretty plain now.

I don’t know about you but when it comes to spending the rest of your life with someone I want to make sure I base my attraction for them on the right criteria. I want to be completely sure they are astonishing according to my standard of the heart. After all a mere physical standard will fade away and you may end up without the looks or the heart!

The best life possible

I had a good life in Colombia, I came to realize that when I moved away. I didn't have to work, I didn't have to pay bills, I didn't have to clean my house or worry about dinner, breakfast, lunch. I didn't even have to worry about buying my deodorant, or shampoo, or soap, Mommy took care of those things for me. All I had to do was make sure I was doing well in school, make sure I wasn't making any stupid decisions, and then every Monday I had to go down to my Mom's office and ask for my weekly allowance.

I had a good life in Colombia but it wasn't the best life I could have. It wasn't challenging, it wasn't allowing for me to grow, it was just very very very comfortable. When people meet me they automatically assume I am another immigrant in distress who moved to America in search of the American dream. Well, that is not the case for me. I moved because I want to have the best life possible, I needed to step out of my comfort zone and I had to try something new. I wanted to succeed in my own eyes; and I am not talking about money, I am talking about fulfilling my dream.

I have been talking to a lot of people lately, a lot of successful people. People that are either living in their dreams or getting there; and I found one common denominator; they all gave a good life up. The thing is when all of them gave it up, they ended up having really bad lives, they all ended up living in bad places, with not enough money to survive, or in the really good months, just enough money to pay the bare minimums. Well, I've been there, I am not in the not enough season anymore, I am in the just enough and listening to their stories was very encouraging.

So I decided to get to a conclusion, to get to your best life possible you have to be willing to go through a "not so hot of a life" period. The road to your best life, unfortunately, goes through, around and inside the woods of crappy town. The thing is that when you make the decision to go visit crappy town you are usually in good life town, so you often look back from crappy town and wonder "is it worth it?".

I can't really speak from experience here, I believe I am just walking out of crappy town but I still have some of my boxes there, I haven't moved out entirely yet. I speak from seeing others go through what I have been going through for the past 2 and a half years. I am speaking from a very biased stand point, I just want to believe making the decision to move out of good town was worth it, even when there is a season, or even a couple, that I have to spend at crappy town.

I believe there is a potential we all have to reach, I honestly think we all have something amazing we are supposed to do in our life time, we just settle in good town because we are not willing to get our hands dirty at crappy town. But fulfilling our destiny, is way more exciting and fulfill. As soon as you make it to that best life possible, I believe you don't even think about how dirty your hands got, it won't matter.

I had a good life in Colombia but I wouldn't trade my good life in Colombia for the lessons, the independence, the growth and the relationships I have been able to come across as I lived in crappy town. It wasn't easy, it was actually quite challenging but I would do it all over again. I believe you will never get to your best life possible if you are not willing to give up your good life, so you either let go of you dream or you let go of your comfort zone.

My mirror moment

Friday was a really bad day for me, everything just seemed to be working out to either annoy me, upset me or make me sad. I lost my laptop's power cord (which explains why I haven't been able to blog), work was insane, I realized didn't have a way to get to LA to fly to Colombia next month, I got bad news from everywhere and I got yelled at by 3 different people. If you know me you know the yelling alone would have done it. I don't handle it well when I get yelled at, it just depresses me, and makes me cry. Now add yelling to everything else and there, voilà, that was my Friday morning.

By 2:30pm I was ready to call Mom and cry my eyes out, tell her I wanted to go home, and I was done with this whole "let's grow up" thing I am trying out. But then I decided to be act like a 26 years old and suck it up. Well around 3:00pm I saw an email that made me really sad, by 4:00pm I got a phone call that didn't help my already crappy day, at 4:15pm I went online and saw another email that caught me off guard and upset me very very much. Needless to say by 4:30pm I broke down, I started crying like a baby and ended up talking to a good friend here in San Diego. He solved one of the things that were upsetting me and he talked to me, which helped a whole lot but I was still not ok (thanks btw, I knew there was a reason we keep moving to the same city).

I had to work that night, so I got ready and drove to J and 3rd, where I work at night on the weekends. I got there a little early so I went in the bathroom to change and just take a breather before work. I was still upset, and I looked like crap because I had been crying. So, I changed, took my makeup bag out of my purse, did my best to look better and I stood there for a few minutes. As I was looking at myself in the mirror I just said "today will get better, it will just get better". Then I got a text that said "Jo I know bad days are horrible but I know it will get better, big smiles =)))". And right there, in the bathroom, I decided my night was going to erase my crappy day.

I started working and suddenly my supervisor showed up, we started talking and he mentioned a couple details about his life and what he's been up to; I responded with as much wisdom as I can. It was such a good, honest conversation, I honestly felt like I was of some use. After that the chef of the restaurant (I valet for a restaurant downtown on weekend nights) showed up, he's a funny guy and he calls me Shakira because I am Colombian. He started singing a Shakira song and asked me if he could park his car in front of the Valet booth. I told him he could get a ticket and said I would hold the next "legal" available spot for him. 20 minutes went by, someone was leaving and we were able to park the chef's car in a really good spot.

My night was getting better, honestly I was just having a good attitude, smiling and trying not to think about what made my earlier Friday a mess. Later I met a couple people that were amazing and wanted to help me with some things I mentioned, they loved me but I had just met them. Two of the managers of the restaurant tipped me for no good reason, and I got off earlier because it was just a slow night, I was going to go home and get good rest! As I was getting ready to leave the chef asked me to wait for a couple minutes. I waited and suddenly a runner came out with this amazing salad with the best tasting fish on top of it, the chef wanted to thank me for helping him with his car!

The food was insanely good, the conversations were amazing, I got a couple text messages that made me smile even more, my day really did get better. Now I am not trying to say that all you have to do when you are having a crappy day is look at your running mascara in the mirror and say, my day will get better. What I am saying is that it came down to making a decision, I decided my day was not going to suck anymore, and it didn't.

All of the things that happened to me after my mirror moment before work could have been dismissed. Actually if I would have allowed for my crappy day to determine my attitude at my weekend job I probably wouldn't have been nice and then I wouldn't have gotten free food, some extra cash and great conversations.

Even if I would have gotten something I probably would have looked at it from a negative stand point; "he's going to give me only a $5.00 tip, really?", "fish? it's 11:00pm. Who eats fish at 11:00pm seriously?", "What are this jokers talking about? Shouldn't they go eat dinner and leave me alone?", "My supervisor should just go work, what is he doing here?", "Why doesn't he text me back, ugh he's taking forever". Those are just some ideas of the things that could have gone through my head if I would have decided to go keep my bad day as my focus, but none of those thoughts really came to mind because I had made a decision earlier; my day was going to get better.

I think there is always something to smile about, we just decide not to see it. There is always something positive, we just dismiss it. There is always an opportunity to change a blue day into the brightest of days, we just choose not to. I will have many more bad days, but I will make an effort to go to the bathroom, look at myself in the mirror and change my stinking attitude.

I always win

Most times when I say I love sports people look at me like I am either lying or a freak. I understand you know, not only am I a girl but I am a tiny, girly girl, so well yeah they can have their doubts. But I really do, I love watching sports, and I love playing sports; I've tried every possible sport out there. I've played soccer, tennis, squash, racquetball, golf, football, baseball, basketball, croquet, pool, carom billiards, ping pong, volleyball, and a couple made up sports my sister or my friend Camilo decided to come up with. I have never, ever, ever been good at any sport, I just naturally suck. The ones I've been mildly decent at are water skiing and horse back riding; but I was never exceptionally good, I was just better than I was at any other sport I tried.

Not only do I manage to suck more and more as I play more and more. I also manage to injure myself badly every time I try to play anything. It is not that I am not coordinated, I can do pilates, kick boxing, aerobics and pretty much any gym related activity with excellence. In fact I quick butt when it comes to this sort of thing. Sports, on the other hand, not so much. I am just not wired that way.

I went to a restaurant with some friends a couple days ago and they had pool tables there. Most of them like playing pool so they started playing. At one point Ben, one of my friends, decided we were all playing in teams of 2 in a mini tournament thing he set up. We draw names and everything was set to start "competing". Now we were not like trying to kill each other or anything, we were having fun but I realized something about the way I play any kind of sport. Out of 4 teams mine was hmm well 4th, and I was completely fine with that.

I don't think I've ever won a game, any kind of game, not once have I won. Being a perpetual loser makes you find value in different things so that you can still call yourself a winner when you are down 11-0 on your soccer game (that is not a made up score, it actually happened in high school against a German school of girls that looked like German humongous guys). So I noticed when I play any kind of game I play to either have fun, or to learn. If I achieve either one I feel I've won. And you can call me a loser in denial, that is fine with me, but my method works in my head and makes me smile.

It works so much I decided to translate my outlook on sports to many areas of my life. Everything I do, I do to either learn or have fun. You can't really get frustrated with many things if that is your outlook on everything you try right?

Playing to have fun

When my goal is not to win but to have a good time it doesn't matter what happens in the game, it will be a good game. When my goal is to have fun I won't engage in certain conversations, I won’t play certain games, I won’t start certain relationships, I won’t do many things because I know, it is guaranteed will not be fun.

I moved to San Diego 2 and ½ months ago. For almost 2 of those months I didn’t have a job. I applied to some jobs and then I stopped looking. I realized every time I was looking I’d be frowning, I’d be unhappy. Just the thought of some of those jobs, the boredom, the lack of goals, the inability to wear jeans, the mandatory 9-5 schedule… ahhhhhh it mad me sad, it frustrated me; and that was just the thought of it. Just thinking about it would make me cringe and be blue and cranky. So I decided to stop looking after a couple weeks, I just couldn’t look for something that would make me miserable.

Well I have a job, it’s not a dream job, it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life but it’s perfect for what I need right now. And most importantly I have fun!

Now I am not saying that everything that is not fun you shouldn’t do, that will make everyone reading this blog stop filing taxes and I can’t respond to the IRS for that. I am saying whatever you do make sure you have fun, if you are filing taxes heck make it fun, if you are washing dishes find out a way to have a good time. Now, if fun is absolutely impossible then make sure you are learning, if both are not there then don't do it, what for?

Playing to learn

Growing up I never had free Saturdays. You know how all kids in the world had the opportunity to watch their favorite TV shows, or play with friends or do something not school related on Saturdays? Yeah I didn’t have that.

My Mom enrolled me in every possible class available. I always had classes Saturday mornings, it was a must for me; I never had an option. I was in vocal expression, guitar, percussion instruments, corporal expression, tennis, drama, English, Etiquette, modeling classes… and the list goes on, and on it's nuts. My Saturdays where just another school day. You may think I am a freak but I love it and my kids may have to deal with their Saturdays not being open! I am so happy my Mom made me take all those classes, I learned so much from all of them.

I think that because of my childhood Saturdays I try to learn as much as possible whenever I am doing something. Learning is a matter of choice; so if you chose to enter a game, a conversation, a job, a relationship, anything really; planning on learning, then you win no matter what.

One time I was at a friends house, her and her husband said we should play cranium, and then they said “let’s play guys against girls”. We all agreed and started to play. Well, I left happy that night, I had tons of fun that is for sure, but after that day I decided never to play a game guys against girls. Sure I had a great time because I entered the game planning on having fun and/or learning, as it was my first time playing cranium and playing with most of the people there. I learned a lot about the people playing with me, I did not learn how to play cranium, and I had a great time. Most of the people playing with me, however, did not have a good time, it was frustrating for them, it became a competiton and suddenly we found ourselves in the middle of an argument regarding the rules, an hr and a half into the game!

In life many decisions are based on what you’ve learned in the past, if we dismiss our learning experiences we will find ourselves making the same mistakes over and over again. So I have decided to try to learn as much as possible everytime I am doing something, even if that means that I learn something about myself I don't really like.

So whenever you are around me or people like me, know that we will win no matter how good, or talented or awesome you are. The good news is that with us you can win too.

Be cruel to be kind

As much as Iago is my absolute favorite Shakespeare character, my favorite quote is by Hamlet “I must be cruel only to be kind”. I don’t know when the first time I read that was, but I remember relating to Hamlet when I did. It was beautiful, I read what Hamlet said and my eyes got big and bright and I felt like finally someone got me, you all should have been there.

Ben is a good friend and mentor I have here in San Diego. He asked me a question once; and you got to understand this is my mentor, I respect this man, whatever he says I do; and then he went am I fat Jo? I had to answer truthfully; I had to tell him what I thought. So without even thinking about it, without blinking I said yes you are. Ok now I must admit he is not what you would consider a fat individual, but I do think he was a little over his normal weight when he asked me that question. He started laughing and he mentions he’s fat (even though he really isn’t), or he’s lost weight, or he started a new diet, or something weight related at least once a week.

I know he was uber skinny some years ago and he’s been meaning to lose those extra pounds for a while now. So I am not going to take credit for his attempt to get into a healthier, better looking shape. I will, however, take credit for the honesty that makes him keep asking me questions, because he knows I will say exactly what I think and not what he wants to hear. Now granted that is a silly example I will answer you with the same honesty no matter the question.

Many times we are put in situations where we have to say things we know may hurt the person we are talking to, but wouldn’t it hurt them even more if we weren’t honest? Being honest and kind doesn’t mean you get to tell people things they will love you for, it means you tell the truth even when the consequences are not all that exciting. In fact it is quite the opposite of honesty and kindness to give an answer based on how people will respond, that is called manipulation.

When we lie to people not to hurt them we are doing many things but protecting them, we are protecting ourselves instead. We are so egocentric we would rather have people like us than help them out risking they won’t speak to us again. When we lie to people we are telling them we don’t care about them enough to deal with whatever consequences come with telling the truth. And I don’t know about you but I can’t handle when I know someone is saying something out of sheer compromise and not because they mean it.

Now I tend to be brutally honest, I am like a bulldozer that runs all over people’s loved gardens. That is not ok, I am very well aware of my little problem =D and I am working on it. But deciding not to be brutally honest is not a license to lie. I won’t lie when you ask me a question, I will definitely tell you exactly what I am thinking, and I am getting better at doing it more tactfully and not just blurting yes Ben you are fat. I will however not tell you anything if you don’t ask. Sometimes it is simply wiser to keep your opinion to yourself, if people are not asking for your input you don’t need to give it. Actually in many occasions they don’t want you to give it.

Now I am not saying that if someone is in self destruct mode you are to completely ignore their problem if that person doesn’t ask for advice or help, by all means say something before they achieve their goal of destruction! I am saying that person’s quirkiness, the things that annoy you about them, those things you think they could change to be better; you can ignore those and keep loving them with them. Being blunt doesn’t mean we get to be jerks just for the fun of it. And even though sometimes we seem like jerks for being honest, being blunt means we are direct and wise no matter what the response is.

Many times I have been cruel in order to be kind, when I tell people the way I feel about their decisions I do it with the best intentions in mind. Many times in the past I have lost friends, I have gotten talked about and I have been left alone because I have given people honest input, I have said those things people don’t really want to hear. Would I do it again? In most cases I would, in some others I would refrain from saying anything at all but I will never, not in a million years tell you something I don’t agree with only to get to you to like me and call me when you have something fun to do.

I guess it all comes down to a decision, would you rather be trusted or be liked? I made the decision a long time ago that I want to be trusted, being liked is not my responsibility; therefore trying to change that by myself would make absolutely no sense, it'll backfire on me. Trust, however you build, it is on you how much people trust you, so nobody can steal that from you.

Being cruel to be kind may be unavoidable if you are in a relationship where you want to trust and be trusted. So you can all expect cruelty from me.

The risk of not risking

Recently I decided to take a risk that feels like the biggest risk I've taken in a long time. It is so scary to step out of your comfort zone and walk into a brand new world were everything is unknown and unpredictable. Taking risks is never really something that comes easily; I don’t think it is our natural instinct to take risks. I think it is a conscious decision we make, completely against our natural behavior.

I met someone a while ago, he is sweet and caring and honest, everything seemed to be better than I ever thought it could be, he is pretty much incredible and he doesn’t stop to amaze me. After months of talking and getting to know each other I found myself standing in front of the threshold of a doorway not knowing what I had ahead of me, I started to back out. Talking to my Dad he pointed out I have gotten too comfortable being alone, I had to make the decision; staying alone and walk away from something that had the potential of being absolutely phenomenal, or open that door and run inside not knowing what was on the other side.

The comfort zone is so alluring; it seems like the place where you’ll be the happiest. It is where everything is known and we call the shots, we are experts. Not stepping out of our comfort zones can be extremely damaging though. Risks allow for growth, for rewards, and for you to have a much better story to tell your grandchildren. Not taking them steals all of the above.

Growth

When we take a risk it is not really about what we are going to accomplish by taking the risk, instead it is about the process. It really doesn’t matter what kind of risk we are taking the process we have to go through in order to achieve whatever it is we are set out to do is a learning process. As all learning processes it comes with growth.

Failing is always an option when you take a risk, when we are willing to jump off the airplane the possibility of the parachute not opening is always there. Before engaging in a new adventure I have to accept the possibility of failure. But the beauty of risk taking is that even when you fail, you grow; every possible outcome allows a process, a process allows learning, learning allows growth.

What we have to consider, more than the possibility of failure, is that the possibility of succeeding if we don’t try doesn’t exist. No matter the situation, no matter if you are having a fairly good life. The only way you can guarantee absolute failure, where not even learning is involved, is if you don’t even decide to step out of your comfort zone and take a risk. I think I can handle the possibility of failure where growth is part of the process, much more than the guarantee of complete failure.

Rewards

There are so many things going on around us we are unaware of. When we step out and take risks there are a series of things that start moving. Did you ever play The Incredible Machine (TIM)? I used to play it with my dad and my sister all the time. It is a computer game where they give you a certain amount of random things to build a machine. They tell you where the machine starts and what it is supposed to do; pop a balloon, start a motor, wake a cat up…

As you were setting all the different parts of the machine you would find yourself setting a starting mechanism, something that would jump start the machine so that everything you put would work. Taking a risk is that self starting mechanism; it is that something that sparks initiative and makes many other things start moving so that a goal can be achieved.

There are some obvious rewards we will get by stepping out and taking risks, growth being one of them. But we also get innumerable unexpected rewards we will never get if we don’t jump out of the airplane. Rewards are all over the place but we can’t see them or have access to them if we never start the machine by taking a risk.

If I am going to commit to taking risks I might as well commit completely, sure I am starting with saying yes to changing my “marital” status( and only my constant smile and unparalleled joy have been great rewards), but it is only the beginning of many opportunities to stand right by the airplane door and jump. The more I jump, the higher I will able to go the next time I try.

A better story

Men will always be making mistakes as long as they are striving after something. Goethe

Making mistakes is beautiful, every mistake is a chapter in our book, every mistake is a step closer to that thing we are striving for, every mistake is a twist on the best story ever told; ours. I decided I want my life to be a best seller; sure I can have a book in the back of a grocery store in a stack that is marked down from its original price. It is still a book, it is still in display, but it’s not up to its potential. I want my life to be a best seller, but the only way I can make it the book you see when you walk into the bookstore, the book with the light shining on it; is by striving for something, by taking risks and writing and rewriting chapters full of mistakes and faux pas.

I don’t want to tell a story of success. Honestly, that is not my goal. I want to tell a story where I took risks, where I went through thresholds even when afraid. I want to sit with my grandchildren and tell them about a life where risks where constant and mistakes where made, but all in all it was a life worth living.

Raise your hand before someone else says something, take that trip you’ve been thinking about, kiss that person you’ve been wanting to kiss, buy those flowers you’ve meaning to give, say the things you have stored in your heart, start that business you been meaning to start, ask that favor you need to get to where you want to get. Take a risk, take it today and don’t risk not risking at all.

Care more

Fiorello LaGuardia was the mayor of New York City during the dark days of the Great Depression and throughout World War II. Perhaps the most popular of all New York mayors, he was adored by his citizens, many of whom called him the Little Flower, because he was only five feet tall (plus a little bit) and always wore a carnation in his lapel. He was a mayor of the people, always listening to them, because he felt one with them. He rode the New York City fire trucks, raided city speakeasies with the police department, took entire orphanages to baseball games, and during the New York newspapers strike, read the Sunday funnies to the kids on the radio.

LaGuardia was always looking for opportunities to listen. On a bitterly cold night in January of 1935, he entered a night court that served the poorest ward of the city. He dismissed the judge for the evening and took over the bench himself. One of the plaintiffs was a haggard street person charged with stealing a loaf of bread. She told LaGuardia that her daughter was sick and had been deserted by her husband and that her two grandchildren were starving.

But the shopkeeper from whom the bread had been stolen refused to drop the charges. "It’s a real bad neighborhood, Your Honor," the man told the mayor. "She’s got to be punished, to teach other people around here a lesson."

LaGuardia sighed. He turned to the woman and said, "I’ve got to punish you. The law makes no exceptions. Ten dollars or ten days in jail." As he was pronouncing the sentence, he reached into his pocket and extracted a bill and tossed it into his famous hat, saying, "Here is the ten-dollar fine, which I now remit; and furthermore I am going to fine everyone in this courtroom 50 cents for living in a town where a person has to steal bread so that her grandchildren can eat. Mr. Bailiff, collect the fines and give them to the defendant."

The following day, New York City newspapers reported that $47.50 was turned over to a bewildered woman who had stolen a loaf of bread to feed her starving grandchildren. Fifty cents of that amount was contributed by the grocery store owner himself. Some 70 petty criminals, including people with traffic violations, as well as New York City policemen, each of whom chipped in 50 cents, gave the mayor a standing ovation.

I love that story, it makes me cry every time I read it. It is amazing to me how situations can be changed only if you have a person willing to take action, to look at things from a different angle.

Take action

More often than not we complain about all of the injustices we see in the world instead of doing something about them. We have the most amazing ability to point out those things we dislike but when it comes to doing something about them it is like they don't bug us all that much. I read somewhere sometime that if you aren't part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.

There are really only two ways we can handle something that is not right; we can ignore it, or do something to change it. Complaining and whining about it is really not an option, it doesn't help, it doesn't change the way we feel, at most it annoys people around us. Complaining only proves we are unwilling to improve. It is better to see things we dislike as opportunities to make positive changes than nagging reasons.

Sometimes it takes more to take action than to complain, but either way we are spending our time, we might as well spend it wisely, making an honest effort to solve a problem instead of adding to it.

Be empathetic

I have complained about things I can't believe people would do, only to find myself doing them when I am put in the situation they were in. I am not saying that all things are ok, I am not saying all actions are excusable; I am saying we can't judge others if we've never been in their shoes.

No matter how hard of a heart we have, there are things that we all feel compassion for. In some shape or form we all care how someone feels and we hurt when they hurt, we just brush it off.

When we open ourselves to those feelings of compassion we start being more empathetic and we start caring more. It is not bad to feel for other people, it is what makes us human. When you try seeing from other people's perspective, when you try an imagine how you would react if you were in the position they are in, you start seeing things from an angle that makes everything a different shade of blue.

LaGuardia did what most of us are scared of doing, he cared! that made him one of the most loved politicians the city of New York has ever seen. But beyond that, because he cared he was able to help many, touch many, change many and love many. I don't think it is possible to care too much so wherever we are at as far as caring, we can always get better at it.

What does it feel to be alive?

Good concerts became very rare in Colombia after Guns and Roses was there in 1992, people went crazy and destroyed everything around the concert's venue. After years and years of very occasional underground bands someone decided to bet on the Colombian music lovers and out of nowhere they started announcing Metallica was going to visit Bogotá at the end of 1999.

I was 17 years old and I was pretty girly, just like I am nowadays. My best friend was as girly as me, but she was also the hottest girl in my school. You know that girl that all the guys want to ask on a date, and all the girls are jealous about because she's perfect? That was my best friend. Well, we decided we wanted to go to the concert everyone was talking about, we wanted to see Metallica live!

I remember there were people traveling from other cities in Colombia to see the band and that the one rock radio station in Bogotá, Radioacktiva, was asking people to get there early as the lines were going to be insane. I told my Mom I wanted to go and she agreed to drop me and my friend off at 7am at "El Parque Simon Bolivar" (the version of central park in Bogotá), where the concert was going to take place.

We woke up super early, put on our cute little jeans, nice dark t-shirts and comfy shoes, and got in the car with Mom. We got there and there were thousands of people in interminable lines of metal strapped boots over dark skinny jeans, leather jackets and really bad haircuts. We looked out of place to say the least, but we didn't really care, this was an adventure.

After a couple hours we ran into some friends of her and we followed them around like lost children follow a security guard. The lines weren't really moving, but we were sitting in the floor having a good conversation and we were people watching (the most fun of sports); so we were having a good time. The concert was supposed to start at 7pm, but they opened the doors at 3pm and the lines started moving a little faster, and people started getting very excited. Some people were singing One and The Unforgiven trying to hide their very noticeable accent, we felt like we were rebels being part of something cooler than ourselves.

We got searched 3 times before we were able to go in and then we found a spot on the right hand side of the park were we sat down. We ran into numerous friends and had conversations about music, drugs (we never did drugs so don't get alarmed), politics and life; it was just fun. At 7pm a local band started playing, they were ok but people wanted to see Metallica; we wanted to see Lars Ulrich's hands banging the drum sticks against the drums. We wanted to hear James Hetfield sing "Hush little baby, dont say a word, and never mind that noise you heard. Its just the beast under your bed, In your closet, in your heeeeeaaaaaad".

After the local band there were 45 minutes of people coming on and off the stage to get the crowd excited (as though we needed them!) but finally, almost at 8pm Metallica was on stage. They were singing Master of Puppets and I didn't know the lyrics to it but I was having the best time. After a couple songs I started feeling dizzy, there were a lot of people and most of them were smoking around me, I wasn't used to that. Suddenly everything was black, I could hear the music but I couldn't see anything, I couldn't feel anything.

Yeah, I fainted! When I woke up I was in one of the emergency tents they had set up on the side of the park in a hill. They were playing One and I was bummed, my friend was laughing at me and nodding, her friends were making fun of one of the guys because he panicked, and then after I was feeling better and they put alcohol in the back of my neck and gave me water and a couple other things to drink, we walked outside. We could see everything from that hill and at that exact point Mr Hetfield said something in Spanish nobody understood and then he said "What does it feel to be alive, mother*insert cuss word here*?".

Everyone went nuts, we could see 100.000 people yelling, throwing their arms in the air and jumping because James Hetfield said something half of them didn't understand (Colombia being a Spanish speaking country an all). Ok and I wrote those 750 words you just read only to say that to this day I still say What does it feel to be alive? I say it the same way he did, and I say it out of nowhere, usually driving in my car, just out of the blue I yell; What does it feel to be alive?

It's been almost 10 years and I still imitate Mr Hetfield, I really doubt I'll ever stop doing it. Today I was ecstatic (the reasons as to why I was ecstatic will be the subject of many blogs to come, so stay tuned), I was sitting in Starbucks and they were playing salsa music. I was sitting there, with my laptop in front of me and I was just listening to the music. And then I said it with a big smile in my face What does it feel to be alive? The person sitting next to me looked at me like I was crazy, and he gave in to his curiosity and asked me what it felt like?

I laughed, told him the story about Metallica and he seemed satisfied. I talked to him for a couple more minutes about different things and we went back to our computers. But then I started thinking abut his question, well, about my question. Being alive feels like something is burning inside of me, something that is dying to get out and cannot be held inside for too long; it feels like my actions start taking the form of my passions and I start smiling for no reason. It feels like every breath I take brings in thousands of opportunities to jump, and to yell, and to hug, and to kiss, and to cry, and to laugh. I guess being alive to me feels like the most indescribable joy, coming from the most unexpected source.

Being alive you can't really describe, it's beyond words. But then you move to a foreign country and you find yourself alone, craving for happiness, and realize being alive is a choice you get to make. You may be breathing but you are not alive unless you've chosen to live. Then you are realize there is no such a thing as living partially, as living on Fridays and Saturdays, you are either alive or not, it's all or nothing. When James Hetfield asked the question everyone felt alive; the jumping, and the yelling, and the arms moving up and down were only the expression of a feeling that could not be contained. The problem is that feeling was washed away after we went back to routine, but I believe you can stay alive even in the middle of routine, you just have to make that decision.

What does it feel to be alive? It feels like you've made the choice to make every day count, it feels like you wake up and you know you are passionately pursuing your dreams. It feels warm and cold and fuzzy and rough, all at the same time. It feels like green looks like to a colorblind person.

Jealousy interrupted

My sister and I were at the fashion show mall in Las Vegas and we went inside a store, we started looking around for scarves and when we finally found one I liked we went up to the cashier. The cashier was a lady in her mid-30’s, a very good looking brunette. She had a really cool looking pony tail, it looked very elaborate and you could tell she had 25 gallons of hair spray but it looked really cool.

My sister said to me in Spanish she really liked her hair, I told her to ask the lady how she did it but my sister simply decided no to; so I asked her. I thanked her for the help and then I said “I love your hair, how do you put your hair in a pony tail like that?” she said thank you and then she said "oh it’s just a regular pony tail, it takes me 2 minutes to get my hair looking like that". I said it looked hard to do, exchanged a couple more words with her and left the store.

Once outside my sister rolled her eyes at me and said “if it takes her 2 minutes to get her hair to look like that, I am Halle Berry whatever!”, we laughed and said how ridiculous it was for her to say it was quick and easy to get that hair when you could tell only the hair spray application probably took her 45 minutes.

Maybe she thought that by saying she has gorgeous hair as she walks out of the bathroom was going to stop making us jealous, or was going to make us more jealous. Maybe she thought she was going to look super cool if we thought she had naturally styled hair that would put itself in a pony tail. Maybe she is not allowed by her mom to share beauty secrets. Maybe she thought that if she told us and we were able to do it we would take all of the single men in town and she'd be left single forever.

I don’t know what she thought, bottom line is my sister and I thought she was silly. What did she gain by lying? The reputation of a silly 30 something year old, she got two girls in their early 20’s to think she was ridiculous.

I don’t know what it is about women and being honestly nice to other women that doesn’t click, I really don’t know but it bothers me. I believe the main reason why women don’t get along with other women is jealousy. See she could have been a sweetheart and could have told us her secret and then we would have been able to become friends or something, I don't know.

We feel jealous of other women either because they look better than us or because they are more “successful” than us in a certain area. We dislike when other women get what we want and we make atrocious attempts at trying to hide it achieving exactly the opposite; make it more obvious. What do we accomplish? being perceived as silly or ridiculous.

I don’t think feeling jealous is necessarily bad; it depends on how you channel it. I was talking to my amazingly, sweet, handsome boyfriend last night (hmmm that’s a weird thing to write after such a long time without a guy), he was telling me about his friend up in Seattle who is proposing this weekend and we started talking about all of the friends we have who are either married or planning on getting married. So I mentioned a very good friend who is getting married next month, for her honeymoon she is going to a really nice resort in Jamaica, “I am so jealous” I uttered.

I love my friend, I am so happy for her I am flying all the way to Colombia to be at her wedding. I am really excited for her and if she asked me I would tell her I am really jealous and she would laugh. The jealousy I feel is not directed towards her, it is not a catty desire to see her fail. It is directed toward my own desires, it is more an honest aspiration to have what she will get in my own time.

I don’t know how to stop feeling jealous about other women, but I do know we can identify when the jealousy is an evil desire to see the object of our jealousy trip and fall, and when it is simply a yearning to have what they have that does not suppress our happiness for them. If we make an honest effort to recognize what kind of jealousy we are feeling and we are honest with our friends and tell them we are feeling jealous I can guarantee we will leave no room for catty feelings.

Next time you see a friend of yours looking like a million bucks tell her she looks amazing and how jealous you feel. Not only will you surprise her with your honesty but you will also avoid feeding an emotion that may harm your relationship with your friend. If she was you, wouldn’t you like for her to acknowledge your effort? After all it takes pretty darn long to look like a million bucks; we might as well get some compliments from our loved girlies. Don’t give in to silly responses or harmful feelings and feel jealous in the open.

Interrupting the interrupter

The first time I ever said a words I was 3 months old, I remember it like it was yesterday… ok maybe not, but I believe what my parents tell me. So according to my parent’s account I was a cute 3 month’s old little baby and I said “Mom”; and then they decided to be mean and say “and you haven’t stopped since”.

I talk a lot, I talk relentlessly. I talk in my sleep, when I wake up, during a movie, when the movie is over; through dinner, by myself, with people around me, to strangers, to friends, to children and adults… I just talk, and I talk a lot.

I was working a couple nights ago and one of the bouncers I work around walked by me. He was able to pick up on my accent as I was (yeah you guessed right!) talking to one of the clients and once the client was gone after I brought their car he asked me where I was from, I told him I was from Colombia and he started talking and talking and talking about Colombia. Some of the things he was saying where pretty inaccurate, so I would start a sentence to try and explain we actually don’t have a hot summer in Bogotá, and he would just start talking over me like I wasn’t even part of the conversation. I could have honestly walked away or covered my ears and the guy would have not noticed at all, he would have kept going and would have told people he had the best conversation about Colombia with the valet he works with.

The bouncer is a pretty nice guy, we've talked after this incident and he really is a nice guy. But that day he made me feel my ideas or my input weren’t necessary or appreciated, and if you read the first paragraphs you can imagine how frustrating it can be for me not to be able to talk. After a couple failed tries to tell the bouncer Bogotá is a big, cold city I decided to quit trying. He wasn’t interested in what a person who grew up in Colombia and lived there for 23 years had to say about the country, I had no interest in trying to tell him he was mistaken and was really not motivated to inquire about him. Thank goodness I work with the guy so I ended up finding out a lot of interesting stuff.

That first conversation with him made me think of the countless conversations I’ve had and the thousands of people I’ve talked to. And I felt bad because I am sure I have interrupted others, countless times. I have shown no respect for others and I have voiced my opinion without really listening to what others have to say.

I know I interrupt people and I felt so uncomfortable when he interrupted me and didn’t seem to care about what I had to say, that I had to check myself. I like getting things done, I really do! I don’t do very well when I fell like time is being wasted so I know that I interrupt people when I consider the conversation futile. But I was thinking and I really do not have the authority to determine whether a conversation is useless or not, what if I am interrupting them precisely when they were going to give me the piece of information that would just fix my life forever? Ok there is no such thing but the truth is I have to give people a chance to speak, everyone has a valuable point I should consider if I want others to consider mine. I know I am not alone out there since my bouncer friend interrupted me and I have been interrupted by many others in different occasions.

Why do we interrupt people? First, because we think that whatever we have to say is more important than what others are saying, and that is just plain wrong, isn’t it? If not it's rude ok. I am not saying we have to sit there and listen to a person say absolutely nothing for hours and hours, I mean there are occasions where people just ramble. What I am saying is to give people a chance to speak since not only our opinions are valid.

At least in my case, I get very excited talking. That leads to me interrupting people. I am a very passionate individual and whatever I engage in I do it full force, there are no warm waters. When a topic I feel strongly about is being discussed I tend to interrupt people. I’ve found myself thinking about my reply more than whatever people are saying, and that only leads to them figuring out I am rude and not wanting to have a conversation with me ever again. So if we keep it up we’ll end up not being able to discuss those things we absolutely love talking about and that would suck.

Some other times, my mind is somewhere else. Sometimes people are talking to me and I interrupt them and say something that is not related with whatever they were saying. I do it because I was somewhere else, my mind was wandering. It doesn’t always happen when the conversation is boring, it just happens. I don’t think you have to be “there” all the time but I do think that if someone is talking to you the least you can do is pay attention. If we have something in our mind it’s ok to let people know we are somewhere else. At least that way we won’t waste their time and we won’t look like loons when we interrupt them saying something that makes no sense.

If I have ever interrupted you please forgive me, don’t write me off, and keep having conversations with me as I am doing my best to get better at it. If you interrupt me I have to be honest, I will let you know you are doing it because it actually bothers me.

Using a dirty towel to clean your hands

-Are you going to valet?
-No, unless you serve good food, I am going to dinner
-Ha well I would serve something, but I really doubt you'll enjoy my food
-I am sure you are a fine cook
-Actually I am a terrible cook, I can barely make sandwiches
-Haha how come?
-I grew up having a lady cook for me
-Nice, where was that?
-Colombia, that's where my accent is from
-I am guessing you are from the same place as your accent
-Indeed
-Bogotá?
-I am really glad you didn't say South Carolina
-I thought about it. How long have you been here?
-San Diego 2 months, the states 2 years
-School?
-Yes
-You got done and moved to San Diego?
-Yes, I got done and was sent to San Diego to start a church
-Oh wow, that's good, this city needs it with all sinners like me
-I am more concerned about the homeless and abused children as I am a sinner myself
-Haha hey someone's gotta care for them right?
-Hmmm... Yeah I guess someone's gotta care
-What is your name?
-Jo
-I am Zack, it was nice to meet you Jo, good luck with the homeless. I will make sure to donate to your church once it's up and running
-We would really appreciate that. It was nice to meet you too, enjoy your dinner

I took Zack's Mercedes-Benz and drove it to the parking lot almost in tears, someone's gotta care for them? what on earth is that supposed to mean? someone's gotta care for them? aren't we all supposed to care? I know Zack is not a bad person, he was actually really nice. He inquired a little further about the church and my life, and gave me his card when he left the restaurant. He even told me he would go to Urban,and I could tell he meant it because he said he'd like to see the church where a sinner goes to (funny huh?). But I can't deny that Zack changed the tone and the purpose of the conversation as I mentioned church, homeless, abused children and help.

What started as Zack's attempt to flirt with a valet on a Saturday night ended with the valet pointing out Zack is using a dirty towel to clean his hands, without the valet even planning to. What is worse, it ended in the valet pointing out she has used that same towel many times. I love the fact that he mentioned donations, I think he thought I was judging him because I am helping and he is not, he felt guilty and thought he could throw a couple dollars and ease his discomfort.

How many times have I done that? how many times have I given a couple bucks (many times because I have to, not because I want to) and then I've felt better at my absolute lack of compassion?

Have you ever thrown away food? I used to do it all the time, and my Mom used to tell me what a horrible thing to do it was since there are starving children in the world. I always thought to myself; how on earth is me not throwing food nobody will eat anyways, because it's old, going to help starving children in Africa? Well tonight I understood what my Mom meant. Why didn't I ever get that food to a starving kid a couple miles away (maybe kilometers since this happened in Colombia)? why didn't I care? why didn't I do something instead of desensitizing my self by donating a couple bucks here and there?

I just got done reading The Irresistible Revolution and even though I disagree with about 1/4 of the book I must admit this conversation would have turned out different if the book would have been How To Become Rich in 20 Days (yes, it is a made up book). In the book Shane Clairborne talks about caring for others, loving people at all times, in every circumstance. He talks about trips he's taken, letters he's written, marches he's attended, protests he's started, nights he's slept in benches. In the meantime I can tell you quite the boring story of donations I've given bleh.

I am not saying donations are bad, I will keep giving money and I sure hope more people in the world join me on that one. I am saying that closing our eyes and covering our ears to other's suffering is not acceptable, not even if we are "helping" with a couple dollars.

I felt embarrassed tonight, I felt embarrassed because like Zack I too have cleaned my hands with a dirty towel. I also felt alive, as the cold wind was hitting my knees without mercy (they are hurting), I felt it's not too late to throw that towel in the washer and start getting really dirty hands!

The best things

I have a good friend and mentor who is living currently in Oregon and I am praying hard to have him and his family in San Diego soon. He has a favorite quote that I love; “the good things in life will rob from the best”. It is something along those lines; the idea won’t be missed if maybe I am not quoting the whole thing verbatim. I could not agree more; many times I’ve found myself debating whether or not I should go back to Colombia, have a good life and stop trying to touch people’s lives in San Diego. Obviously on that particular dilemma I’ve chosen the best things.

I valet Friday and Saturday nights at a restaurant/bar in downtown. It is super slow from 6pm to 9pm, then it picks up a little bit, gets slow again and then around midnight everyone seems to want their car back. Since I have so many slow hours I bring a book and read to make the best of my time. Last week I finished Searching for God knows what by Donald Miller. And by the way, I believe everyone and their mom should read Mr Miller’s attempt to be liked (you’ll understand what I mean if you read the book). Whatever I learned from Searching for God knows what you will be reading soon.

This week’s book is The irresistible revolution by Shane Clairborne. I must admit I disagree with some of the things that Shane talks about, which I am sure he will be fine with. I can’t, however, deny that his first chapters have been one of the most honest and beautiful attempts I’ve seen at showing love. His obsession with loving people is so magnificent to me that I kind of want to start sowing my own clothes and sleeping on the streets if needed, just as Mr Clairborne does. You'll hear about that if I end up following his steps.

Beyond my attempt to get you to pick up this two amazing books, I am writing about the good things in life. In The irresistible revolution Shane writes about one of the quotes he wrote in his wall and that reads “the best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them away”. Well I have decided to change his quote a little bit because I believe the best things in life stay engraved in your heart for eternity.

"The best thing to do with the good things in life is to give them away"

When I read that quote last night I immediately thought of the quote that was given to me by my good friend and mentor in Oregon. I kept thinking what if the best things in life can only be achieved if you give away the good things? what if by not giving away the good things you get robbed of the best things? It all made much more sense now

Think about everything that we really, really want; those best things; Happiness, peace, harmony, joy, love! All those things can only be achieved when we give up the good things; comfort, money, position, a good name... I am not saying that you should be poor, not care about your name and look for discomfort, I am saying those are not the best things, I think those come as we give them away and open the road for the best things.

I believe the best things you can ever receive is love, unconditional, passionate (no, I am not talking about sex), amazing love. Well love can’t be received if you don’t give away selfishness. Being selfish is something we have learned to embrace as a society, it is perceived as good in a decent measure, one's gotta look for himself right?. We think about ourselves and how we can be better, we get consumed by thoughts of success and money and how our apartment in the Soho is going to be so amazing we’ll smile as we open the door. It is all about us! Well I can’t see us receive that amazing, unconditional love we so desperately crave for if our thoughts are so consumed by our own self (and again I must clarify the apartment in Soho is not a bad thing, I want one myself. The bad thing is for my apartment in Soho to be my focus in life).

Growing up it was normal for me and my sister to come home and find homeless children living in our house; my mom just can’t walk by starving children and pretend she doesn’t care. This one time a girl stayed with us for over 3 months until we were able to find her family (she had been kidnapped by a person with no heart that made her work like a slave, and my Mom kind of kidnapped her from him to return her to her family. I know it isn't smart and we could have called the cops but we didn't so get over it). Her name was Rocio, she was the sweetest and she was only 2 years younger than me, a couple months older than my sister. I was about 10 at the time and I remember noticing how different Rocio and I were.

I grew up having everything anybody could ask for, having more than enough and complaining because I didn’t have more. Rocio grew up having barely enough, and sometimes having not even basic things. My Mom told Rocio she could use my clothes and my sister’s and she was welcome to everything in the house. She was very timid, maybe scared, so she would be very careful using our things. We got her some clothes and personal items but she liked our things and used to take them, after all my mom invited her to them.

It was tough, my sister and I were girls, and we are spoiled girls at that, we were also really young and selfish. Having someone in your house, around your things, moving everything around can be challenging when you are 10 and can't understand what living in need looks like. My mom didn’t let us complain, nor did she take back what she had told Rocio. My mom pretty much didn’t care my sister and I were uncomfortable, she made us give away our comfort.

When we dropped her off at her uncle’s house (she had no parents) both her and her uncle ran to each other and hugged for several minutes, the tears where piling up in all of our eyes and Rocio seemed honestly happy. Helping Rocio made me happy too, all of the challenges we had in the couple months she was living with us seemed like nothing compared to seeing how happy she was. I remember I even felt embarrassed that I was so selfish, so foolish. Who cares if someone is wearing my favorite shirt? Is a shirt more valuable than a smile?

As I gave away my comfort, as I gave away some personal things, I found something much more fulfilling and satisfying; I found the joy of giving, the excitement of loving, the sweetness of caring. I found the best things!

As true as it is that the good things in life will rob your from the best, we have to be careful when we determine what are those best things. I have decided a real smile, a welcoming handshake, a helping hand, an honest response and a willing shoulder to cry on, are the best things in life. Anything else is added value to the unconditional love you get when your focus is not yourself.

Homicidal rage

I get annoyed easily; it is amazing to me how I get so frustrated so quick. It doesn’t happen all that often, but when it happens, in a matter of seconds I can feel all the blood boiling in my head. You can tell I want to rip your head off because my eyebrows rise up to my hair line and I start biting my lips incessantly. It is not my best trait and I am honestly not very proud of it.

It is interesting because it is always the same group of people who awaken the whole thing. It is like they are water and I am oil and we keep repelling each other. This week I was working, efficiently, comfortably, doing my own thing, minding my own business. Suddenly I heard something, and then something else, and then a conclusion that seemed to be the cherry on top of the ice cream. Well in a matter of 20 seconds I went from being in a good mood, to completely frustrated wanting to bite someone’s head off. And I don't really like ice cream.

What this individual was saying was so wrong to me; it was so rude I just didn’t understand why someone would say something like that. I said a couple things back, trying to keep my composure as I was working, and then I just turned around to ignore this person and kept on working.

Well it wasn’t long until the same individual made a comment that pissed me off again. It was like this person was on a mission to get killed by a small Colombian woman. I honestly wanted him vanished from my sight; I wanted a genie that would just sow his mouth so that he wouldn’t annoy me any longer.

I kept working, trying to quiet my homicidal thoughts and exchange them for anything; shoes, clothes, movies, water, James Franco, coffee, the work I was doing, my boyfriend James Franco, shoes, clothes, seriously anything (or maybe just me wearing amazing shoes and clothes while talking to James Franco? Hmmm….). Well I failed miserably; everything this person was saying was stupid, annoying, frustrating or ridiculous to me.

After a couple hours of me trying to ignore every sentence that came out of his mouth, and him trying to say every possible thing that could annoy me, it was time to clock out. I was excited my day was over and even more excited I was not going to see my archenemy any time soon.

I am sure you have your own nemesis and as you read my words you are thinking of that one individual that transforms you into a killing machine wanna be. Well I am sorry to tell you both you and I need to take a different approach at dealing with our jokers (oh yeah I am batman baby!).

He can’t make me feel anything

I realized he didn’t make me mad, he didn’t annoy me, he didn’t frustrate me. In reality I am allowing for this person to get under my skin, and quite honestly it is not worth it. He's not doing anything to me, I am making the decision to allow for his words to take a toll on my smile. It is my own ego what irritates me, it is the fact that this person and I do not agree one bit, and I want to be right, what really aggravates me; not his presence.

When my ego feels threatened because my ideas are being attacked (whether consciously or not), I start defending my ideas because it hurts my ego to just think of the possibility of letting go of my ideas. Well, I have been trying to disassociate my ego from my ideas. See everyone has ideas, there is no “judge supremo” deciding which ideas are good and which ones are bad. Who I am should not be threatened when someone has ideas that completely contradict mine.

When I encounter someone I disagree strongly with I tend to explain my believes, my views, my life, to show them they are "crazy". The truth is I am doing so much explaining because I want to show them I am right, and they are oh so wrong! When people share their ideas with me and I disagree strongly but they insist on them, I feel like they are trying to persuade me to think like them. Well thank God I can stop thinking that is their goal. There are really two options: bite my lip until there is no more and I have to be fed through an IV, or I can start approaching everything they are saying as just an idea, not a threat against my individuality.

Someone that doesn’t look at life the way I do, someone that communicates things differently than I do and does not share the same views as me, is never attacking me in a personal way when they are expressing their disagreement. Instead, they are challenging my idea and that is ok, as I said before there is no “judge supremo”. No idea is exempt of being challenged.

In the last couple days I have been making a humongous effort to try and see this person’s comments in a non personal way. I am trying to disassociate him from the ideas he formulates, and I am looking at him as a person who disagrees with me and could be right to do so.

Condemnation Vs Understanding

I am sure that like me, you have thought people were wrong. In my case it got so bad that this person entering a room would make roll my eyes. I knew he was going to say something that was going to annoy me so much I was going to have to bite my tongue not to say something I would regret later. Well, only fools do that... ladies and gentleman I am a fool!

I realized there is a reason people think the way they do. I have no doubt this person does not sit around in his spare time to think of all the things he could say to get me to kill him. On top of the fact that both him and I know I can’t kill him (I am 5’2’’ for crying out loud), I do get the feeling that he wants to keep breathing for a little longer.

I decided to sit down and think of the reasons he thinks the way he does, the reasons he comes off as rude and inconsiderate to me. I was sitting in my car, driving from work to my house and I kept thinking. Why is it that he believes all of the stuff he says? why is he so different from me? Well in no time I realized we were raised so differently we value completely opposite things. I noticed he can be nice when I am not frowning as I say hello, and he just has a quirky personality that may seem strange to someone like me.

I am not saying I am going to become his best friend now, I honestly believe we are not meant to be any more than acquaintances. I am saying that he’s not my archenemy, he’s just different from me, and I will get a whole bunch of those through my life, guaranteed! I decided that instead of condemning him for his differences I am going to try and understand him.

Instead of trying to make the people that are like oil transform into water so that we can blend, I am going to marvel at their different texture and color embracing my clear tone. I believe I am going to have less wrinkles at 50 if I keep working on my annoyance issues. If not, I am sure it will be worth the try (and face lifts will be a mastered science by then ha!).

There are no schools in Colombia

I have been making so many phone calls in the last few days I feel like I have a phone receiver attached to my right ear at all times. I have a list of people with the car(s) they drive and I have to call them, one by one I’ve knocked down 35 lists of people. After a couple pages I realized I could predict the kind of car someone had by looking at their name; so to keep myself entertained I started playing a game with myself.

My game consists of giving an average price for the car the person drives only by reading their name and last name; I can’t see where they live. Well, I must admit 80% of the time I was right. Sometimes I even went as far as to imagine the kind of life they are living, I imagine what they are wearing, the kind of job they have, and even the color of the furniture in their fancy/ugly/big/trendy/tacky living room.

I had to call someone whose name was Agustino Perez* and I guessed around the low numbers (granted our clients have really nice cars, low numbers is way above what I paid for my car anyways). Well I was very surprised when I saw he not only had one, but two cars that were both way over my guess. I called him, we had our very nice and professional conversation, I said bye and moved on to the next person.

The following morning I had to go to court to take care of a ticket I got for turning right without making a full stop when the light was yellow turning red. My name was called and I went to booth #7 to talk to a very Caucasian man in his mid 40’s. He was doing a whole bunch of things and talking to me and he asked me how long I had lived in the states, I answered and he asked why my accent was so different from all the other Mexicans he's talked to. I smiled and explained I was Colombian and started learning English at a very young age. He inquired about my education and then said something interesting; he said “I didn’t know they had good private schools in Colombia, heck I didn’t know they had schools in Colombia” and he laughed.

I had no choice but to laugh with him and then I told him we have a whole bunch of things he’d be very surprised to find in a third world country. He said he’s going to have to visit and told me I had to pay $428.00 and do traffic school to get the ticket off my record. I almost cried as the words four hundred came out of his mouth, I agreed to pay as I want a clean record again and I left after saying good bye.

It was interesting to me that he assumed things about me and my country. I thought it was kind of awful that people would be so quick to label you based on such small things as your hair color, skin tone or height. I mean after all by saying he didn't know there were schools in Colombia, he really said he would have never expected for a girl who grew up in Colombia to have had a very good education. But then the most annoying things happened, I heard my inside voice talk to me; “but at least he saw you, at least he made an assumption based on your tan skin and undeniable Hispanic features, not just your name”.

I know, I know I am a terrible person, I already feel really bad so don't say anything about it. Just recently I was complaining about people at Nordstrom not paying attention to me because of what I was wearing, and now I play my silly game! For the past week and a half I have been judging people and labeling them only to find out I actually dislike when people do that to me. I felt like calling every person I’ve labeled and asking for their forgiveness. Who am I am to determine Agustino's life style based on… hmm pretty much nothing?

I won’t deny it is almost unavoidable to make certain assumptions when you meet people and see what they are wearing or how they speak, but if we could make an effort we would get a glimpse into entire worlds we are missing out on, amazing worlds must I add.

The court fella would have never known Colombia can be an interesting place to visit (yeah I know he said that out of mere courtesy, but I want to believe he really wants to visit) if he wouldn’t have given me a chance to talk to him. What if Agustino is the answer to my prayers and he owns a publishing company and is looking for young, slightly talented, foreign girls to write a book? What if he’s just the most amazing human being? what if he owns a Colombian restaurant and can help me satisfy my cravings for arepas?

I am but human, and judging people seems to come natural to me. But the truth is that the natural thing would be to get to know people before giving an account for their life, right? I believe we can fight our very un-natural, natural instincts and we can start making an effort to erase the pre programmed suppositions we make. What if 80% of the time I am right? if I am going to make 20% of the people I talk to feel the way I’ve felt when people assume things about me based on my heritage, I’d rather let go of that 80% to open up space for endless possibilities in a world were I smile to you only because you are you.

*I changed names so that I won’t get fired but it was along those lines.

Excuses, excuses

There is only one office space where I work. I am usually by myself sitting in one of the desks making calls and submitting information in the computer but today the office was crowded.

I was sitting in my usual seat when one of my co-workers walked in and asked if he could use the desk I was sitting on and I could move to the other side of the office. Since I don’t have to sit there to do my job I agreed and kept working. Later my boss came in and sat in his desk and then one of the supervisors, who is the most random and funny man in that place, walked in. They all started talking about another guy who was going to be there soon, a guy who had been working there for a couple months, had to work there that morning but didn’t show up, and was going to be laid off.

I kept working without really getting involved in the conversation even though I was sitting in front of my boss's desk since my co-worker made me move. Then the guy who was going to get laid off showed up. Now the supervisor who was there left the room and I was left there in the middle of a talk I wasn’t supposed to witness.

My boss started talking to this guy explaining to him that he had been given many opportunities but he kept showing up late and leaving early and that just couldn’t be. The guy explained over and over again there was traffic this morning and him and his girlfriend share a car, so he has to leave the office early to be able to pick her up to get her to work on time.

I was listening to the whole thing feeling insanely uncomfortable for being there and trying to put myself in the guy’s shoes, and I just kept thinking “this guy will not get a second chance”. He was standing in front of my boss’ desk, almost too close to me, and he kept explaining he only left 10 minutes before 1pm because his girlfriend has to be at work at 1pm and they will fire her if she’s late. I think he didn’t have a point and instead kept digging himself deeper, but I was really trying to play it as though I wasn’t there.

The guy is young and of course he wants his job, but to me giving excuses just didn’t help him at all. I kind of wanted to start answering for him and just say “You are absolutely right, I have been overlooking a couple things and I am willing to improve on the things you are pointing out”. I think my answer would have helped him keep his job. But if I was him and he was me maybe I would have done what he did and he would have thought was I was thinking.

I hate excuses, and I hate when I find myself saying “yes, but…” and I realize every time I’ve done that I just look like someone that is not willing to take responsibility for her actions. I am not saying that explaining yourself is not a good idea; I am saying if someone feels you’ve wronged them they must have a reason for it. I can almost guarantee people don’t say you have done something wrong just because they are bored and want to start a conversation.

I think that we use excuses as a mechanism to look better regarding our flaws but in reality they just makes us look way worse. Excuses are a way to avoid responsibility and deny we played a part in the results we obtained. Excuses are just not honest, they hide part of the issue, our part! We may think we are right but the bottom line is someone felt we weren’t, therefore we should at least consider seeing things through their point of view. After all, last time I checked we are not perfect and we can, just on rare occasions (right?), make mistakes.

Actions have consequences, it’s funny to me how we are willing to embrace the consequences that the right actions bring but we are quick to throw away those consequences of the actions that are less than honorable. If the consequence to doing our job right is a bonus we talk about how hard we’ve worked and how much we deserve it, and we forget some people helped for us to be able to shine as much as we are. If the consequence to doing our job wrong is getting fired we comment on how our boss exaggerated the situation and we really had no choice but to be late because there were balls of fire flying down from the sky when we left our house (or some other lame excuse).

I am working on learning how to deal with responsibility the proper way, a good response is an opportunity to pass praise on and praise others for what all of you accomplished. A bad response is an opportunity to learn, look at my blind spots, fix them, take responsibility and become a better person. I hope the guy who lost his job gets a new one that pays even better than this one, and I hope he can get a car so that him and his girlfriend can both make it to and out of work on time. But the truth is none of that will help if he keep giving excuses when he messes up.

Being awesome-er

When I was in school I had a wide group of friends, my closest friends were a couple girls that were crazy and liked to have fun; man I love them for all the fun we've had together. We were seniors in high school and we had to stay 2 extra hrs from Monday through Thursday to get extra classes and ensure we were going to do well on our ICFES (the Colombian version of the SAT) scores. We had to stay until 5pm and then all of us would ride in a couple buses provided by the school that would take us home.

I used to ride in this one bus where two of my craziest and most fun friends rode on, we didn’t get to pick the bus but it just happened to be so that all three of us annoying, fun, mean girls ended up sitting together. Well there was this guy who rode that bus with us, his name was Ricardo, he was uhhm different. He was really quiet and absurdly smart, he didn’t have any friends and he used to sit by himself during lunch and have entire conversations with his meal.

Ricardo used to sit up front in the bus so that he would not have to listen to our meaningless conversations about everything and nothing. When we were bored we used to move to the front of the bus; one of us would sit next to him and the other two would kneel on the chair in front of them facing him. Whoever was next to him would start talking to him telling him how sexy we thought he was. We would ask him out and ask him for a kiss over and over again just to annoy him and get a laugh out of it. Most of the time he would ignore us but every now and then he would say something that made no sense to us but that would make the back of the bus and each one of us burst into laughter.

Well the day to take our ICFES came, with it the end f the classes and the fun rides home. Ricardo did great on his ICFES, so did we. On our graduation ceremony Ricardo’s chair sparkled because of his absence. He didn’t come to graduation but sent a message with some teacher saying he just didn’t feel like celebrating with all of us, he didn’t care about graduating more than he cared about any of us. I understand him not coming and quite honestly I didn’t give it much thought, I had plans and I had to say a speech in front of our teachers, my whole class, and their parents. I did my thing and never again I heard about Ricardo.

I have been thinking about him lately, he was a nice kid you know. I remember him helping me in more than one occasion in our chemistry class when I wasn’t able to understand alkali metals and why they were important (chemistry and I have never been good friends). He was brilliant and had an amazing ability to explain different things our chemistry teacher wasn’t able to explain. I kind of wish I could run into Ricardo and say I am very sorry for being a jerk to him, I am sure he doesn’t care anyway but I would love to be able to apologize.

I was thinking about the way I treated Ricardo growing up and I regret what I did, the sad part is things haven’t changed much. I don’t sit next to the guy nobody talks to and tell him he is sexy so that my friends can laugh at him, but I do try to impress people with my actions. I wonder what is it that I want to prove, why do I care about people thinking I am funny, or cool, or pretty?

I don’t know if you were one of the “cool kids” in high school or instead an outcast. It doesn’t really matter, in reality we are all obsessed with trying to impress others even when that means we will run over people’s feelings with the bulldozer that our ego is. I was a stupid teenager back then and I didn’t know that Ricardo’s emotions were more important than a couple laughs and our stupid status; but I am a grown up now I have no excuse to compete for people’s approval.

I can’t imagine how many things I would have learned from Ricardo if I would have decided to sit next to him to just get to know him, what if he had the most awful life and needed a friend to share it with? What if he had the coolest life and needed a friend to share it with? What did I get from proving I was “better” than Ricardo? Quite honestly only regrets!

I know you maybe thinking “oh she was one of them, she's awful” and you are starting to dislike me and see me through the stereotypes that people that grew up doing those kinds of things are seen through. Well, if we are honest I know that you know we are still competing and you are no better than me. You probably have done what I did to Ricardo in some form or fashion, if you can't think of a time that has happened, well you are in denial. You can tell me you have always been kind and nice to others, and your own reputation was never an issue when it came to others’ comfort; but you would be lying and liars don’t go to heaven!

The truth is you can feel the need for approval rising when someone says how much they make a year or how much they weight. But I've been thinking and honestly what are we trying to get approved into? What happens if we are approved? For crying out loud, what does being approved mean? When we are so eager to tell the world we are better, we are prettier, we are smarter, we are cooler, we are awesome-er (I am foreign I can make words up), we miss out on how pretty and smart and cool and awesome others are and that may be a loss we won’t be able to recover from.

If any of you know were Ricardo is tell him he’s awesome for not punching us, also tell him I’d love to have coffee with him if he wants to come to San Diego. In the meantime I am going to make it a point to focus on you and not on me when we have a conversation. I will do my best to stop striving for an approval I really can’t even explain and instead I will make an effort to learn the most from whatever it is that you are saying. I will trade my bulldozer for a table with a cup of coffee and I will enjoy your company!