Joanna Luehmann

Taking a break

2010-02-18T10:15:00.000-08:00

I am taking a break from this blog, I've been a tad too busy with one too many projects but I will start writing again soon.

In the meantime you should all head to my journal/blog and see the Luehmann adventures.

Much Love!

The tragedy of failure

2009-12-29T13:10:00.000-08:00

Have you ever made a bad decision? I am sure you are answering yes to that question. If not... well go ahead and talk to a psychiatrist. I have made poor decisions, some of them are big poor decisions, and some are less important. But they all have one thing in common, consequences.

I have had conversations with people that find themselves dealing with failure, and more often than not they seem to think this problem just snuck up on them, but if you back track you can see a long record of small bad decisions that lead to a big consequence.

I started looking at my failures and I realized that just like in everybody else’s case most of them were a small bad decision after the next. And I had to wonder why I kept messing up in the same area over and over again. I realized one small decision doesn’t seem like a big deal, so I kept on doing them.

You know what I am talking about? spending a little too much on clothes you don’t need doesn’t seem like a big deal if you look at the one receipt from last Wednesday, but little by little all those small, “harmless” expenses add up at the end of the year and you find yourself with no savings and struggling to make your payments. Flirting with your co-worker during lunch breaks doesn’t seem like a big deal if you look at one isolated incident, until you find yourself waking up next to her on a “business trip”. Not working out today is not biggie, but then 365 days pass and in 2009 there were barely any workouts and instead you did gain a few pounds and health problems.

Not because a decision does not result in an instant, measurable impact; you can assume it will never have one. The whole tragedy of failure is that we don’t even realize we are bringing it upon us with the small decisions we make. Far worse than smoking that cigarette is thinking it doesn’t matter.

Since the world didn’t end yesterday with our choices why not repeat them all today, right? Well I say no! In 2010 I want to be more aware of failures, how they come about, I want to think about the long term consequences of my decisions done over and over again. I want to make sure every decision matters and I want to own up to those decisions that are simply poor. The idea is to learn from the bad decisions, not to keep doing them.

What things are you doing that seem harmless but could lead up to big consequences you’d rather not deal with? Change those habits, stop thinking it doesn’t matter, and start 2010 avoiding small “harmless” decisions.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Home away from home

2009-12-22T11:43:00.000-08:00

Ever since I moved to the states I have referred to Colombia as home. Wherever your family is that's where home is, right? Even as a married woman in my little and cute one bedroom apartment I've said home is Colombia. It's like it is engrained in my brain that home is my country, where I was born, the place that made me who I am today, the one place where I know which way to turn, what is appropriate, what is beautiful, and where my jokes are fully understood. Home is where most of my memories where created.

My family is pretty close, they all see each other at least once a week, so you can imagine how hard it has been for me to be away, and how hard it has been for them that I moved away. For the last two weeks I was in Colombia and even though I have visited once or twice a year since I moved to America; this time was different.

As opposed to any other time I had been there, I came as a family, not an individual. My husband came with me, and even though I knew how all reactions where going to go, how days where going to develop, what people where expecting. There was something new, I was now a family, and at a point during our trip I missed home, and I was confused as I was home.

After two weeks of waking up in rooms full of childhood memories, I woke up in my own room this morning, and I smiled. I knew I was home, where I am supposed to be. This place is mine, I feel like I am in the place where the first memories of a long marriage are being built. This apartment is the first stop in a love story that will be the beginning of my kids' life story.

It is still new to me, this feeling of being home away from home, knowing I am now a family, knowing I belong somewhere that is not Colombia. And to be honest with you I love it. I have realized that home is where my heart is. It is really not about the apartment, or the city of San Diego, it is about my heart belonging to my husband, to my church, to my God, to where I am in life right now.

I think that out of stubbornness I missed on a couple of years where the States could have been home. I missed Colombia so much I refused to call America home, even though my heart was here. It took a husband to allow for me to enjoy a home away from home. Don't miss out, whether single or married call home where your heart is.

For this holiday season I am happy I will be home, for nothing is warmer than the idea of going home after a long day, nothing is sweeter than knowing you have a place where you will always belong no matter what. Wherever you are make sure you enjoy home, you enjoy where your heart is, and you are grateful you can have a home away from home.

Merry Christmas!

The highway or the scenic road?

2009-11-26T22:59:00.000-08:00

I love traveling, I think my love for traveling is inherited as both my Mom and my Dad have always loved going different places and planning vacations. I remember traveling with my Dad he would always plan every day to make sure we were seeing all we had to see and we were having the most fun possible, to him traveling was all about memories.

The most interesting thing about traveling with my Dad is that he would always leave the best for last, whatever me and my sister were anticipating the most was the one thing we would have to wait for the longest. I kind of thought that deep down inside my Dad was into emotional torture, but one year while in Orlando, FL. I discovered he wasn’t.

My sister and I were anticipating Disney’s MGM, out of all of the parks in Orlando, MGM was our favorite; we loved everything about it. The Tower of Terror was there and going on that ride over and over again was almost a family tradition. Every day we would ask my Dad if today was the day we would enter The Twilight Zone at MGM and everyday he would say no, not yet. Well we got a bit upset after a few days and he told us we had to learn to be patient for everything good was worth waiting for.

We finally made it to MGM and it was great to wait for it, if we would have gone first we wouldn’t have enjoyed the other parks as much as we did because MGM is simply amazing for us. MGM was that much amazing because we had to wait for it, it was like the cherry on top of the ice cream. My dad knew it was best to bring MGM later so we would appreciate the whole trip and not go home saying the first park was great but the others were just ok; remember it is all about memories for him.

My Dad’s insistence on us learning patience has been a constant throughout our lives, he has always done things to make sure we understand patience and we appreciate waiting. And a few days ago I was reminded of patience and the invaluable lesson my Dad has been trying to teach us.

Living in big cities my whole life patience is not precisely what I have seen displayed everywhere I go, instead I have witnessed the promotion of instant gratification and NOW! I have a friend who needed a job, he needed a job really bad, and he had been looking for a bit but suddenly a job that he knew wasn’t a good idea came along. When you really really need something your perspective and ability to make wise decisions is usually blurred. My friend took that job, only to find that having it on his resume will cost him far more than whatever waiting for the right door to open would have.

Have you ever been in a similar situation? been offered a business venture that would make you rich in 2 months? met a boy/girl that wanted to skip a few steps in the process of getting to know each other? found a dream that took only blinking to fulfill it? I am sure you have. The problem with such situations is that in most cases you end up more broke than you were when you started, brokenhearted, and empty.

As a Christian I believe we have a purpose, our life is not meaningless and we are here on earth to fulfill said purpose. You know that thing you really really really wish you were doing, yeah that! I also believe patience plays an important role in fulfilling our purpose. If we were to have it right now, without persevering and without being patient, we would either get a fake, quick version of it that would damage us; or we would not now how to appreciate it properly.

I am trying to learn to enjoy the process, learn what my Dad has been trying to teach me for years. After all the end result is just an addition of all the small things that happen before we get there. I am praying for more patience, I am striving to be more patient and whenever I find myself in a situation where patience seems to be the least attractive road and I want to take the highway, I am reluctantly swerving to take the scenic route that will show me things I would have missed by making it 20 minutes earlier to the wrong location.

What about you? Are you taking the highway or the scenic road

Send flowers, give a backrub, leave a tip!

2009-11-12T13:56:00.000-08:00

I went to lunch a few weeks ago with a friend from Colombia that was visiting us in San Diego. When the check arrived he offered to pay, I agreed and offered to the tip. When he saw that I left a good 22% he said wow somebody works in the service industry.

Well he’s right, about 30% of my income comes from tips, so I know what it feels like when people don’t tip you enough or at all. But the reason our server got a good tip was because he did a phenomenal job, and on top of that I wanted to bless him since I was being blessed with lunch.

I’ve been to that restaurant a few times, and my husband who is a very friendly guy has talked to all the servers and has made them all laugh, so by now all of the servers know me and are incredibly cordial to me. Last week when we were there one of the servers that wasn’t assigned to my table saw we had an expired coupon for 50% off, and brought us a new one to make sure we got the discount. They often offer us a complimentary glass of wine and they always give us the most amazing service.

As I was thinking about the whole thing, and talking to some of my coworkers about it, we realized the reason we leave good tips is because of how we feel when people leave good tips to us. It makes us feel appreciated, and it makes us want to work as hard as possible to serve people the best way we can.

Sometimes is not even about money, I remember one particular customer that left a 20% tip for me but was incredibly rude. I was walking away from him to bring him change at one point and he said “that’s ok darling”. Since it wasn’t the first time I had been called darling by a stranger I turned around and said thank you sir. To what he replied “I am not talking to you, why would I talk you?” And right there and then his tip meant nothing to me and a frown took over my face. I got over it pretty quickly because I don’t usually dwell on those kinds of things, but if he ever comes back to the restaurant I will probably get the frown back within seconds.

I am not saying it is our responsibility to make people’s days great, we all know it lies on each individual to enjoy their days. But what if we can add to someone’s joy? What if with our actions we can let people know we understand they don’t have to serve us, and we really appreciate they are doing it anyways? I am telling you, being appreciative with your words, actions and with your wallet opens doors in ways you would have never expected them.

There are so many opportunities to say thank you and act accordingly to that gratitude. The cashier at the grocery store would appreciate a smile and a little conversation. Your property manager would appreciate a nice thank you card with a piece of candy or a couple flowers. Your spouse could use an unusual act of appreciation, a nice meal, flowers. Your parents could use a call to tell them you appreciate and love them, your pastors would appreciate an act of gratefulness towards them. Opportunities are everywhere, so I say let’s take as many as we can, and let’s make sure people know we are grateful for them.

Are we people of integrity?

2009-11-05T17:44:00.000-08:00

I was watching “crossing over” a few nights ago. A muslim 15 year old girl writes an essay in regards to what took place in NY city September 11 eight years ago. She was arguing the terrorist who committed suicide, killing many in that venture, were not cowards, they needed their voice heard and even though we might not agree with what they had to say, or the way they got their message across we can’t deny they made us listen and were true to their beliefs.

This girl’s paper lead to many students being offended in the movie, so the principal of the school contacts immigration, and she ends up being kicked out of America over a paper where she wrote her opinion.

Being the movie junkie I am I went to IMDB, one of my frequented sites to check on the reaction people had to the movie. As expected people didn’t agree with what the 15 year old had to say, and the argument got long, offensive and ridiculous, so I stopped reading.

I have always been intrigued by mujahideen, those engaged in jihad “striving in the way of Allah.” If there is one thing I can’t deny is that they are passionate individuals who believe in their god and would do anything to please him. And that to me is admirable. Do I agree with their actions? Not for a second, do I believe they are doing the right thing? Not at all. Do I think they are cowards? No. Do I believe they are people of integrity? I do.

Integrity as a concept has to do with perceived consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations and outcome. If you think about it, mujahideen are people of integrity; they act consistently according to their value system. Their problem is most definitely not their integrity, it is their value system. In their eyes they are doing the right thing, in their eyes they are courageous men fighting the good fight of faith, in their eyes our value system is wrong.

People have different value systems, and that’s ok, culturally what is right in one place won’t be in another one. But in general there is a truth that applies to everyone, no matter where they were born and what language they speak, and it is to that higher truth that we must adhere. Otherwise in our quest for integrity we will find ourselves being people of integrity, yet people that are wrong.

The whole thing got me thinking about me, and my integrity as opposed to that of those who would kill themselves to prove their point. Do I always act in accordance to my value system? Do I always act on my convictions? Do I believe passionately in something? And if I do, do I act according to that or do I compromise that belief when things seem to get rough?

I remember when I first became a Christian, some areas of my life changed, and some others didn’t. That is normal, change comes with time, the problem is that some areas that didn’t change remained the same not because I was in the process of changing but instead because I wasn’t willing to give them up. At that point in my life I was a hypocrite, preaching something while living something opposite. In that we can’t deny mujahideen are better than me, they don’t compromise their beliefs to maintain their own comfort.

With people of integrity you know exactly what to expect, they are transparent, you can see through them because they act according to their value system always. And I have learned that integrity when faced with tribulation results in courage. Which is why I must agree with the girl in the movie, all of that without condoning the actions of 9/11.

I must admit there are still areas where I am a hypocrite, sometimes I fail, but I acknowledge I have failed and work hard to change. I am striving to become a person of integrity, not forgetting to check my value system often, making sure I am not only true to it, but it is also true in itself. That way when faced with tribulation I will be a woman of courage, my integrity will allow for me to do what others won’t attempt to do.

What about you, is your value system right? are you a person of integrity?

It's ok.....

2009-10-29T15:37:00.000-07:00

1. To gain a few pounds - I gained a few pounds after getting married, and after obsessing over them for a while I have decided to embrace them. I feel great anyways so that's what really matters. If you feel great just the way you are, then don't worry about those few extra pounds.

2. To consider wii fit a work out - I don't have a gym membership, neither can I justify it in my budget at this point, but I do have a wii and I tell people I work out, I don't care what you all say, my gym is my living room.

3. To wear painful shoes because they are beautiful - I am 5'2'', husband is 6'2''. High heels are pretty much mandatory in my life. Plus look at these triple buckle leather heels, need I say more?

4. To laugh at yourself - English is not my first language so I make tons of mistakes and pronounce words the wrong way. The more time I spend in an English speaking country, the more I have to learn to laugh at myself. Have you ever had food in between your teeth? laugh about it, laugh about tripping over your own feet, laugh about every faux pas and they won’t seem so bad.

5. To ask questions - goes along with ‘it’s ok to not know all the answers’ learning something new daily is an absolute joy. Ask questions, ask even when your question seems silly. For the longest time I didn’t know what LOL meant, but instead of asking I made up a meaning for it which later made look completely stupid, I learned then if you don’t know it ask about it.

6. To ask for a surprise party - we all like attention, come one you know you do! We need someone to make it happen, so I say ask for it. We all know we want it but we just want people to read our minds, that’s not going to happen, but the party might be a reality if you ask for it.

7. To cry for no good reason - Sometimes I am feeling melancholic and I just cry and I am not depressed, I don’t have any major issue lingering, any deep dark secret, I am just a woman and my hormones are weird, and that’s ok.

8. To spend a day off in bed, watching movies, reading books and ordering Chinese - not every day has to be a compulsive preoccupation with productivity, some days can be just relaxing, and I think that it’s ok to say you stayed home, red books and relaxed last Saturday.

9. To question people you respect - not because you respect them they are always right. Sometimes they might even be right but you don’t have to blindly agree. It's ok to disagree with them and even question them. Honestly a relationship gets scary when there is no room for disagreement. I remember a pastor once saying that he really hoped people left his sermons with questions in their hearts, he said it was the only way they would dig into the Bible themselves and grow closer to God. So if you are growing you will question.

10. To fail - I remember meeting one of the founders of the Dream Center in LA, I remember something he said that revolutionized my approach at life “We tried everything, there was nothing else we could fail at, so we knew success was the only option left.” If you failed go back to #4, get up and start over.

11. To be alone - Living in Colombia I was never alone, friends were always there, family was always there, boyfriend was always there, and then I decided to move to the States. Little by little I had to learn to be my only companion for dinner, movies, shopping, and even Christmas. But I would not know who I am today if it wasn’t fot the time I spent getting to discover Jo.

12. To seek help - My husband and I have a great relationship, and like all great relationships we struggle. Most struggles we handle together, and we move forward daily, but there is this one area where we just don’t know what to do. As hard as it is to admit that your married life is not perfect to others, it’s ok. Once you find wise advice you discover nobody’s is.

13. To be very imperfect - nobody is perfect, and trying so hard to achieve a false sense of perfection is simply ridiculous. We are all imperfect beings trying to be better everyday, being imperfect is totally ok. The more you try to cover up your imperfections the more obvious they become, instead acknowledge them and work hard to get rid of them, but know perfection is not the standard.

14. To be silly - You know when you are singing in your car and you feel the people in the car next to you looking at you. Our immediate reaction is to pretend we have our bluetooth in the ear they can’t see, and we are having a very important phone conversation we are just now hanging up on. I say keep singing, smile at them and bring the hand mic out! After all the people in the other car know they do it too.

15. To eat junk every now and then - I rarely eat junk because I try to eat at home most of the time and stay in my budget, but every now and then I want the burger from the chain of preference, and that is ok. Nobody has died from the occasional in-n-out, just make sure you hit the wii afterwards!

All you need is love

2009-10-22T13:31:00.000-07:00

I went to a picket a couple weeks ago, it was my very first experience with something like that and I must admit it wasn’t a pleasant one. It’ll all started because a church from Kansas thought they had to go to San Diego High School with signs saying things like “God hates fags” and “Fags go to hell”, this idea from the church in Kansas resulted in a reaction from the gay community; hundreds of people with signs saying things like “God loves gay people too” and “If your God hates me then I hate your God”.

Here I was standing in the middle of colorful signs, rainbow flags and a woman singing a new version of God loves America that went something like “God hates America” as she was standing on an American flag. The reason I went is to interview both sides for a documentary a friend of mine is doing, with microphone in hand, camera man behind and colleague by my side I went to the side of the church first.

I stood in front of that side for a few minutes, with watery eyes and wanting to believe what I saw and what I was reading in the signs did not show the hearts of this people, wanting to believe this was all a joke and they didn’t have that much hatred stored inside of them. For a few minutes I exchanged waves and smiles with a little blond girl, she looked like she was about 7 years old and her sign read “God hates the U.S.A.”

After thinking for a few minutes, looking at them, listen to what they were saying I went over to the woman that seemed to be in charge of the picket, Shirley Phelps-Roper. I asked if I could interview her and she agreed nicely. We talked about love, family, America, how successful were their ways, why they were there, and for every question there was a perfectly understandable answer. Her and her family have been doing this for over a decade, and she has led over 19,000 pickets all over America; obviously she thinks that was she is doing is right.

My job was not to take sides; it wasn’t to argue, so I listened to her, asked more questions and thanked her politely. After that we went to the other side of the street where the gay community was standing. The people on this side outnumbered Mrs. Phelps-Roper 10 to 1 easily, but that didn’t seem to discourage her one bit.

The first sign I read on this side was one that read “let’s pray for W.B.C” (W.B.C stands for West Boro Church, the people on the other side of the street), and I was excited to see people had a loving attitude towards the people that were attacking them, but then I read more signs and the same hate portrayed by Shirley and her church was being portrayed by the gay community.

Again I was saddened, love sees beyond people’s wrongs, you are not supposed to condone what people are doing but you are supposed to love them in spite of that. And I felt like both sides of this picket forgot what love is all about.

I talked to a few representatives of the gay community and they had great valid points as to why this bothered them, why they believed God didn’t mind them choosing a homosexual lifestyle, how the church has made them feel inadequate, how some of them don’t even care about God. And I sat there remembering my recent conversation with Shirley; she opposed everything they said, with valid arguments taken straight out of the Bible.

What do you do when you disagree with everyone but can’t deny they all make sense? Shirley left when she said she would leave, right at 300pm, the gay community stayed a while longer and then started disappearing slowly. I walked to my car with a sour taste in my mouth.

I learned something at my first picket; you can’t change people, you can’t ask them to change their point of views, people believe what they believe for a reason. All you can really do is love them, respect what they believe, maybe even let them know you disagree, but love them regardless, because I have never heard of people having a better life because they were hated over their issues.

Stress from generation to generation

2009-10-15T12:27:00.000-07:00

My mom is pretty young, she got married when she was 18 and had me at 20, so I’ve always had a really young, pretty mom. She started a photography business when she was 18 years old, she loved taking pictures and in my home there were always tons of pictures and undeveloped films, so the business made sense. I remember playing in the stands of the business when I was a little girl pretending I was something people could buy and going to the lab to pick up recently developed films for clients. I love pictures and I loved my Mom’s business, but sadly a few years before digital photography hit she decided she wanted to switch to toys, she wanted to keep taking pictures but not provide Bogota with any photography needs, smart woman.

So when I was about 8 years old she took all photography items out of her stores and invested in toys. And for almost 20 years now toys have been what pay for my family’s bills. My life was quite different from my Mom’s, she loved me and my sister but she regretted not being able to have a normal 20’s, so she did everything in her power to make sure we would not have to worry about the things she had to worry. She was always running around, she was always in a hurry, even on vacation she would do the hotel’s bed and organize, its hysterical how she just could not relax.

Earlier this week my Mom had to visit the hospital, she’s been sick for a couple years now and sometimes it gets bad when she gets comfortable and doesn’t take care of herself. I called her as soon as I heard she wasn’t doing well and I asked what the doctors had said. She explained the doctors told her it is stress related and she said something like; I worked so hard so you and your sister didn’t have to stress out, I wanted you both to simply enjoy life, and now I know stress is a decision not a condition and the more I stressed the more I taught you guys to do so as well. Jo, honey you need to just relax, you stress too much, enjoy life. My Mom could have not been more right, and she did the best she could, and I truly believe her and Dad did a great job, I am not trying to boast or anything, I truly believe so.

I have been thinking about what my Mom said and how it is so important to recognize what your actions are telling. My sister and I are always in a hurry, we are always busy, and we organize hotel’s rooms just like my Mom. We thought that was normal, we never really learned to relax, the funny thing is that my Grandpa is the epitome of non relaxation, he started working at age 7 and he has not stopped since, that has been over 60 years of non stop work, by choice (he could have retired a long time ago but he enjoys working)

I owe my work ethic to my family’s approach to work, I owe them my need to be efficient, I owe them my inability to just be an spectator, and for that I am grateful. Now we have to learn to keep those things but instead of passing stress down generations, we need to teach our future kids to stop and smell the roses without working hard and doing things right.

I don’t have any kids yet, and quite frankly the idea of having any still scares me, knowing that a person will watch and learn life from me is too much of a responsibility still. I know when I do have them I will careful to pass generational blessings and cut generational curses.

The hardest thing with generational curses/blessings is to recognize them, my mom took care of that hard part for us in this case. Most times we think what we do is normal, it’s all we’ve seen. So take some time to think about your family, look at patterns, ask your parents to talk about your grandparents, as soon as you recognize a blessing strive to keep it, it’s the best kind of family “tradition” to pass down. Once you recognize a curse work hard to break it so your kids and your kid’s kids don’t have to deal with it.

Start grabbing its butt

2009-10-08T14:06:00.000-07:00

The natural response for when bad things happen is to sit and complain, and cry and bicker about our life, our luck or our God. And sometimes you feel like being a poop and complaining, sometimes what happens to you really bites and you just want to feel sorry for yourself and have droopy, teary eyes until people don’t want to look at you no more. But the truth is that such attitude won’t help you out of the situation you are in, at best it will keep you were you are at, but most times it will shove you even further down.

Last week I went to dinner with a friend of mine, she’s sick and has been for a few years now. Her sickness takes a lot of her time, energy, and tries and steals a lot of her fun. As I was talking to her I listened in amazement as she was telling me how she’s learned so much from her sickness, how she’s matured so much, how God has used her sickness to make her the person she is now, and how much she loves that. Her attitude was one of ‘make lemonade out of lemons.’ It was truly inspirational, and I must admit I felt embarrassed, I am not sick, my issues are no big deal, yet sometimes I complain like it’s the end of the world.

After hanging out with her I was reminded of a quote in Spanish that translated would go something like ‘if life turns its back on you, grab its butt.’ And I must say I am going to turn that saying into a life motto, I want it as part of the inscription on my grave stone, ok maybe not there, but I want to start grabbing the butt of life when it looks like I am in a dark place. I want to see the best in every situation, smile in sickness, joke around during financial trouble, and rejoice during emotional turmoil.

I know this being positive bologna has been said many many times, but it seems to me we are not getting it, so let’s try one more time.

It is not about ignoring the problem, you are hurting, that is a fact and nobody can debate that with you. Hurting is good, we all go through it, and we can’t really avoid it. The difference between butt grabbers and people that sit wishing they had a different life is that butt grabbers acknowledge they are hurting yet they don’t dwell on such experience. Butt grabbers don’t get consumed by the immediateness of their pain; instead they think of the good things that could potentially come out of it. My friend could have become a bitter, sad person due to her sickness, but instead she decided to grab life’s butt and learn the most of the experience she’s going through.

For me the thing is quite complicated, I need to get the whole thing out of my system. So I complain for a while, argue and yell, and ask why am I out of Colombian candy? as I kneel looking at the heavens. But once is out of my system, with the most dramatic demonstration of frustration you could imagine, I focus on the great opportunity this is to go to Colombia and get more, or to have my family come and bring me some.

So if you have to get it our of your system do it, but don’t let that process take too long, kick the negative thoughts out as soon as possible, and start reaching out to start grabbing life’s butt, after all we only live once.

Ghirardelli is my tapeworm

2009-10-01T15:41:00.000-07:00

Ghirardelli Milk Chocolate filled with Caramel and I have a passionate love for each other, we look at each other and our mouth starts to water and long for the moment we’ll meet in a scrumptious bite that will give us a feeling of absolute satisfaction.

A few weeks ago I decided Ghirardelli and I had an unhealthy relationship, I was growing dependant on it, every time I was done with a meal my thoughts would immediately jump to it and its buttery browness melting in my mouth. So after my birthday we had a talk and I broke up with it, I was done, no more Ghirardelli for Jo.

Well I must admit I have been getting more Hershey’s Cookies and Cream than I’d like to admit. I didn’t break up with Ghirardelli I am just cheating on it, oh boy am I naughty!

I am now, breaking up with the mistress, and trying to stuff my face with grapes after meals to satisfy my cravings for chocolate. I was thinking about my relationship with Ghirardelli and I thought of the many habits we have that are corrosive and how we deal with them.

Do you do something that’s not good for you? Bite your nails? Smoke? Lie to the ones you love? Cheat? Is there something is your life you know it’s harming you? Promiscuity? Alcoholism? Over eating? Everybody has habits or issues in their life that are harming, that’s no news. The interesting thing is that we all know we do, yet we indulge in this habits, we pay for them, we excuse them, we allow for them to harm us.

My addiction to chocolate and the way I handled it is nothing but human. I know having the amount of chocolate I was having is not good for me, I also didn’t want to give it up that's why I simply stopped eating one kind to start with another kind, sure I tricked myself for a bit, but deep down I knew I needed to stop the chocolate addiction, plus the more I had the more I wanted.

It’s the exact same way with more serious issues, the more alcohol you drink the more you want, and you "feel" better because you stop drinking every weekend to only socially. The more promiscuous you are the more you’ll get, and you "feel" better because you are now making sure they are at least friends. Those harming habits and behaviours are like a tapeworm that we know is inside of us, yet we decide to ignore, and we try to kill it by eating mints. Every time we feed it, it grows, and the mints are not helping, in fact they are making it worse. The problem is that one day it’ll be so big, it’ll cause irreversible damage.

We all know which habits we have in our lives that are damaging, we all know what we should change, what we shouldn’t do, what is slowly destroying us. In most cases that’s most definitely not enough, because knowing but ignoring that knowledge is useless. As we ignore those habits and behaviours we are only feeding them and therefore making them stronger.

Is getting rid of tapeworms fun? Not really no, is it easy? yeah, all you gotta do is go to the doctor, get some pills. You will be throwing up and you will have diarrhea but it's far better than having a live worm inside you.

Today check yourself, what are the tapeworms in your life? what are those things that keep eating your life away slowly? go to the doctor (pastor, psychologist, AA group, etc), get the pills, and start getting rid of them, even if the process is not that much fun.

Eroding Behaviours

2009-09-24T11:37:00.000-07:00

I have been reading about relationships and marriage, being human and all I figured it could be helpful. And as I was reading about the things that can cause problems in a relationship I started thinking about little things I've seen in my relationships and the relationships of others, and I decided to share what I consider the top eroding behaviours in a relationship.

Defensiveness
When people have a hard time acknowledging they have been wrong it's really difficult to fix problems. Resolution is never possible if your immediate response to conflict is defensiveness, and trust me there will be conflict in your relationships, whether with your husband, or with your kids, or with your parents, or with your friends, or coworkers, you will find opportunities to get yourself into a conflict and you will take it, because that's what we do, we agree and disagree and fight and make up. But when making up is impossible due to an inability to take responsibility the eternal state of your relationship will be conflict, and without some harmony no relationship will stand for long.

Not listening
What's the point of sharing your life with others if they won't take the time to hear you out? Why take the time to build a relationship with somebody that has a hard time simply sitting down and listening to you? Inevitably a relationship will suffer if one of the people in it is always about being heard instead of opening themselves to hear.

Abrasive criticism
Being criticized is sometimes necessary, you need those people in your life that show you the blind spots, but there is a line not to be crossed; when criticism is offensive or abrasive it harms relationships. When you are criticism a person and not focusing on what they are doing, you are attacking their character, not their behavior. Part of having a good relationship is being honest, but paired with that honesty there always has to be love. Whatever you communicate make sure you are communicating out of love and with words of love, otherwise all you'll accomplish is to harm your relationship. I've learned that when people start their sentences with "you" I feel attacked and communication stops, I feel criticized. So rather than telling people you hurt me, I've learned to say I felt hurt by that comment, there is a vast difference between the two.

Sarcasm
I've met a ot of sarcastic people, I find myself making sarcastic remarks every now and then, and sure it makes people laugh, but most times it's hurtful. The word itself comes for the Greek sarkazo which means to tear flesh. I was once confronted about my sarcasm, I remember the person who told me it bothered him said he didn't trust me and had no interest in being my friend because he was always expecting a smart aleck remark from me, and that was simply disrespectful. I felt so bad, but I decided to catch my sarcasm and avoid it, there is nothing that will affect a relationship more than disrespect.

Contempt
Do you roll your eyes often? do you call people names that can be demeaning? do you mock people? Contempt erodes relationships in an almost irreversible way. Like sarcasm it deals with disrespect, but it adds an element to such disrespect, hierarchy. Contempt tells others you think they are inferior, worthless and useless. When you have a hard time respecting people they have a hard time trusting you. Contempt hurts peoples self image and the image they have of you.

Dishonesty
Without trust there is no relationship, you love people as much as you trust them. Well without honesty there is no trust. Sometimes honesty will hurt, sometimes it will cause for a friend to put some space between you and them, but in the end they will come around and appreciate your honesty. And sometimes dishonesty might seem like the best idea, not to hurt people's feelings, but in the long run you are hurting the relationship beyond repair if you are not willing to be transparent.

After much thought I realized I consider the above factors that will bruise and scar a relationship because most of them have been the reason some of my relationships have been hurt. I believe most of this things can be dealt with, I believe the pain that comes from bruising a relationship can be avoided, but none of it is possible without a desire to view ourselves and the people we love from as objective a point as possible.

So give it a try, look at your relationships under the veil of eroding behaviours, be honest with yourself, and with those you love. Once you spot one of these behaviours or any others that may be damaging your relationships address them, work through them, and eventually get as far away from them as possible.

Red flags

2009-09-17T10:23:00.000-07:00

I have a single sister and a single brother, and added by my husband I have tow more single sisters. All my sisters are in their 20's and I have been praying for their future husbands for a while, I want them to have the best husbands in the world. My brother is 14 and I have been praying he stays away from girls up until he is 25 =D.

I was thinking about my sisters' future husbands and I thought it would be great if I could have a camera around their neck so I could hear all the things guys say to them and give them insight as to what they really mean. We all know we are not precisely objective or smart when a guy we like is talking to us, so having an extra set of eyes that are objective and can see beyond actions would be great. But I realized that would be a little over the top. So I decided to create a list of red flags, things that will make my sisters, and any other single woman out there think twice before they let guys ask them on a date.

You believe in God, he think God is a delusion – I am a Christian, I believe in God, in Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I lead my life according to that, I read my Bible, tithe and give offerings, go to church, I am involved in church and I pray daily. If my husband was an atheist we’d have an issue on Sunday mornings, during my prayer times, with my reading material, in regards to raising our kids, spending our money and leading our lives. And quite honestly a marriage with such a vast difference is doomed to fail. If you and the other person are not in sync when it comes to religious believes I strongly advice you to walk away from that relationship.This is non-negotiable, you can't make a relationship work when you are listening in FM and he is in AM.
He flirts with other women – You know those guys that tell the hostess at a restaurant how nice her dress is and then wink, as you are sitting at the table waiting for him to stop smiling at her? Or that guy that comments on your girlfriends body assets and is really sweet to them? Yeah he’s not being nice, he’s flirting. Sure some guys are nice and make nice comments but we all know where the line is drawn, sometimes we decide to let them cross the line because, well we like them and our judgment gets clouded by that fact, we decide to overlook the "minor" issues. If you feel uncomfortable with the way he interacts with women, you let him know and he proceeds to accuse you of being jealous and unreasonable, maybe you should call it quits. If you are not dating yet, don’t bother starting, he's flirtatious, do you really want to be with a guy that winks and smiles at every attractive woman he walks by? He will always interact with women the way he does now, you will always be the unreasonable one, and one day you might catch him being nice in bed with somebody else.
He hasn’t been alone in a little too long – Some guys have a long list of girlfriends, that is not necessarily ideal but it’s not a deal breaker either. Some guys just lost their way between puberty and maturity and ended up trying to find it in every girl that smiled at them. The problem comes when he’s still doing it. Break ups are not easy, that’s why we are not supposed to go through them, we are supposed to wait until we find a person we want to settle with and then get married and live with them forever. I know that sounds outdated but that’s how it should be. Now, I am not naïve I know that is not how it is for a lot of people (and yes I have met some that live like that). So if your guy has dated one too many girls consider the amount of time he’s allowed between break up and new girl. Is he a serial dater? Has he never been alone for more than a week? Does he take time to meet people first, get to know them before he’s asking for a first date? If he broke up with his girlfriend #45 last weekend, I say don't even think about being #46. Heck if he broke up with girlfriend #2 last week, it's still not a good idea to be #3.
He has unresolved or recurrent issues with law enforcement – I am not sure if I have to explain this one. Relationships are two people with equal abilities but different roles coming together and becoming one. One of the roles of the husband is to be the head of the family, that’s how the whole -take on his last name- started. Well, if a guy has an issue respecting those in authority he doesn’t have the maturity or ability to be in authority. He will probably abuse you and if it comes to it he will abuse your children. If he has unresolved or recurrent issues with authorities let him handle those first before you agree on dinner and a movie.
He's disrespectful to his parents, particularly his mother – How a man treats his mother gives you a glimpse of the way he will treat you. I know some people have had tough childhoods, I know some parents have been less than perfect, but that doesn’t give children the authority to be disrespectful. If he yells at his parents, curses at them, ignores them, and blatantly defies and disrespects them, you might want to think twice before wanting him to become the person you spend most of your time with.
He's not courteous to people – Have you ever met someone that was rude, abrasive, disrespectful. You know the person that treats waiters like servants, and then tips them 5% if that? You know that person that has an unsupported idea that they own the world and everyone should be aware of their needs and wants and be willing to meet them? That person that treats others with a certain superiority complex? When I met my husband I wasn’t all that interested in dating, as a consequence I wasn’t interested in him, but he caught my attention because he was such a gentleman to everybody. He would open doors for all the girls, he walked on the outside of the sidewalk all the time, he would be nice to random people everywhere, and he was like that all the time. I knew it was genuine because he was like that with me and with others, when I was around and when I wasn’t, it is simply who he is. On the other hand I have met guys that are not that nice to people, only to the girl they are trying to get. During the whole courting process guys are trying to sweep you off your feet, but as soon as you start dating you will too become one of his imaginary servants. So if he is oddly rude and you feel bad when he talks to people and feel like apologizing for him, even if he is nice to you, I suggest you let him deal with his complex all on his own.
He talks bad about ex girlfriends, his own friends, or his family – Ok if he talks about his ex girlfriends all the time whether positively or negatively, don’t even bother, he’s not over her, and you are wasting your time and setting yourself up for heartbreak. But if he talks about her every now and then and what he says is negative all the time, be careful. Relationships are between 2 people, it never ends because of just one person, and those who are unwilling to take responsibility and instead have given themselves openly to bitterness, are obviously not in a position to give their heart to a new person. If he speaks negatively of his friends and family he’s most definitely not trustworthy and you will be the one in his mouth sooner than you think. If I was you I'd save myself a headache and stay away.
He doesn't pursue you but lets you do all the work – One of my friends is the sweetest girl in the world, but she always ends up with guys that take her for granted. Her views on dating are different than mine since she’s not a Christian, but the mistake is the same whether you believe in God or not. She pursues guys, when she likes a guy she makes the opportunities available for him to hang out with her, she calls him, she invites him places, she plans the weekend, she always gives the surprises, she makes the whole thing happen. It is in guys’ nature to pursue women, they appreciate what costs them having. If you are doing all the work and he’s letting you don’t bother anymore. Let guys pursue you, you are that valuable that they should be willing to do anything to get you. When my husband asked me out for the first time I showed up with 4 people, I am sure that was irritating to him, but he didn't let that stop him, he was nice with everyone that night, gave one of them a ride, laughed, had fun, and then tried asking me out again. If anything stops him, he wants it easy and he’s not willing to pay the price, then he’s not worth the time of day.
He calls you names, criticizes you or talks down to you – Tagging along with what I said before, a woman is a great treasure, whoever treats that treasure without the utmost care and respect is not worthy of having it. A guy that feels comfortable calling you names, criticizing every move you make and talking down to you doesn’t understand how precious you are. Make sure you are respecting him always and demand from everybody the same kind of respect you give. If he doesn't respect you with his words, he won't respect you with his actions, and if you end up marrying him, there is a good chance your kids will follow his example and disrespect you as well.
His closest friends are men you would never marry, and you dislike – There is a saying in Spanish that goes something like "tell me who you are with and I’ll tell who you are." Your closest friends are in that position because they share most, if not all, of you likes, dislikes, views and stand points. If the guy you like has friends that hang out at stripclubs and see women as disposable, it doesn’t really matter how he’s treating you right now, there is some of that in him. Now you have to be careful, sometimes they have old friends who took a wrong turn somewhere, but make sure those are not his closest friends, the people he calls for counsel, the ones in whom he trusts. Remember he will call them when you guys disagree on something, make sure you are with a man that will get advice from the right kind of men.
He's going to Calcutta and you are on your way to New York – I have a friend who got married about 3 years ago, and then she got divorced about 2 and a half years ago. Nobody marries somebody they don’t think they love (ok there are exceptions, but let’s go with the rule here), so how is it possible that they got divorced so soon after the wedding? Well he wanted 4 kids, a stay at home wife and to live in the suburbs. She was reluctant about one kid, she wanted a nanny, and to climb the corporate ladder. If what he wants does not line up with what you want, why are you even thinking about a relationship with him? There are minor issues than can be discussed and you can be flexible with those; private school vs home schooling, vs public school; or having pets vs no pets; or spending Christmas with the in laws vs spending it alone together. Those issues are no biggie, but when it comes to major things, kids, dreams, location, religion (read #1), there can’t be any overlooking. If you guys see yourself going different places in the future, don’t make any ties in the present that will be hard to break when it's time to part. Otherwise you will end up hurting or bitter because you didn't live the life you wanted to.

I am sure I could add a few more points to the red flag list, but I feel I mentioned the ones that are the most critical. Relationships are complicated, and some of this items are to be reviewed on a case to case basis, but for the most part they are red flags that should not be ignored if you are trying to protect your heart.

I encourage you to pay attention to red flags, if there are more than one in the relationship you are in right now, or the one you want to start; be careful. It might be wiser to walk away right now and maintain your heart unbroken. If you are a man read through the list, and examine yourself, if there is something in your life or character that might bring questions deal with that, work on your character now.

Booyah

2009-09-09T23:51:00.000-07:00

My husband has been playing sports since he was a little kid, and for what I've heard, and the old local newspaper pieces I've seen here and there in his Mom's old boxes tagged Cal, he's always been pretty good.

Every Monday night he plays basketball in a small league with some of his friends. This season they haven't done so great and last time they played they got their 5th defeat out of 6 games. He came back from the game and told me how frustrating it was to keep losing and I asked him why? to me if they are having fun and learning they are not losing, and he explained it’s simply because he’s such a competitive person when it comes to sports.

I don’t like competitive people, but more often than not I am told I am a competitve person, which poses a big problem for me. Add to that the fact that my husband thinks he is competitive too and ladies and gentleman we are screwed; I dislike the two closest people to me!

Well the thing is my point of reference when it comes to competitiveness is not precisely the most positive. It’s the kind rooted in jealousy and envy, the kind that makes well paid executives of big companies play dirty, and put a private investigator on people when the CEO’s possition becomes available.

Do you know what I mean? Have you ever experienced that kind of competitiveness? That agression to prove someone is better? You know that person that flirts with your crush? That “friend” that is so very good at pointing out your flaws in front of people all the time but has a hard time acknowledging you look good? That guy that yells IN YOUR FACE everytime he beats you at tic tac toe? That co-worker that keeps trying to impress the boss and make you look bad? That’s the kind of competitiveness I think about when people say they are competitive, it’s embarrasing, it’s is evidence of the worst in human nature.

So when my husband gets back home upset because he lost, and he says he’s competitive and then follows that letting me know I am too, I cringe!

In my cringing I decided to think about winning and losing and how I can't really relate to my husband's frustration. And I ended up remembering how we say "booyah" often (you can blame our 2 and 1/2 year old niece for that one), but it's never at each other, it's at stuff, at life. If we get a great discount for remembering to use a coupon we say "booyah"; if we finish our chores sooner than we thought we would, we say "booyah"; if we are able to put a huge bag in a really small space and make the apartment look more organized we say "booyah". That translates into bigger things as well, we reached a savings goal sooner than we thought and we say booyah, we get accepted for a home loan and and we say booyah, we fight a flu and recover in less than 24 hrs and we say? yeah that's right "booyah."

So I guess we are both competitive people, I mean booyah only comes out of the mouth of such specimens right? I realized I am as competitive as my husband, not in the same areas but in the exact same way. I understand now his competition at the basketball games is not even with the opponent team, is with himself. The frustration comes from knowing he could do better. And in that sense I agree with his competitive nature.

I have decided to embrace my competitve nature, but make sure it’s rooted properly, not in envy and jealousy. I encourage you to do the same. I hope you will never find me smiling big when I win at monopoli as I make sarcastic, mean comments about your inability to manage money. But instead you will most definitely find me yelling booyah at the awesome filet mignon I’ll be able to cook after conquering my 24 years of going in a kitchen only for cereal.

Humble as a peacock... what?

2009-09-03T16:42:00.000-07:00

Being humble, well, being humble is hard. It's been a battle of mine for years, the battle against my pride. I remember when I discovered I was proud, it was a few years ago. I was reading a book and the book had a few questions at the end of each chapter. It so happens that this particular chapter had a challenge at the end, ask your 3 closest people to tell you your top 3 weaknesses and top 3 strengths. Well my 3 people agreed on one weakness; pride.

I remember thinking "pride? I am not proud, what the heck is that supposed to mean. Plus who said pride is a weakness?" So I started my study on pride and humility. And I found out the coolest thing, we are all proud. We are, however, convinced that we are not, that we are completely humble. So yeah, that's right, I just said you are proud, proud as a peacock.

In spanish there are two different words for pride, soberbia (bad pride), and orgullo (good pride). It so happens that this people were talking about bad pride, not the kind that you feel when you accomplish something you thought you weren't going to be able to accomplish, or the one you feel when your son or daughter does something good. No, not that one, instead they were talking about the one that makes you annoying, and makes you seem arrogant.

So since my issue was with soberbia aka bad pride, I decided to research on it.

Some of the following questions were raised as I was trying to understand my pride. Some of them were veridic evidence of my issue. And since I stated we are all proud already, read on and see if like me you have to battle pride.

Do you take every opportunity to claim credit for things you are involved in?
Do you have a hard time saying "please forgive me" or "I am sorry"?
Do you like to be right and to prove what you know?
Is it hard for you to admit you are wrong?
Do you ever think your job role is more important than the next person?
Do you think you are smarter than your co-workers or friends?
Do you like to handle things on your own without help from others?
Do you ever brag about things you do or can do?
Is it difficult for you to admit you don't know something?

Now do me a favor, read them again and answer honestly, if you hesitate just let it be a yes. Done? alright. If you answered yes to any of these questions you are not as humble as you thought.

Why is humility important?

Being humble is being honest about yourself and your faults and strengths, and understanding and respecting that others too, have strengths and faults.

The importance of humility lies in having a proper perception of reality. When you are truly humble, and you truly understand humility you discover who you are, who you are not, who others are, and who others are not. Humility puts your life in the right perspective, allowing for you to see others from the right angle.

I've noticed more often than not that every time somebody is too proud there is a self esteem issue down under, more often than not proud people have low self esteem. They don't like themselves, they compare themselves with others and to compensate for their discomfort they act in a prideful, sometimes arrogant way.

I have also noticed that when someone has the wrong definition of humility, they too have self esteem issues. They are push overs, that hide their lack of courage behind a false sense of humility. The balance is hard to find, but it's not impossible.

How to be more humble?

First learn to appreciate your strenghts, humility does not equate with lack of confidence, it doesn't mean you can't feel good about yourself. Ask a few close friends and family what your strenghts are, be thankful for them and keep cultivating them.

Once you have the strenghts down go for the hard part, the weaknesses. Ask the same people you asked about your strengths to tell you what your biggest weaknesses are. It's not easy to hear you have weknesses but it is important. Only by knowing what's wrong are you able to fix it. once you've recognized your weaknesses educate yourself on them, and work on making them strenghts.

Recognize your faults. I remember a few years ago I had the hardest time saying I was sorry (side note, no wonder I was single. God was not going to let my husband deal with that!). But I started doing it here and there. I remember the first time I did it honestly and purposefully. I knew my dad liked to get to church 30 minutes before service to be able to talk to people, but I wasn't ready until 15 minutes before (we lived fairly close). And he didn't say much but I knew he was upset, and I swallowed my pride, bit my tongue for 3 minutes and muttered softly "I am sorry dad, it won't happen again." My dad made it easier because he's a sweet, gracious man; and it was a good start to the many, many, many times I've had to apologize since.

Apologizing is acknowledging you are not perfect and you make mistakes, it helps you not only to stay humble but be more gracious when others wrong you. When you know how hard it is to ask for forgiveness, you are more likely to be forgiving when someone humbles themselves to you.

Appreciate the strenghts and talents of others. Focus on those instead of their weaknesses and work with those things that are possitive. Sure you will still have your preferences, I personally have a hard time relating to negative people, but I make an effort to focus on their strenghts and deflect their negativity. It is a good exercise to appreciate others, it allows you to be reminded that you are not the only one with talent!

Be teachable, recognize you do not know it all. Find people you admire, people that know things you want to know yourself, people that live how you'd like to live and ask them to be your mentors. Submit yourself to them and learn from their widsom and from the exercise of letting somebody else know that you think they know better than you.

Make it a point to compliment others, find beauty everywhere you go and honestly let those around you know when you've seen beauty in them. It will keep you from jealousy and it will bring people closer to you.

Allow for wonder to come into your life. Did you know that a caterpillar has 4000 different muscles? thats over 3300 more than humans. Did you know that the furthest galaxy is about 14 billion light years away? Did you know your neighbor was born with two different color eyes? Let yourself be amazed by everything, listen to an elderly person and be amazed, look at kids playing in a park and be amazed, find new wrinkles in your spouses face and be amazed. The world is so big, so many things happen around us, we miss most of it, so conciously let wonder enter your life and notice the amazing things that you didn't see before.

Be grateful. Say thank you every time you have a chance, people don't have to do anything for you, but the fact that they do deserves your gratitude. Be reminded that they coud be doing something far more entertaining but yet they are doing something to benefit you and be grateful.

When you don't know something simply say I don't know. It's ok to not know things, just by reading this blog you have learned at least one thing you didn't know (you are proud, or the amount of muscles in a caterpillar, or that I am proud). When you say you don't know you let others know you are not perfect, you are vulnerable and there are some areas in which you could learn from them.

Believe in God. Knowing you have a creator than knows better than you, that knows more than you and is willing to have a personal relationship with you keeps you humble. Being concious of the fact that He sent His only son to die for your sins, reminds you that even though you are not perfect you are loved, and allows for you to love others in that exact same way.

Maybe you have been battling pride like I have and some other ideas have been helpful, please do share! Maybe you are just realizing you have a battle to fight, in that case I'll be happy to help you. Whatever the case embrace humility and take the burden of pride off of your back.

I wish I was tall like you

2009-08-24T14:08:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend a few days ago and we both discovered we are ridiculous. First let me describe this woman, she's about 5'9, has a two year old, and a month old baby, but the kind of body most women with no kids would kill for. She's super sweet, has an amazing character, is loving and caring, and she's absolutely gorgeous.

My husband took a picture of me while we were with her and the kids and I was looking down at her baby, therefore an obnoxious double chin ended up adorning my head. And we started talking about weight and looks and I mentioned how I'd gained a few pounds since I got married (being spoiled by my husband with treats all the time is taking a toll in my buttocks size). I mentioned how I am starting to worry about them pounds because I am freaking 5'2. I can't really afford to be any heavier than what I currently am, and then I said I wish I was tall and skinny like her.

Both my new friend and my husband looked at me like I am crazy. And my gorgeous, everyone-is-jealous-of-her friend said she wished she had my body type. I looked at her with the come on! kind of look. But she was serious, she feels she's too tall and too skinny.

Isn't it funny some of us tend to see what we want in what others have? I will never be 5'9, heck I will never be 5'3, but pretty soon I will have kiddos and there is a good chance my body will never look like it does now, so why not love it just like it is? my friend will never look like me, but why not focus on the fact that her baby fat is like Houdini?

See what we experience with looks is simply a small portion of what our hearts experience, we want their house, their car, their wife, their kids, their job, their friends, their life. But what we fail to realize is that ours is perfect; it doesn't matter if you live in a one bedroom apartment with no air conditioning, it's perfect, because it's where magical and beautiful memories are being built. It doesn't matter if you hope to be married but you are still single, you won't be a good wife/husband until you learn certain lessons and learn to be content being by yourself and dealing with your own issues. It doesn't matter if your job is not what you dreamt of, maybe the experience you are acquiring there is what you need to be successful in your dream job. I've learned seasons come and go pretty quickly, and the best thing to do is enjoy wherever you are, make the most of it, learn a lot from it, and then move onto the next season.

Now I am not saying we are supposed to be content with an abusive husband because he doesn't cheat. Or to be content being unhealthily overweight. What I am saying is that our focus should not be on those things others have that we want, but instead on the good things that we have. I believe that's where the secret of true happiness lies. if you are not happy today, when everything lines up and seems perfect you won't be either because you'll be missing the seasons you didn't enjoy.

I don't know what season you are in, what part of yourself you really don't like. But I encourage you to see all the positive things you have going on for yourself and simply learn to choose joy no matter what.

Pursuing and the pursued

2009-08-06T13:14:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago my husband and I were talking and he said I was intimidating when he first met me. I said whaaat? I am a 5'2'', 97 pound brown girl with a tick accent, I smile all the time and I was at church when we met so I was being extra nice... just kidding I try hard to be nice all the time. And he said that what was intimidating was how I treated guys, I was always very serious and distant with them, he never saw me trying hard to get attention from them, and every time I was in groups of people I was more interested in spending time with girls than guys.

All he said it's true, at the time he met me the last thing on my mind was starting a relationship, I had amazing girlfriends, and I was guarding my heart, making sure no guy was coming anywhere near. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to eventually find somebody, but I didn't want to look, I didn't want to try hard, I was more focused on me and my girlfriends than guys and their intentions.

I wasn't precisely playing hard to get, I was being careful. After a few years of being single, one thing I knew, the next person I started dating, the next guy I went on a date with, he was going to be my husband. The reason was, I didn't want to waste my time getting to know someone and opening my heart for just anybody, relationships take effort and energy and I didn't want to use any energy on something fleeting, I wanted to make sure it was energy well spent.

So I knew they guy that was for me was going to have to get me, he was going to have to pursue me, try hard, if he gave up because I said no to hanging out alone with him, then he wasn't worth my time. The only way I could at least try and guarantee I wouldn't waste my time in a meaningless relationship was by letting him pursue me. If he was willing to do whatever to get me, then he understood how much I was worth, and he was going to appreciate me the rest of his life.

I was going to let him, whoever he was, do all the work, and he was going to be willing to do whatever, he wasn't going to relent, he wasn't going to stop. I know that sounds like I am conceited and think too much of myself, but in reality it's just our nature, women like to be pursued, we like to be treated like we are special and an amazing blessing to whomever we are with. And I know from talking to my dad and husband, that men like to pursue, they like to get what seems impossible to get, and they won't do the pursuing unless they've found something worth their time and energy.

I have seen people try the other approach, I have seen girls make it easy for guys, flirt with every guy that so much as smiles at them. And I have seen guys not try to hard and get everything they can from whoever offers. And rarely have I seen a healthy, meaningful relationship come out of it. The problem with such approach is that if we make it so easy for guys to get us, they never even realize we are a precious, therefore they treat us like a freebie, pretty much because we were. We all know we take a lot more care of those things which cost was great for us, than those that were free.

Ladies we are so valuable, nobody should go anywhere near us if he's not willing to pay the price. Gentleman if you've seen her, and you know she's amazing, don't waste your time with freebies, instead do whatever it takes to get the one that was created for you. Sure free stuff is always fun, but oh the satisfaction of getting what you've worked hard to get. Sure getting attention is exciting, but knowing he understands how much you are worth is way more exhilarating.

So if you are single and a girl just wait, the right man, the one who realizes how valuable you are, and what a blessing you can be, will come to you and will do the pursuing, don't move a finger to make it happen, that's the only way you'll know he understands what you are worth. If you are a guy, stop settling, the woman for you is around the corner, when you see her make sure you pursue her with all you have, if it's easy to get is not worth having. In the meantime wait for her to come around, you don't want her to meet you precisely when you are getting a freebie.

Thank you!

2009-08-05T08:18:00.000-07:00

I left a good friend in Vegas, she's probably one of the most loving people I have ever met, she lives at the fullest, and it seems to me that she allows for positive emotions to be felt completely and largely. If she's happy she'll be fully happy, she'll be drunk with happiness, if she was excited you'd see her letting the world know, smiling big and sometimes even jumping up and down. Her laughter could be heard across the room, and it would always brighten our days.

I remember one time when I had known her for just a few months, she received a thank you note from our church, where she volunteered in the kids department. It was a handwritten thank you card from the Kid's pastor. We were talking about it and she told me how much that impacted her, she was truly touched by that, and with her emotions in her sleeve she let them know how thankful she was they were grateful. I had never seen anybody so touched, and happy over a thank you card, and I thought it was awesome.

I worked for this church, and I had no idea we did that, it was obviously an initiative taken by the pastors and leaders, and I thought it was a great way to make people feel they are being appreciated, but what I thought was the most amazing thing was her reaction. I remember she would always make sure I knew how much she appreciated me and how grateful she was for everything, even little things like listening to her. I understood she was so grateful for the note because that is something she would do and she doesn't experience it as often as she allows for others to experience it.

As I was thinking about her I realized she is one of my most loved friends, and I haven't really known her for that long. She is one of the people I miss the most in Vegas and I still keep her in mind and pray for her constantly. I thought that was weird considering we weren't friends for many years and we haven't seen each other in months. But I realized my love and appreciation for her was based on the way she treats me, she always seems happy for me, she always compliments me, she listens to me, she genuinely cares about me, and she makes sure to thank me for every little thing I do.

I am an appreciative person, but I don't know if I always make it a point to say thank you to people. Sometimes things are taken for granted. As I was thinking about my good friend and the way she treated me I realized some friendships would last a lot longer if we took the time to be appreciative, if we didn't take their time, words, actions and phone calls for granted. Saying thank you when people pay your debt off or buy you lunch is a courtesy, but saying thank you when someone simply listens to you vent or watches a movie with you when you don't want to be alone, reveals you understand they don't have to do that but it means a lot that they did.

I believe we have forgotten people around us don't have to do the things they do, I have realized I have taken many things for granted and I want to make sure I let those who have taken the time to love me in some form or fashion are aware of the fact that I have noticed and I am grateful.

I say don't wait until the 4th thursday in November to give thanks, start today, say thanks for even small things, and maybe send a thank you note a week, or every two weeks and let those around you know you truly care. Do you remember the feeling the last time you received an unexpected card in the mail? well go ahead and make sure somebody feels that same way!

Let go of frustrations

2009-08-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

I remember the last thing that really really upset me; it was a comment, I know it sounds silly, but it was very demeaning, made at the wrong time, in the wrong crowd. I don't know if the person that made the comment was trying to make me feel bad, or was trying to look good, or was simply talking without thinking. None of it matters, bottom line; I felt horrible, people started staring at me, and as homicidal thoughts kept crossing my mind I smiled, I smiled like I was trying to get the 1st price on a smiling contest and I made my way out of there as soon as I could.

I left the place but I couldn't stop thinking about what this person had said, I couldn't believe someone would be so cruel, or clueless. As my day kept progressing it didn't get better, I was just cranky so hello's sounded like growls and the very typical how are you doing? seemed inappropriate and annoying. After going on with my day looking like I wanted to take somebody's eyes out, I went home.

That day was not precisely what you'd call a good one, and a few days ago I had to hear something that wasn't nice at all either; and I was reminded of the day my thoughts could have gotten me 15 years away and a $350.000 fine. This time I decided my day was not going to be ruined by a mean comment; not this time, and I learned a few things about dealing with frustrations.

Act like you want to feel

I smiled that day, I didn't do it to fake I wasn't affected by the comment, I was smiling for the fun of it. I decided to start acting like I wanted to feel, and not feed the emotions that don't really add anything to me. No, I am not in denial trying to hide my frustrations, I am trying to get pass them quicker. What will be added to you if you stay frustrated all day? What will you gain if you decide to be upset forever?

So I decided to act like I wanted to feel, not like I was feeling, after about 30 minutes or so, it was no longer how I wanted to feel but instead how I really felt.

Do something nice for somebody

I was talking to a friend and she told me she decided to take action when discouraged as well. Not only does she act like she wants to feel, but she also makes it a point to do something nice for somebody.

Doing something nice always makes people feel better. A few weeks ago I was interviewing people in Hillcrest and when I asked people what they'd like to do every single one of them answered help people in some form or fashion. It's in our DNA to want to help others, we just get to busy with out own lives to take the time to realize there is more going on than just our problems.

I don't know if you have tried this, but I have, and I highly recommend it. I believe that when we focus on somebody else our problems seem a lot smaller, they seem to vanish as we shift our focus. Nothing is the big deal we thought it was, and everything seems to have either a solution or a plan of action that will make it better. When we decide to help somebody else we are overtaken by the satisfaction of helping someone smile, so frustrations, fights, and problems seem to take a different form.

Ask for forgiveness

It is great to get over our little tantrum, and not feeling upset is wonderful. But the frustration will rise again if you don't take the problem out from the root. Go up to that person, let them know you got offended by a comment they made, and ask for forgiveness for letting it stand between you. Life is too short to stay mad at people, and asking for forgiveness is the most liberating feeling in the world. let go of your pride and accept the thing wouldn't have been that big of a deal if you would have told them, in private, you actually got hurt over it. So if we get offended, upset and then go on being upset but say nothing we are at fault too.

Whether the person reacts positively or negatively keep in mind you are there to ask for forgiveness, and to forgive them whether they ask for it or not. I am not saying you keep all people as best friends, sometimes this things happen so you know where you stand with certain people, but at least you'll know you've done the right thing.

Lastly, occupy your thoughts with more important things. A comment, a fight, something upsetting is not worth that much thought. Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people." And I believe it's true. So make sure you keep a great mind and your discussions and thoughts are filled with ideas, not so much people.

Why are the papers still on the shelf?

2009-07-29T23:20:00.000-07:00

Last week I had to send some paper work over to an accreditation company so I can finish my applying process at school to get my masters degree. I have time, so I put most of the paper work together, and then went off to organize the bills, pay the ones that had to get paid, worked on some of the volunteer work I do, cooked dinner, did the dishes, organized my closet, and watched a movie that had to be returned as soon as possible.

A few as busy days rolled by, and this morning I found the papers sitting in the bookshelf waiting to be sent. I said to myself I will send those as soon as I get everything done. So I went on with my day, did all the urgent things that had to get done, and I found myself having dinner with friends at 645pm, getting ready to sit down with them, have a conversation and wait for bed time.

I am in bed right now, and yeah, you guessed it right, the papers are still playing the part of crappy decoration on top of my book shelf. I got mad at myself for not doing it, I was supposed to send them last week, it's almost Thursday and I keep being too busy to do what I really want to do. So I looked at my to-do list and saw that sending the papers is right there, the problem is the priority the task was given; medium.

My weeks are spent doing lots and lots and lots of things, I run around like an ant a few months before winter, working as hard as possible to get everything done, but I never seem to accomplish all the things I want to accomplish. Most weeks my to-do list is completely unrealistic as I have more tasks than an entire army could get done in that time period, so I roll the tasks onto the next week and by the end of each month I have a longer list of undone things than done things.

I divide my tasks by priorities, high, medium and low. I've been doing it for a while, and I must admit that not only did it work all of my years in college, but I do get a lot done. However, most of the things I get done, are not precisely the things I want to do, they are usually the things I have to do.

So after reading about time management for a while I have decided to try a new approach, to-do lists which tasks are divided into important or urgent things. As I was reading about my planned approach I realized the problem with the priorities to-do list, is that many urgent tasks would get high priority as they had to get done asap, it's like they had a fake important mask on, they were tricking me into getting them done. The important tasks that were not urgent would get low or medium priority, but sadly they were the ones I really wanted to get to, the ones that would make me fill accomplished.

So the experiment is to spend 60% of my time knocking important things off of my to-do list. I believe that if I focus on those things that will impact my goals and my life in a greater way, the urgent things will just have to get done in between significant accomplishments. We'll see if my theory is proved to be true.

What you feel only matters to you

2009-07-26T12:48:00.000-07:00

I was watching "The last kiss" with friends a few nights ago and as we went up a down the roller coaster of emotions the movie was taking us in, we kept talking about the things being said and being done and how insanely frustrating they were.

There was this man in the movie who after 30 years of marriage took his wife for granted, and forgot that she needed to feel loved, she needed for him to do things to remaind her he loved her. So she ended up cheating on him, keeping quiet for 3 years and then exploding, telling him and leaving him.

He was a good man, and you can assume from his reactions that he adored her, but it didn't really matter because he failed to let her know with actions. I am happy to tell you they get back together after what seemed a few days. In the meantime this couple's pregnant daughter is going through unfaithfulness herself as her boyfriend of 3 years gets overwhelmed with the idea of being a father an settling down, and decided to pay attention to a cute little brunette that just by smiling gets whatever male attention she wants.

So now that the parents have reconciled, the daughter knows what's best to do when in crisis. Run home! She is hiding in her room, crying her eyes out and listening to her Mom's very relevant advice while her boyfriend is downstairs talking to her dad, listening to pieces of wisdom he probably acquired just a few days back. And he says what to me would become a revelation: "What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts"

I had never thought of that, we are all so consumed with our own lives, blinded by our own ego, that we think our feelings should be held in the utmost reverence, but in reality they only matter to us. I can say I love you and mean it completely, but it doesn't really matter if I can't put your feelings before mine. If we love people, what should matter to us is not the fact that we love them, that's useless to them, what should matter is making them feel how much they are loved.

I am not saying feelings are not important, what I am saying is that what's most important to you is how you make others feel, not how you feel about them. The moment we let go of our own feelings and focus instead in other's feelings, our own become much more valid, much more real.

When I first met my husband I had absolutely no clue he was interested in me, I didn't even know he had noticed me. It turns out that he talked about meeting me with his brother, even though it wasn't even something particularly special. I introduced myself at church because I noticed he had never been there, I was an intern at the time and we all made it a point to introduce ourselves to new people to make them feel welcome.

After a few months of very little interaction, I still had absolutely no clue he was interested, but he had mentioned me to his family and he was always excited to see my name in his email inbox. It was never never really obvious that he liked me, he was so nice and courteous with everyone.

It wasn't until he drove overnight to see me and talk to me, that I started to think he was actually interested. His feelings meant nothing because I didn't know, and he could have gone an entire life having feelings for me, and they would have been completely real, but they weren't valid until he did something to let me know about them.

I want to learn to show people what i feel for them, get over my own feelings and focus on what my actions say about what I am feeling. I think we can be a lot more effective at loving people if our main concern is not to let them know, but to have them experience it.

Take the china out for mac & chesse

2009-07-23T14:52:00.000-07:00

I have never understood the obsession with fancy china, it boggles my mind how much people protect their china. A kid can break a leg but oh my goodness if the china is harmed.

Due to my inability to understand fancy china I do not own fancy china, I just have one plate that belonged to Napoleon and Josephine (don’t ask how I got it, it came with the package my husband is), and a few gobblets that are super cool.

I do own fancy sheets though. Caleb and I got nice sheets as a wedding gift, when we found out the price we really wanted to return them and get a plethora of fun little things. But we still have the sheets with us and they have not been opened yet, they are in their immaculate box looking all pretty, soft and expensive.

Why are we protecting the nice china for the day the president comes for supper? What if we die tomorrow and we never enjoy whatever we are protecting zealously? I can almost guarantee the president will enjoy the food in whatever plate you serve it, if you make it with dedication and love and it’s the kind of food that makes you want to lick the plate and forget about overweight.

So last night, as I felt my regular sheets covering me, and as I thought of what I would cook for the president if he ever visits. I felt an urge to change the sheets, break open the nice fancy box and wrap myself around the softness. I felt like burning the nice candles I am keeping for a special occasion and drinking sparkling water with peppermint leaves from the cool orange gobblets. Why not?

I didn’t do it because it was nearly 1am, and I didn’t think that waking my husband up to change the sheets because I was having a sudden revelation about fear was very nice. I stayed in bed, eyes wide open, new fan blowing at full speed making an annoying noise I am totally willing to bear if I don’t wake up drenched in sweat. And I thought to myself: I wonder how many things I am hiding inside of me, how many dreams, talents, words, stories, are just too valuable to let out.

I believe we live in fear for far too long, we are always waiting for the right time to say I love you, waiting for the perfect moment to run the marathon, keeping the perfect dress for the perfect audition, waiting to write the most amazing piece for the perfect magazine. And in reality we are just afraid of failure, because what if we take out the nice china for mac & chesse and it breaks? What if we use the glorious dress for that audition and we don’t get it? What if we write and send the most amazing piece, and we are turned down? What then? What would we do? How would we deal with that? At least if we keep the china protected we can always go back and look at it right?

Well, last night I got it (I think it was the new fan, I am totally giving it full credit). If we keep the china, we keep the talents, we stay fearful, we will wake up one day and looking at the china will only be a reminder of our failure, our inability to go for it, enjoy the ride, it will be regrets looking back at us with shameful eyes.

If you break the china, if you fail, if you use the dress for an audition that didn't work out, it's ok. Then you tell the story to your friends, cry if you need to. And then you wake up the next day, do your hair, put on your make up, look fabulous and keep trying; you go to the next audition wearing another killer dress, you write another amazing piece and send it to another amazing magazine, you use the rest of the china until it is all messed up, and then you buy more or wait for your daughter to get married and get some from grandma.

Every day is as special as you decide it is, every day there’s something to celebrate, every day is worth trying, every day is a brand new opportunity. That talent you have inside you are so afraid to let out because you are afraid to fail; today you should let it out; go, try, jump, dance, love, cry, smile, do it…just do it, what on good heaven are you waiting for? the chances of the president visiting you if you are not going for it, if you are just waiting are quite slim.

The worst that can happen when you use the fancy china is that you break it, the worst that can happen when you let out your talents, say what you've been meaning to say or do what you've been wanting to do, is that you fail, and so what? you can always try again. But knowing that you can die tomorrow having tried it all, is worth a lot more than whatever you paid for that china.

... but honey I said you were a good husband!

2009-07-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

I am reading The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. My husband and I went through the whole love language thing before we got married so I know his love language is physical touch and my love language is words of affirmation.

We thought we were good, I know he needs for me to be affectionate and hug and kiss and make some sort of contact with him, and he knows I need for him to tell me I am pretty, talented, loved and appreciated. We will forever be in peace and love each other in the best way possible, right? Hmmm well WRONG!

This morning my beloved husband woke up pretty early, I had gone already through my second snooze and I knew I still had a couple to go before I had to wake up. He rolled around and got really close to me, so I moved to the border of the bed because we are in July, we don’t have air conditioning, and because any kind of touch will further wake me and that is almost a sin in my book. He proceeded to move closer and I proceeded to move away, and this kept going until I was almost falling of the bed and he was seriously confused.

Now most mornings this is not the case, most mornings I remember he needs to be touched and I roll around and put my head on his chest for my last 5 minutes of sleep, and most mornings he remembers I am not a morning person and he lets me lie on his chest quietly. But this morning was different, we were getting up particularly early because I had to wash my hair, and I was up for about 3 more hours than him last night.

Right before I fell from the bed I turned around and said “honey could you move back to your side of the bed, it’s just really hot.” And ladies and gentleman we started our day with that ~~loving~~ statement. He moved alright, out of the room! He went into the living room and I went back to my very precious last 5 minutes of sleep.

When I finally got out of bed I said hi to him like nothing had happened and he said hi back without really looking at me, I knew something was up but since I need time to think things through when I am upset I decided to shower and let him be for a bit (please notice the I need in that statement!).

After my shower he was the sweet husband that he is and he brought me my hot water with fiber and told me he had started the tea pot for my tea. I thanked him and told him what an amazing husband he was and how much I loved him, but I kept on working on my hair. Right after I got done with my bangs he walked past me and gave me a hug, and a nice little kiss.

By this point you could tell we weren’t all that happy with each other but we were both trying. He was touching me and I was telling him I loved him, right? I got done with the hair we read our Bibles together and we talked about what was going on. We left for work not being frustrated at each other and having a greater understanding of the whole love language thing.

So often we love people our way and forget to see that their needs are different, they are speaking Cantonese and in the meantime we keep explaining ourselves in English. J'te aime, Ich libe dich, Ai shiteru, Ti amo, Ek is lief vir jou, Wo oi ney, Tora dost daram. It all sounds like rubbish to me if I want to hear I LOVE YOU!

What happened this morning was a small incident, but if we fail to address it and recognize we are different, and we have to learn to love each other the way the other needs to be loved, the issue will become huge. So huge we might end up filling a divorce under “irreconcilable differences”, which could also be translated as absolute inability to want to fulfill your spouse's emotional needs.

This morning me and my husband realized once again we speak different languages, and once again we promised each other to try our best. We will try not only to love each other the way we need to be loved, but also to acknowledge when we are trying with the wrong love language.

How many times have you felt under appreciated or unloved? How many times have you been told you don’t appreciate or love somebody when you truly did? How many times have you taken the time to understand the emotional needs of other people are not necessarily your same emotional needs?

This morning challenged me in many ways, not only do I want to become a better wife, but a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, a better person. I want to acknowledge others needs and in that same way understand when they are loving me in their own peculiar way but I feel like they are not even trying. Today once again I learned that being humble and choosing love is a daily journey.

Our purpose

2009-07-17T12:51:00.000-07:00

I watched La Vie en Rose yesterday afternoon in a poor attempt to have a movie in the background as I cleaned the kitchen after my succesful attempt at making orange chicken. The movie started and about 15 minutes into it I was sitting in the couch neglecting the pots and pans that were yelling for soapy water.

If you haven’t seen the movie, it’s is about France’s most popular, and in my opinion most talented singer, Édith Piaf. It’s her life story, told in such a way that nobody was trying to be biased by her amazing talent.

I don’t think she had a good life, she seemed happy for about 2 years of her short 47. She appeared rude, angry, bitter and lonely to me. She had a serious addiction to alcohol and morphine and she had the horrible habit of falling in love with the wrong man.

When I finished the movie I was in tears. Not because she died, the woman didn’t take care of herself and was as stubborn as an ox. I was crying because I was jealous, I was crying because she didn’t have the hope I have, yet she believed in herslef more than I have ever tried to.

I know I just said she had a horrible life, so me being jealous of her makes no sense, but I was jealous because she was amazingly talented, she knew it and she refused to do anything but sing. She started singing at age 9 and she never stopped. She lived a short life but before she died she could have told the world she did what she was supposed to do her whole life.

She was broke and she was singing in street corners living on the coins people thew at her. She was rich and she was singing, surrounded by people that loved and admired her. She was healthy and she sang like there was no tomorrow, like her vocal cords couldn’t feel. She was sick and she kept singing, like her health didn’t matter, like life wasn’t worth living if she wasn’t doing what she was created to do.

I wish I would have met her, if her talent would have been paired not only with tenacity but also with good character I believe she would have been not only one of the greatest singers, but one of the greatest people.

I believe she didn’t die of liver cancer, she died because she was heart broken. Singing was her lover and he departed, he left her the day she decided alcohol and morphine could co-exist with their love for each other. She couldn’t sing anymore, so she gave up, she couldn’t find anything else worth living for.

I know comparisons are odious, but I couldn’t help but compare myself to her. I wish I had her talent, her tenacity, her pain tolerance, her violet blue eyes that spoke beyond words everytime she was singing. She didn’t even know it but she had greater faith than many of us, she knew she was going to make it as a singer, she was singing in street corners and she already knew she was going to be great.

This morning I went to work and I must admit I wanted to quit, drive up to LA with Caleb and knock in every door, yell in every corner, try every thing I could possibly try, not stop! Live on whatever until our passion could pay for our needs. Thank God I have a husband with common sense!

Monday Caleb has his first class, Monday I am sending my school transcripts for validation, and we won’t stop, we won’t relent, we won’t give up; because breathing is not worth it if we are not fulfilling our God given purpose.

What did God create you to do? ask Him if you don't know and go after it. Don't stop even if you hear 25 NO's. Because having tried is better than having to regret.

Every coin has two sides

2009-07-16T14:13:00.000-07:00

When I decided to become an intern in Vegas, one of the first things we did was share our life stories, how we got there, why we are who we are, and what caused the many scars we were desperately hiding. We were all in Arizona, tired and still dirty after showering from our first day, and we started talking about our lives, it was a good couple of nights. We heard about pain, happiness, death, life and every possible color in the rainbow of a lifetime. We stripped of our egos and got rid of the masks we were so used to wearing on our daily lives. It made all of the other interns all the more real to me, all the more lovable, all the more accepted.

As I saw a lot of them for the next year, I could see their life experiences reflected in their daily reactions. Some were guarded and almost abrasive, some were quiet and unbelievably sensitive, some were outspoken and overly confident, some were wise and craving to learn. And all, including me, came running back to the masks we so freely took off that first night. After going back to the masks, after becoming more stubborn than we needed to be, I decided I didn’t understand most of them, and I believe they didn’t understand me either. And like that we coexisted, smiled, and kept moving.

As I look back I see how careless I was with the information they shared with me that first day. I see why they ran to their masks as soon as they realized they were naked. Sure I listened in Arizona, but once in Vegas I never took the time to remember, I never took the time to try and see through their eyes.

It was so easy to focus on what I thought they were doing to me rather than to focus on what we already knew and were in the process of learning. It was so easy to excuse my behavior under the fact that I was foreign, that I was older, that I was loved, that I was hated, that I was spoiled, that I was heart broken. Looking back I realize they never deserved an excuse, but I expected for them to understand all of mine. Looking back I see they taught me more than I wanted to admit, and I am more proud than I want to believe. Looking back I see I loved them but I never showed them properly, so they can go back home and tell that piece of their story where I am one of the cast, and omit my love for them, for there’s no proof.

As I notice my relationships now, and see the relationships of others I wish I could say, I am more fair now, I wish I could say I won’t try an scold you as soon as you do something I view as wrong, I wish I could say I’ve met tons of people who are more reasonable, who don’t jump at your jugular when you hurt them, but instead make an effort to understand, but I can’t.

I am not saying all actions are completely acceptable if the intentions weren’t bad, we all know that’s silly. What I am saying is everyone has a life story, everyone got here after a long trip, and everyone deserves not only to be heard, but for people to attempt at understanding. Maybe after attempting you still want to jump at their jugular, but at least you gave them a chance. I am working on seeing people beyond my interpretation of their actions; I believe we all should be careful to show our love even when others are doing something we don’t necessarily like, and I think we should all be reminded that every coin has two sides.

The truth about my marriage

2009-07-13T13:25:00.000-07:00

I remember when my husband first started talking to me with intentions that went beyond having a casual conversation. If you know my husband he's not precisely the shy type, he's very outspoken, he's funny and he makes friends in every corner. Well with me he was shy, most times he had something important to say he would mumble it, and sunburns are nothing compared to the color of his skin when he finally said he liked me.

Through the whole process I was keeping my family in Colombia very informed. I remember when Caleb said he had tickets to go to Stomp and wanted me to go with him. After doing what all girls do, acting very cool and saying with a false sense of confidence "you didn't have to do that", "that was very thoughtful of you", "thank you". I hung up the phone and freaked out, I didn't know what I was going to wear, I didn't know if I should go, my hair looked like an old wool sweater and I felt like I had chugged 24 red bulls in 15 minutes... so I called my family in Colombia.

We were all yelling on the phone, like I had a curse and he was the key to breaking it. My mom, my sister and I talked about the outfit, we agreed; casual, modest but nice. My dad wanted to know more about him, my brother was confused about what the whole fuzz was about, and I had a smile that looked like it was hurting my ears.

I have been married for a little over a month now, and I still get overly excited when my husband says certain things or does certain other things. But things are not precisely the same. Last week he asked me to go to dinner with him and another couple, and not only did he not have a sudden change of skin tone, or forgot 12 letters of the alphabet; but I must admit I didn't really care to call my parents, I struggled with what to wear only because I always struggle with what to wear, and I was excited but not -24 red bulls in 15 minutes- excited.

I know more and more things will become routine, more and more things will seem normal and casual. I wake up next to him every morning, he doesn't always look perfect anymore, I see him upset, happy, frustrated, mad, exhilatared, down, up and every other possible way.

It is unavoidable to overlook ceratin little things that before seemed huge. It is unavoidable to notice he is not perfect. I'll repeat my statement; I WAKE UP NEXT TO HIM EVERY DAY! He likes to talk as soon as we wake up, I want to cut his throat when he starts the conversation. He puts massive amounts of tabasco in every single edible thing available, I cry when I try his food and my tongue burns for 3 days. He fold his clothes without much thought or consideration, I make them look like they just came out of the store. We are not perfect, he doesn't fit the fairy tale idea of a prince. And trust me; my brunette, short, cranky in the morning, rude when frustrated, self is most definitely not the fairy tale idea of a princess.

We have discovered our faults, we are still in the process of discovering other things that will make the faults list long and tedious to read. But we focus on those things that made us fall in love with each other, we focus on the fact that when we decided to date we both knew, that we knew, that we knew, that we were meant for each other. And every morning after we wake up (and I get over the fact that it's time to leave dream land), we pray together, thank God for each other and make a concious decision to love and accept each other exactly how we are.

Do I hurt my ears smiling like my molars are desperate to be seen all the time? No. Do I feel nervous and does my stomach feel like the residence of 100 drunk oompa loompas that can't stop jumping every time I see him? No. Do I love him with everything in me, and know I am the most blessed woman on earth? Absolutely.

I think you should look at your loved ones today, don't see them for what they are not, for what they used to be, or even for what they are. Look at them knowing that regardless of those things your heart is entirely theirs, and their hearts are hidden in the security of your hands. Look at them and make the decision to love them no matter what, remembering that they too, have made that decision themselves.

Hello fantabolous bed!

2009-07-09T23:38:00.000-07:00

Shoes and clothes have been my obsession since I could mumble "Gucci." I visit Jimmy Choo's website often, I feel like I am cheating on my husband with Christian Louboutins, for I droll over every single one of them, and I want to name my first chil Manolo, ok maybe not that one, but you get my point. Now if that wasn't a big enough of a problem I love skirts, shirts, dresses, shorts, jackets and any other thing I can throw over me. I even love underwear, one of my favorite things to do when I go to Colombia is underwear shopping (I am still feeling the exhilaration of my last trip to touché and I haven't even worn everything I got yet).

Since I’ve been married spending money on clothes does not sound appealing at all, there are other priorities, money is going somewhere else. So I have recently acquired a new obsession; furniture!

My husband and I need a bed, night stands and a few other items, and I have been visiting every possible store looking for the one I want, but I am very money conscious, I have never been in debt, I never buy things I can't afford and I have only borrowed money from family (both times the money was for an emergency). So you can imagine how in my past Louboutins have been replaced for more affordable brands (aka cheap brands), and how right now I am having a hard time with the furniture decision.

The good news: I found the bed that I want, I found the one that I look at and I suddenly go ♫"oooooh my love, my darling, I've hungered for your touch a long, lonely time.... I need your love"♪♫. The bad news: we can’t afford them right now.

So since my song was interrupted by a cruel typhoon of reality, recession, and my newlywed status, I kept looking for a bed that would at least make me go ♪♫"summer lovin' had me a blast"♪. Obviously I found some beds that are nice and way more affordable, I even found one that resembled my love. I think I have visited both beds 10 times, and I think about them every night when I am going to bed and every morning when I wake up (I said it was an obsession).

We have decided never to make rush decisions, so we are taking our time with this one. Well this morning I was looking for my cute gold sandals, and in my quest I ended up running into one of my really nice pair of sandals. I bought them on sale and they still cost me more than I’d like to admit. I remember I got a gift card for my graduation from college and I decided I was going to treat myself, not think about how much things costed but instead how bad I wanted them.

My nice sandals are in pretty good shape, they are still in style, they are beautiful, every time I see them I smile and when I wear them I feel amazing, like I can conquer the world and people are jealous of me. And then I found my gold sandals, they were more affordable, I bought them while I was part of an unpaid internship, they are in ok shape, and quite honestly I really like them, they are easily an 8. But as much as I like them, they don’t make me smile, they are just sandals.

Now before you think I am as superficial and vain as it gets let me explain the conclusion I got to.

I can definitely live with having shoes that are simply shoes and just do their job. Shoes that I wear for a couple of seasons and have to be revisited or worn with a retro outfit. But since my paper/scissors/rock was changed from me/me/me into husband/home/family, I must admit I am not willing to settle with my furniture like I have settled (and will probably keep settling) with my shoes. I will buy my 10, A++, extraordinaire furniture little by little. We will start our bed fund immediately and as soon as the money is there, hello fantabolous bed! And I will do the exact same thing with every single piece of furniture.

See I want to come into my home and feel great, look at it all and think I love it. I want my house to scream "you got what you wanted and I look stunning", rather than "you settled but it’s ok, I am an 8!"

I think we are supposed to get what we want, live how we dreamed we’d live and get our 10, A++, extraordinaire lives. The problem is that we don’t have the patience or persistence to wait for what we want and we end up settling for the next best thing.

Next time you go shopping I encourage you, look at the things you really like, imagine yourself living in the house you really desire, droll over the idea of high ceilings and a big kitchen with 2 islands and the perfect dish washer, close you eyes and smile as your picture yourself taking a bath in a humongous hot tub in your gigantic bathroom with clear ceilings that lets the sun rays come in in the morning and warm your skin. Be a dream glutton, go overboard, write down what you want and then, then.... don’t buy a thing, go home, look at your budget and set aside a monthly amount to be able to get there. I believe that if we are persistent and patient, sooner than later we will be sleeping in our dream bed, inside our dream room, that is part of our dream house.

Budgets, bills and money tracking

2009-07-08T11:02:00.000-07:00

I have been handling my own money for the last 3 years, paying my own bills, taking care of my savings and making sure I have everything in order. When Caleb and I were going to pre-marital counseling we had to talk about finances. We had already had some conversations and after talking to our marvelous counselors Ben and Katie, we decided that at the beginning of our marriage I was going to manage the finances.

I had a budget set for myself and it was working quite nicely, I was saving 10% of all of my income every month and I was paying all my bills on time not even having to worry about it. I had everything set up to come out of my bank account on the last 5 days of the month. Sure I wasn't indulging, and I had to turn down my friends when they were going to dinner or lunch, but I had a decent savings account (that came in very handy when I realized I had to pay $7500 to my immigration lawyer)

Well, here comes my husband with a whole bunch of new bills, a plethora of new needs for our budget and a new list of accounts for me to handle. He has been wonderful and has been helping me organize all of the craziness but we are still trying to determine how we are going to manage certain things in our budget, where to allocate certain money, and which accounts to close.

If you know me, you know I like things very organized, I like different color post its for different messages to remember, the container store is one of my favorite places and I like my clothes to be organized by type and color (I am still working on that at the new place).

So when the whole financial insanity fell on my lap I wanted everything to be perfectly organized, I tried a lot of things and then I realized I was not going to be able to do it alone. Before Caleb I was using an application that was working nicely but now it's actually not. So I started doing research and I found a few applications that I thought were wonderful and have helped me in my vast task.

Here is a list of the best applications for budgets and money managing I've found. Take a look at them, use the ones that accomodates to your needs and relax knowing your money is going where it is supposed to go, your bills are being paid and you are saving as much as you can.

Mint.com - This is the application I was using before I got married. It is a very good personal finance application. It worked wonderfully for me until I added a few things. I don't know, I think it just got confusing when I tried to add new things, but it helped me save money, it sent me alerts when I was going to go over budget, and it gave me ways to save, so Mint.com worked pretty well for me. I didn't have an iPhone before so I really couldn't access their mobile site but I do now, so I might try to start over with Mint.com.
IsDueOn - If you pay your bills by check, if you like to know to know when your money is coming out of your account, or you simply don't want to set up authomatic withdrawals. This application will help you remember when your bills are due -obviously-
Buxfer – I am just trying out Buxfer, but so far I am loving it. It is very user friendly, super easy to understand and it has a very nice application for iPhone. Now my hubby doesn't have an iPhone yet but with buxfer you can text your transactions, so we are both on the same page.
Quicken – Probably the most popular money management application, Quicken seems to be the simplest way to manage your money. I haven't used it but I foun an article that compares it to Mint.com so if you are interested here it is.

Well, that's all I have, if you know of any applications I should know about please feel free to share.

Go for it

2009-07-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

My husband and I have many plans for our future, we talk about where we want to be in a few years and we talk about dreams all the time. It’s very exciting for us but at the same time it is a little intimidating.

Before we got married we were talking about some of the dreams he has had since he was 19 years old, I love all of his dreams and they have now become my own, so we were dreaming together and he admitted it was hard to talk about them and now 9 years have passed by and he still hasn’t seen them come to pass.

Now that we got the wedding out of the way, we have tried to focus more and more in our dreams and how to fulfill them, and lately we have found ourselves not really knowing what to do, we dream so big that it seems like seeing our dreams fulfilled is going to be an impossibility.

Before we got completely discouraged, we decided to take a few steps back and think about small steps towards the fulfillment of our dreams. We came up with an initial idea and we googled what we needed to do fulfill the small dream.

My husband and I started talking and we realized that the reason why many of our dreams have been on hold for so long is because we got overwhelmed with the big picture and decided not to move. But when you dissect your dream, your plan, your year, your life and look at it one day at a time you realize you don’t have to put anything on hold, you can start walking in the direction of your dreams today, better yet, not only can you walk in that direction, you should.

Later this week my husband and I are going to meet up with some people that will help us with the first step of many many steps, and we don’t feel overwhelmed, we are not wanting to quit. Quite the opposite, we are excited and ready to see what comes out of this meeting.

Dreams are not impossible to achieve, whatever is inside of us that we desire with all of our hearts is not there just to make us smile or cry when we look at our life. I believe that God put those desires in our hearts and He wants for us to see our dreams become a reality. The problem is we get too overwhelmed by the size of our dreams, or too busy with a life that’s not even worth living if it’s not trying to fulfill our purpose, and we quit on our heart’s desires.

My husband and I have decided to go for it, we know that the chances of us failing are big, but we also know that whether we fail or we succeed, we will be able to look back at our lives and tell our grandchildren we lived the best life possible.

Dream, look at the big picture, don’t get overwhelmed, think of a small step towards that big picture, then think of a smaller step inside that small step and go for it!

4 weeks ago, I was getting married!

2009-07-04T16:03:00.000-07:00

I got married on a Saturday 4 weeks ago and I have loved every minute of having my soul mate go to bed next to me and wake up right there, in the exact same place.

Without effort, my husband has shown me things I don’t necessarily like about myself, he has challenged me in many areas and he has shown me love in many different ways.

Today I decided to write about the top 10 things I have discovered about marriage.

I am not a one man show anymore, all decisions, no matter how small have to be communicated.
My husband does not read my mind, no matter how hard I try to send the message telepathically, or how obvious I think my message is. He needs for me to tell him as clearly as possible.
Laughing about everything, literally everything, and being silly together is almost necessary.
Dreaming together is the most fun thing we can do.
Not all advice we’ve gotten has applied to me and my husband, some advice works for other couples but not for us, and that is completely ok.
Somethings are not worth arguing about.
Sharing interests is great, but having different ones we get to teach or learn is just as good.
Sometimes I have to do things I don’t care for, try spicy food I don’t like, listen to rap, or watch a silly movie I would have never picked, and I enjoy it because it makes him happy.
Being right is not important.
Praying together daily makes us feel closer together

I am really excited about all the things I still have to learn and about re-learning all this things daily.

Don't take yourself so seriously

2009-07-03T10:09:00.000-07:00

So I got married a month ago now and everything was wonderful, I couldn't have asked for a better wedding, and I couldn't have gotten a better husband.

If you have ever met an engaged couple you know they have a hard time keeping quiet their excitement, me and my husband weren't the exception to that rule, heck we gave a new meaning to it. We told everyone we knew and even people we didn't know we were getting married, we talked about our wedding, our plans, our ideas and we were having serious difficulties trying to have normal conversations without relating everything to the wedding or a variation of it. We were so excited and happy we found each other, we just couldn't keep it to ourselves.

We got married in Colombia so most of the people we know from the states couldn't attend. We were sad that a lot of the people we love and care for were not going to be there, but we knew it was unavoidable.

Well I am going to get real honest here, so before you get offended or think I have serious issues with my self esteem promise you'll read all the way to the end.

The majority of the people here in the states didn't congratulate us (remember you promised). I have to be completely honest with you, we actually felt sad that we didn't hear from some people, quite honestly I was expecting to have a few voice mails and maybe a card or two saying how happy people were for us, and why not maybe a few emails? Well, we did get the voice mails, from my immigration lawyer asking for some paper work.

Now there were people that were there and made sure they demonstrated their love and excitement for us, but there were so many people we didn’t hear from we honestly felt a little unloved. Please understand I am not talking about presents, God blessed us both with amazing parents that made sure we had everything we needed and on top of that there were many gifts from people in Colombia and a few here in the states. Even if we wouldn’t have gotten anything that is not what we cared about, we wanted an email saying “I am happy for you”.

So almost 4 weeks into being a wifey I decided to get over this whole craziness. I started thinking about why it affected me so much that people failed to say congratulations and then out of nowhere I ended up reading a very appropriate quote “Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.”

The quote made me think about many things and many situations, and amongst all of those, the people I was "mad" at came to mind. My whole outlook on the situation instantly changed, I realized people are busy, they have their own lives and I shouldn’t need a reassuring word about my wedding to know they care for me and they would be there if I really needed them. As I started thinking about those people that I really missed I realized I haven’t been there for all of their happy times, I have "failed" them. But I have surely showed up when they were down and needed a hand or a shoulder to cry on.

I decided to send them messages and tell them I loved them, ask how things were going, and I told them how my wedding went, I told them I knew they were there for me and I didn’t let the lack of a silly note affect my relationship with them. I decided to focus on the ones that did say congratulations and I started working on a special thank you card, and I didn't allow for bitterness to start growing in my heart.

Sometimes we give small things too much importance, sometimes we allow for the smallest of issues to destroy relationships or affect our mood, and every time that happens I can guarantee we have been just wasting our time, our energy and probably losing a good friend.

Think about why you are mad at the people you are mad at, I am sure most things can be resolved, I know some of the things you are mad about are not important and I am certain there are some you can’t even remember. Get over your own pride today and give them a call or send them a message, you will feel really great afterwards.

Going downhill

2009-07-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

I have been working at the same place for the last 9 months, and before I left to go to Colombia I had my job down, I knew what I had to, how long it took me to do it, I knew where all documents where and how everything worked. Well when I came back my boss asked me if we could have a talk. I figured he was either going to fire me or ask for more commitment since in the 10 monthsI have been working here I’ve taken 3 international trips and a few national ones.

To my surprise my boss asked me if I wanted to be the administrative director. After trying to think through what that meant for a few minutes I asked what the new job description entailed. My prepared boss gave a printed job description and I realized that half of the things in that sheet I am already doing, the other half I was partially helping him with and a few more I could take care of (yeah, I know that is more than 100%).

So, I took the offer and you know how it goes, the job description did not mention 45 things that are your responsibility as well and you have to go ahead and figure out. I got to work Monday knowing I had to do a lot of things and prepare for the end of the month, and I started working on all the things I already knew how to do, I worked on those things I was comfortable with trying to get the most accomplished at the beginning of the week. Monday ran smoothly and went by really quick.

Tuesday rolled around and it was pretty much the same thing as Monday. But then Wednesday came and it was July 1st and all the tasks that I had been dreading had to get done, so I was running around like crazy, trying to understand things, get things done and asking more questions than it can be fun to answer.

Well I came to work today with a new plan, I was going to get all those things I didn’t really want to work on done first thing, and then I was going to work on the “easy stuff” after, even if tat meant that today only two things would get done. To my absolute excitement today was an awesome day, it felt like I was going downhill and I got more things done than I was expecting; which means tomorrow I will be at work for just a few hours.

I learned that as much as it seemes easier to leave the things we are not excited about, or those that seem harder for the end, in reality the easier thing to do is to tackle the big man first, go for the big, difficult, unpleasant tasks first. Truth is you’ll have to do it regardless, you might as well get it out of the way as soon as possible.

I keep doing the dishes

2009-03-10T15:24:00.001-07:00

I live with two really cool girls; they are pretty much exactly what I needed right before jumping into living with a husband. I’ve been living with them for a while now and I noticed that we all do dishes all the time.

I got home a couple nights ago and I saw a pile of dishes, I thought that was crazy since I remembered Lauren did dishes the day before. I did the dishes and to my surprise the next day there were dishes again. Doing dishes is like a never ending task.

This morning I woke up and did some dishes, then I put them all away and I got hungry, I was craving white rice with eggs (if you are Colombian you understand this). I really didn’t want to have new dirty dishes as I had just gotten done with the ones from last night, but I was hungry so I decided to start cooking.

I made my white rice, followed Grandma’s tips for great white rice, made my eggs and served everything in a plate. It was yummy I must admit, I loved every second of it. I took a shower, moved the couch, did my bed, organized my room and then I walked into the kitchen and saw my mess; I saw all the dishes from breakfast.

I honestly don’t even hate doing dishes; it just got me thinking. I decided to do my hair and leave the dishes for tonight. So later today I’ll be doing dishes unless one of my roommates beats me to it.

I was thinking about it and I realized doing the dishes is the price you have to pay if you want a good homemade meal. Sure you can go to a restaurant and get great food while avoiding the dishes, but you are missing the homemade taste that everyone craves.

Well I realized it’s always like that, you know certain things will happen when you do certain other things. There are consequences to your actions and most times you know exactly what those consequences will be. You have to determine if getting whatever it is that you want is worth dealing with the consequences. You have to determine if it’s worth dealing with the dishes.

I am sitting here, thinking about my dishes back at home and I am being challenged, I am thinking about the many things I’d rather not do because whatever it is that I get out of it is not worth dealing with the consequences. There are some meals that are really good, but they are simply not worth spending 20 minutes washing the dishes; some meals that are amazing but will simply give me a bellyache and make the dish washing a pain.

Furthermore I am thinking about those dishes I am willing to wash, those consequences I am willing to live with because the meal I’ll get is too tasty to miss. Is there something you want so badly you are willing to “wash dishes” for a long time? Or is the idea of “doing dishes” too annoying for you to go for that meal you really want?

I don’t want to find myself doing dishes for meals I don’t love but that seemed to make less of a mess, instead of doing butt loads of dishes for that one meal I wanted more than anything else. I encourage you to weight the meals, weight the dishes and go for that one meal you really really want, after all there is nothing better than a good homemade meal.

If you are not part of the solution...

2009-02-19T23:39:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Joanna and I am a complainer (yeah I know I belong to too many ______ anonymous, for more addictions click here). I complain a lot, I don't know why but I just do. I believe complaining is just a habit. Look around you; we complain about everything, it is like we are conditioned to complain. I believe that, like every habit, complaining can be stopped.

As soon as you accept there is something to complain about, and you let people know you want to complain about it to let it out of your system; then you let it go, you get over it and you move on with your complainers identity. The problem is that we tend to deny we are complaining, we don’t accept whatever it is that is causing to complain bothers us and we never stop complaining. Has someone ever told you to stop complaining? What is your immediate response? I’ll tell you mine “I am not complaining, I am just pointing out a fact”.

Well I have decided to accept my identity, ladies and gentleman I am a complainer and I am proud of it. I can tell you however I am not pleased with the way I lead this part of my personality.

Once you embrace your complainer’s identity, then you can start looking for solutions. I have a pet peeve (well, in reality I have like a thousand, but that is my dysfunction, let me deal with it); I can’t stand it when people criticize my work but don’t tell me how I can fix it. It makes me feel they are saying something just to point out I suck, but not to help me be better. I don't need anyone telling me I suck, thankyouverymuch!

Whatever makes you complain, find a solution. If you are not giving a solution, you are just part of the problem, and then people will start complaining about you, and you would appreciate for them to give you a solution instead of just pointing out you are a pain in the butt right? so do to other what you'd like for them to do to you.

As much as complaining seems like a relief, it is annoying. So I have decided to change my habit of complaining for the sake of complaining, to complaining with a purpose. I am not a recovering complainer, I am a new brand of complainer (I've created a club yay! it's CWAP, Complainers With A Purpose) . I have decided to take responsibility, know that I can be part of the solution and not the problem and start embracing my CWAP identity.

Everything we complain about, is something we dislike; therefore it is something we can change, because we can either picture it being better, or we have experienced it being better. Complaining for the sake of complaining makes us unbearable critical whiners. CWAP makes us awesome critical problem solvers.

Is the solution usually uncomfortable? Absolutely, Is fixing things always a lot of work and a pain? definitely. But if you decided to not go through the discomfort you can’t complain, you have chosen to deal with the problem in a different way, you have decided to let it be the way it is, so suck it up and live with it!

If we keep complaining we might get some sympathy from a couple people, but if we start finding solutions then we will feel accomplished, we might even come up with a solution for something many people disliked, and make some money patenting an idea! I like feeling accomplished much more than getting some pity sympathy, so for the complainers of the world, join CWAP and make my first club a popular one.

Divorce is not an option

2009-02-16T11:30:00.000-08:00

When I graduated high school I decided on a university pretty quick, I knew were I wanted to go, and I knew there wasn’t any other place I would want to be in. I applied, nervously checked online to see if they had approved me and to my excitement I was in!!

Most of my friends went to different schools, some of them even went together to schools that were not the one I was in, but there was one girl that decided to attend my same university.

We weren’t the closest of friends, but there would be occasional conversations, she would be at the same parties I was, we shared friends, but we weren’t “best friends”. Given the new circumstances we got closer, we started hanging out more and we got in trouble a couple of times. I even remember one Tuesday night we were really really late, I was 17 still and I was driving like a mad woman because my Mom was going to kill me (I didn’t even call to say I was going to be late and I was nervous so I turned my cell off). Suddenly there was a big dent in the floor, I didn’t have time to avoid it and we hit it… well I destroyed both my right tires and my axes… so now we were really in trouble, at this point we just started laughing.

Well, my friend and I haven’t spoken in over 7 years, we had such good times and we shared so much in such little time, it’s crazy to think that all of sudden over silliness we simply stopped being friends.

“The things that separate man from God are the same things that separate man from man”

To make a long story short, I had a boyfriend, and my new girlfriend started flirting with him, she knew we were “together”, yet she made a couple of decisions that made it look as though she didn’t know. She kissed him one day and when I heard about it, that was it. I never talked to her again.

About a year ago I emailed her to see how she was doing and to apologize for never even attempting to hear her side of the story, apologize for allowing something that could have been fixed to get in between us. She never got back to me, but I believe I will be able to talk to her someday. It’s funny to me that what could have been resolved over coffee during an honest conversation became a huge deal as my jealousy didn’t let me think straight.

I am not saying what she did was fine, I am not condoning her behaviour, trust me, I know it was wrong. But quite honestly I’ve made mistakes before too (in different areas, but mistakes still), and some of my friends have been so gracious as to give me a chance to explain and they have forgiven me.

I believe all relationships can be fixed, all friendships can last forever, love never dies. Maybe I am a hopeless romantic but I believe the problem is our own ego, not really whatever happened between you and the other person. Our envy, jealousy, vanity, rage, disable our ability to make conscious decisions. If we were able to renounce to those emotions, if we could just stop thinking we are so special that everyone needs to be perfect around us and ask for forgiveness, if we could let our pride die, I believe relationships would be forever.

I am not sure if you have been able to talk to a divorced couple, I have, and every time you can find a point of no return. A point where egos where hurt so bad, pride rose so high, pain was so unbearable they had to simply call it quits. But you can also find a point where they could have humbled themselves, asked for forgiveness and start the path of restoration.

I am getting married in 110 days and I pray God will allow for me to humble myself over and over again because divorce is not an option for me.

How to look 15 at 24

2009-01-06T15:47:00.000-08:00

I was once a college girl, I started going to college at age 17 and for the first couple semesters I made sure I was having "fun". Our weekends started on Tuesdays and ended Sunday morning. I don’t even know how we managed to keep up since none of us got kicked out of school; we kept our grades up enough to stay in...looking back I must say I am impressed.

By our 4th or 5th semester we were done, we couldn’t really keep up anymore and we started shifting our weekend craziness to occasional Saturdays only. The rest of my carreer I was more concerned about graduating than I was about my social life, so my weekends were spent either studying, at dinner with friends, with family or watching movies.

I've been out of college for a couple years now, I did an internship last year and things were... well, different. Now I was home early, unless I had to work, and I rarely went out past 1am (by rarely I mean it happened probably twice). I was focused on getting the internship done with excellence, learning as much as possible and making great connections. And I got used to my life style.

To be entirely honest with you I have more fun now with a more laid back life style than I ever did at the beginning of college. It was a good time but I made so many mistakes that I wouldn't go back even if I got paid to do so. I had my two years of craziness and I am done for life with it.

Usually people say I look way younger than 26, and God knows I love every single person that has said that, I remember one time I met a girl and when she asked me my age I told her she should guess and she guesed 15, I was 24 at the time! Honestly it doesn't really bother me, quite the opposite I love it. I have to say that as much as some of that I will attribute to genes, a lot of it has to do with my new life style.

I believe your life style shows in the way you look, sure you might think that you are having a blast but the bags under your eyes are not really agreeing with that story. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying drinking, partying, smoking, getting stressed, sleeping around, eating unhealthy food, and not exercising are bad for you.... wait a minute, I AM!

I think that having a bad life and looking for fun has become so popular, so lucrative, that it became almost a sin to talk against those things. I believe in taking care of yourself, I believe in being moderate and having fun in healthy ways.

So from someone that lived the "fun" life, has friends still living the "fun" life and is now entirely satisfied with a more moderate, real fun way of living. Believe me, the cell killing, the risk taking, the not caring, is the furthest thing from fun.

I am happy

2009-01-05T14:03:00.000-08:00

I think irony is a funny thing. Last year I was all by myself for the holidays, I was wandering the city where people go to smile, have fun, and make mistakes; trying to be good, get my life together and not break down from the loneliness. I had a lot of time through the holidays to think, pray, dream, talk to myself, talk to God, cry, laugh, watch movies, do nothing... I just had time, but I wasn't precisely overjoyed, I was alone, I felt more alone than I had ever felt before.

This year the scenario was quite different; my sister and brother came from Colombia to spend the holidays with me, and then there is the groom to be. I was not alone in 2008 for the holidays, but I hadn't had time to even call people I love and say Merry Christmas, I haven't had time to write (which seems to be the catalyst of my stress, it keeps it in order), I haven't even slept for more than 5 hrs in about 4 weeks.

I was thinking about my last two holiday seasons and I thought it was funny how I just can't seem to find a balance. I loved having my siblings with me, I loved having someone to kiss when the clock hit 12 on New Year's Eve; but I think I am starting to miss having time.

I wouldn’t trade this year’s holidays for last year’s, not for a million dollars; but I just found it interesting that life will never be entirely how you want it to be, it will never be perfect.

My siblings left already, and the groom to be happens to be in Vegas, I am still organizing everything from the holidays and this morning when I woke up as I was laying on my bed I thought, wow I really have it all. Sure there are things that frustrate me, sure there are situations I’d rather not be in, things I would rather have some other way, but all in all I have decided I am happy.

See next year something different will come up, next year my situation will be different and I am sure it will bring joy and frustration; but regardless of how it looks like I have made the decision to be happy and grateful.

She is a good person

2008-12-06T13:53:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a friend recently and we were reminded of this girl who wasn’t all that nice to me in the past. We were not talking bad about her, we were just remembering the things she did and we were wondering why on earth she would do those things.

At one point in the conversation I said she is a good person it is just that she gets influenced by other people and she hears half stories so she makes a wrong assessment of situations. My friend started laughing and said “Jo, everyone is a good, that doesn’t mean they are a good person”. I agreed and we started talking about something different.

I was thinking about what my friend said and it applies to everything. My dad used to say it to me; “I am doing this because I want to be a good dad, not a dad that is good” See, a dad that is good would do things that will make his kids smile for the next couple of hours, but a good dad will make a decision that will hurt them in the present because it will benefit them for life.

A good dad will say no to partying at 16, dating before his kids are ready to date and wearing things that are simply not appropriate. A dad that is good will take their kids to the party, making sure people there are good, will let them date with some rules because that'll make them happy, and will let them express their individuality through clothes because he wants them to say he is the coolest dad on earth. An those are shallow examples of what a good dad would do vs. what a dad that is good would do, think about major things and their consequences.

As I said before I believe we have a good nature, I don't think it comes naturally for us to hurt people, so in that sense it is true everyone is good. The problem comes when you are not satisfied being a person that is good but instead you want to be a good person.

I think that being a person that is a good is a decision, a decision were we have to let go of our own agenda, our own selfishness and do what is right even when that what is right doesn't make us look good, or doesn't feel all that great. See a person that is good will tell you that dress looks great on you not to hurt your feelings, but a good person will let you know that is not the most flattering dress. It is more important to not make you look like a fool than to keep you smiling.

The only reason why we settle with our good nature is because we put our own comfort first. It's a matter of selfishness. If we do what a good person would do we have to come to the realization that life is not only about us, actually most of time life is not about us at all.

I want to be a person that is good. I know that means I have to say things I probably won't be all that stoked to say, I have to do things that might make me look like I have no idea what I am doing, and I have to respond to things in a way that may shock others. But at the end of the day I won't be responding solely to my nature, I will be going beyond that and I will become a good person.

My wrinkly face at 40

2008-12-02T15:36:00.000-08:00

Last night I got home and I was exhausted, I usually am. I leave my house around 8am every morning and then I come back at different times but never before 9pm; some days way past 12am. I am never partying or anything like that, I am always working. I love working so it's great but it is definitely exhausting.

Most nights I get home, I go straight to my room, drop all my bags and boxes and whatever is on my hands, and then I plug my computer to keep working on different things. By the time I am done it is usually pretty late and I am really really tired.

Last night wasn’t an exception, I worked for hours and then when it was time to get ready for bed I did what I always do; I complained about how much I hate washing my face. Every night I go in the bathroom, look at myself in the mirror, play with my hair, brush my teeth, and then when I have to wash my face I start getting an attitude. It’s like my empty bathroom and room are going to hear all of my complaining and will comfort me as I have to deal with the horrid reality: it’s time to wash my face!

So, I was standing in front of the mirror, putting my head band on and I went into my room because I got a text message. Once I sat down in my bed it was all over, I really didn’t want to get back up to wash my face. I was lying on my bed, wishing there were little mechanic things that would crawl on me to clean my face. I was thinking how creepy and cool that would be, and then I started having a conversation with myself about the benefits of going to bed right then and there vs. the benefits of washing my face. As soon as I thought of myself as a wrinkled, ugly looking 40 year old I got up and washed my face thoroughly. Then I went to bed with a clean face and a big smile.

Ok, as much as my story points out how incredibly vain I am, It also showed me that thinking about right now, about today won’t really cause for me to do anything. If I think about my future, where I want to be, how I want to look, what I want to achieve; then the sole idea of getting there, being that, looking like that, will cause for me to do something.

I was thinking further about it and it is the exact same way for everything in life, you don’t really go to school because you love sitting in front of an annoying teacher (granted some are cool) for hours listening to things you, most likely, won’t be using in your professional life. You go to school because you are thinking about your future. You don’t really get a job so you can spend your time doing something more productive than watching tv or shopping (I would much rather shop than do almost anything else). You get a job because you want to build a résumé, a career, a decent looking bank account and therefore a future.

When I was lying in bed with a dirty face I was enjoying every minute of it. I was loving being there and I really didn’t want to move one inch. But the thought of a future of wrinkles and bad skin made me move. Not only did the thought make me move, it changed my attitude. I wasn’t all that upset about having to wash my face anymore because I knew it didn’t mean I wasn’t going to be in bed right away, instead it meant I was going to look 35 at 45 (or at least that is what I am hoping for!)

So next time you find me not wanting to do something that is good for me because it’s not convenient right now, refer to the image of my wrinkly face at 40 and I will get it done.

Things I learned from being an exile

2008-11-29T16:20:00.000-08:00

Ok, fine I am not necessarily an exile but it sounds cooler than things I learned from being away from home. So for the purpose of this blog just let me be an exile.

Being away has been a great experience, I've gone through my ups and downs. For the first 2 and a half years I wished I was back home, with my family, not having to worry about anything. But lately I am loving being away, don't get me wrong I miss them like crazy and I will take every opportunity I get to go visit, but I love being by myself, learning about life and about me.

Mom's are awesome, they should all be canonized because what they do is honestly as close as a miracle as you can get
Dad's rock too and they should be given more credit than they actually are
Family is really more important than almost everything
You don't have as many friends as you thought you did
Cooking is not as hard as it looks
Cleaning is harder than it looks
Growing up is bitter, and then it is also sweet
Living is expensive
I know nothing
Most people know nothing, just like me
Peace and love are far important than money (I don't have any money so maybe that is why I feel that way ha)
If you don't make an effort to not be alone you'll end up lonely and bitter
Cultivating long distance relationships takes 4 times the effort of not long distance ones.
I love my sister and my brother more than I thought I could love someone
I am really clueless and I thought I knew more things than what I actually know
Home will always be where I grew up

Mistakes and the mistaken

2008-11-26T09:06:00.000-08:00

You know those kinds of mistakes that you are embarrassed to tell? The kind of mistakes that you wish you could erase from your record? those things you've done and when you think about them you even blush and can't believe you did them? I have made those kinds of mistakes in my past. There are many things I wish I wouldn’t have done, many conversations I wish I wouldn’t have had, many people I wish I wouldn’t have given my attention to, but I did what I did and now I am here.

Mistakes are unavoidable; we all have them in our record, they are part of our story. Maybe people haven’t heard about your mistakes but that doesn’t change the fact that you have made them. Just as a side note, eventually people will hear about them, the sooner you deal with them the better.

Someone I care for made a mistake recently, he’s deeply sorry he did what he did, he wishes he wouldn’t have done what he did, but no matter how bad he feels he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. Oh growing up and owning up to what you do!

I was talking to him a couple days ago and he said he was willing to do anything to fix what he broke. He is really sorry and he's trying to become a better person through this whole mess. Right now the only thing he can do is wait and learn from what he did; and he has been waiting patiently, being respectful, trying to take responsibility for his actions, learning from what he did, trying to become a better person; and I found that admirable.

See my friend could have made up a thousand and four excuses regarding what he did. He could have told someone made him do it, he could have said his parents hit him when he was little and now he makes mistakes, he could have come up with a good story about how he tripped but in reality it wasn’t his fault, he could have said anything; but he didn’t, he owned his mistake and he is now deeply sorry but he’s learned a lot.

What matters far more than the fact that someone has made a mistake is what they do about it. I said it before, mistakes are unavoidable, but however you react when you make a mistake is really what speaks volumes of your character and the kind of person you are.

I believe that as we take responsibility for the things we’ve done wrong and we make an honest effort to never make that mistake again, we grow more than we can grow in any personal development seminar. It is not only saying I am sorry I made a mistake that makes a difference, it is standing from where we have fallen, starting over and making sure we are not bringing the junk we had before as we start climbing back up.

Slip-ups suck, I am not going to say I look forward to my next mistake. Those who know me know I have a hard time saying I am sorry and it has been a long process for me to make peace with the fact that I am not perfect, nor is anybody expecting me to be. But if it wasn’t for the slip-ups of my past I would have never learned I am proud, and I need to change, I am vain beyond measure and I need to keep a balance, I am selfish and I have to learn to see other’s needs.

Being at fault is horrible, but everything bad has a beauty to it. Mistakes allow for you to start over, to clean up, to check yourself and realize there are some things in your life you were overlooking but need attention. If you handle them properly they humble you, they make you stronger, better, wiser; they take you a tep closer to that perfection you'll never reach.

Mistakes hurt so bad, I used to say I wish I never made a mistake ever again. Now, I have to say "I pray next time I am mistaken I have the maturity and humbleness to handle my mistake the proper way".

I have a bad reputation

2008-11-23T09:59:00.000-08:00

I met someone a couple weeks ago, he really had no desire to talk to me, he admitted to that later in the conversation. I could actually feel his repulsion but I am very social, and I was on a mission, so I kept talking to him even feeling he wasn’t one bit interested.

After he listened to me for a bit he started being more and more interested and suddenly he started laughing. I thought he was special but then again I was on a mission, so I overlooked his specialness. He decided to explain he was laughing because he had heard about me, and by talking to me he realized what he had been told was not true and he was kind of embarrassed about the way he was acting when we were first introduced.

When they said, this is Jo he rolled his eyes in his mind, he already had a mental image of me and he wasn’t one bit interested in getting to know me; the picture he had was not the prettiest one. He had been told bad things about me and since the people who said those things seemed nice to him, well, he believed them.

We talked for a little bit and soon he realized I wasn’t what he had been told I was. In fact I was pretty amazing, and the coolest person he had ever met; ok I am exaggerating, he just thought I was nice and interesting, and he seemed shocked I wasn’t stupid. He didn’t tell me all the things he was told about me, but he did say I wasn’t at all like the people said I was. I took that as a compliment.

When I heard I had been given an unjust bad reputation I wondered why people would say to others what they said, that is mean. I was trying to justify what they were saying about me, and I decided to conclude I probably said something insanely stupid around them sometime and they decided to make an assessment of me based on that (even though the people that decided to give me a bad reputation were around me for an elongated period of time and had several conversations with me, but whatever).

I have done it before you know; say things about people based solely in one conversation, one interaction, one day. It is so unfair, even if your idea of someone is based on 100 days, 100 interactions, 100 conversations; you should let others make their own mind regarding people. It is difficult to meet people, add to that a preconceived negative image of the one you are meeting and you are making it nearly impossible to build a relationship.

People’s reputation is priceless, you can’t really gamble with it. Reputation is something you have to deal with for a lifetime, as soon as you are labeled a bad apple it is hard for people to see you as a good one. Go ahead and ask Jim Bakker, or Mike Tyson about that. I was lucky the person I met was kind enough to give me a chance, but in general once you have a bad reputation with someone, it will stay that way for a long time. In fact, I kind of have the feeling he will be cautious with me for a while because in the back of his mind I am those things that were said about me.

Fortunately a reputation is more dependant on what you do than what people say about you. That doesn’t change the fact that we should watch our mouth when we talk about people as a reputation is, in many cases, the key that opens and closes doors in our lives. A poor reputation, despite great credentials and an astounding resume, is more than enough to close doors with a 50 pound lock and a 250 pound guard in front of it.

The thing about damaging people’s reputation by saying things you are not to say is that you end up damaging your reputation a lot more than you damage theirs. I know that the person I met is now going to be more careful with whatever he hears from the people that decided to give me a bad reputation. I know he will be cautious about what he says around them, because we all know those who say bad things about others, will say bad things about us.

Guarding other’s reputation should be at the top of our mind when we speak, if we live by the old saying don’t do to other’s what you wouldn’t want other’s to do to you then we will never say things that may harm the idea someone has of somebody else.

Our good nature

2008-11-21T12:23:00.000-08:00

I was reading a book by Donald Miller a couple months ago and I remember reading about a conversation that he was having with a friend regarding human nature. They were asking each other if a child was to be left alone, growing up, doing his own thing, would he end up being a good person. They agreed the child wouldn’t.

Last week I was talking to my dad and Caleb about that, and we all agreed we disagree with them. Sure if you leave a child alone in the middle of LA or New York he’ll end up doing bad things, he needs to survive. But if you leave him alone in a perfect environment he won’t end up doing bad things. Now we all know there is no such place as a perfect environment where a child can grow on his own, But definitely what makes a child turn “bad” is his environment, not his nature.

Sure we make mistakes, mistakes are unavoidable, so I will keep making them no matter how much I would like to be perfect. But it is the knowing that I don’t have a bad nature what has made a difference in my view of my own mistakes. My nature is to be good, so a mistake is just that, a mistake, it is not a deliberate decision to hurt people.

I have a recent acquaintance in my life; for a while there I didn’t like him. He usually assumes people are out there trying to hurt him, trying to get him. I haven’t really heard him say anything good about a person if it is not accompanied by something negative; “yeah he is a nice guy, but he is a slacker”, “sure she gets the job done, but she is dishonest”. I really didn’t like listening to him complain about everybody else, it was like he had goggles that impaired him from seeing good in people.

Someone I know made a mistake, I believe it was an honest mistake, and my acquaintance had to know about it. I really don’t think it was a big deal, things happen and what he did was just overlooking something that probably needed more attention, but honestly it wasn’t the end of the world.

Due to my acquaintance’s goggles, he assumed this person made the mistake on purpose. It is like he expects for people to be perfect, infallible. Every mistake made around him is treated like it is the end of the world, it is treated like whoever made the mistake is a horrible person for tripping.

I was sitting there listening to them talk about it and I realized my acquaintance too is a good person, just like everyone is. He has a tough job, he has to tell people they have made mistakes, and in a way he has to fix them. I believe having his job has led him to believe people make mistakes for simple fun. He is around mistakes so much, he thinks people don’t make honest mistakes; they make them to hurt others in general, him in particular.

When the expectation of you is perfection, any and all mistakes are perceived as negligence. If he made an honest mistake he’s just human, but if it was negligence we have a character flaw. The difference is enormous; it is the difference between being “good” and being “bad”.

Sitting there, listening at all the things that went on, listening at my acquaintance trying to prove he was bad, I got mad at him. He was attacking someone else’s reputation, someone else's character. Because he has been hurt before he decided to assume this person is bad and he thinks all people are out to get him. But after a few minutes, after I realized my acquaintance is as good as everyone else is, I felt sorry for him; I felt sorry because he can’t see we are all good.

My acquaintance is a good person, the person that made the mistake is too, but they both were perceived as bad for a second. My acquaintance was perceived as bad by me, the other person by my acquaintance. I had to wonder how many times I’ve judged someone and I have written them off as bad without giving them a chance of being good, without first remembering they are good in the first place, it is their nature.

Don’t assume I am naïve, I don’t think all people are always good, I know people make decisions knowing the consequences of such decisions are going to harm, affect, trouble or even kill others. But I also know humans have a good nature, not in vain did God say "it is good" when he created Adam. Once again, what is bad is our environment. I have decided to give people a chance, remember we are all good in nature, and pray for those who, like my acquaintance, have on goggles that impede proper vision.

Gas prices apologia

2008-11-19T15:10:00.001-08:00

I filled up my tank last night, after months of paying over $40.00 for my cute little Scion XA to get a full tank, last night I paid a very exciting $22.00. I was happy when I saw the amount I was paying, heck I was overjoyed. I almost tipped the guy an extra $18.00 because I felt weird paying almost half the usual amount.

I usually fill up my tank every week; that is a lot of money if you multiply by 52 weeks a year, and my car is cheap! And then add to that the fact that I have been going out of town often and you get 5 to 6 tanks a month. I am very good at math, but I didn’t want to do it just because I knew the number would freak me out and I would end up riding the trolley for a couple weeks. Nothing wrong with the trolley, but from the station to work I would have to walk about a mile with my purse and laptop and cute shoes… not going to happen.

I was thinking of all the times I heard myself saying gas prices were ridiculous and how unhappy I was when I paid $47.00 one time and got my budget all messed up. Gas prices were a topic of conversation for months; people talked about it, complained, and were disgruntled at every gas station in America. It was like gas had the power to make people mad.

Well, lately people have mentioned a couple times how great the prices of gas are, but it hasn’t been nearly as exciting a conversation as it was when gas prices were almost $5.00 a gallon in California. I read the news almost daily and I haven’t really read any articles on gas prices. It seems like gas lost its power over America as its price dropped.

Isn’t it funny that whenever things are not the way we like them we find time to complain, cry, write, talk and fuzz about it; but when they start getting better we seem to forget them? Isn’t it funny that we’d rather talk about everything that is wrong instead of focusing on what is right?

I decided to talk about gas prices dropping because we owe it to gas prices. We bickered so much about it; the least we can do is rejoice when the situation has turned around. Gas prices, we haven’t forgotten about you!

I have been told I look at the bright side very often, I love looking at the bright side, it’s just… well, brighter! But looking at the bright side means there is a dark side, or at least one that is not as bright (ok, dark side sounds like I am talking about Darth Vader, not cool)

It seems like humans are uncomfortable with brightness, whenever we find it we tend to look for the closest dark corner to hide from it, or we ignore it. And then once we’ve found a dark corner we start longing for the brightness and we start wishing we wouldn’t have ignored it; crazy huh? I want bright rooms; I am making an effort to stop looking for dark corners.

I started looking back, at those dark corner moments of my life and I decided to rejoice I am standing in the middle of a bright room now. I don’t know if you have ever looked back and found yourself in a far better place than the place you were in before. I did that as I drove away from the gas station and I had to thank God for where I am, where I’ve been and where I am going. Then I had to repent and ask Him for forgiveness for not seeing it before.

See gas prices being around $2.20 now would have never been exciting if they wouldn’t have been at almost $5.00 just a couple months ago. Having the best boyfriend in the history of boyfriends, would not feel so incredibly right if I wouldn’t have had a season of loneliness. Living in one of the most beautiful cities in America, with wonderful weather, would not have been appreciated if I wouldn’t have been lived in insanely hot weather. Having marvelous people around me I can trust, would not feel so wonderfully right if I wouldn’t have had to deal with people I couldn’t trust.

As much as dark corners are horrendous they are necessary, they serve as a point of comparison, they make bright rooms brighter and sweet moments sweeter. As much as brightness is momentary, it is better to enjoy it as much as you can while at it, instead of trying to hide from it. Enjoy gas prices, enjoy your friends, enjoy your season, and thank God for where you’ve been.

Colombia is not in my rearview mirror

2008-11-18T23:42:00.000-08:00

I went to Colombia last week, I’ve been in San Diego for less than 32 hours and I already miss my city, my family, my friends, my food, my weather, my everything. Its crazy how missing works, it’s a longing for something you know you can’t have and it seems like you are not complete without it.

Every time I go to Colombia I see my friends and family and things are so different yet exactly the same. People don’t change much there, so you can expect for them to react the exact same way they did when you were little, it’s just how things are. But then there is the change that comes with time, the change that makes things different and makes me miss my country every day.

Whenever I go back I find new wrinkles in my loved ones faces, new accomplishments I would have loved to toast for, new relationships I know nothing of, new stories I am not part of. I miss that, I miss being part of their lives in a more active way, I miss being able to hug them when they are excited, and cry with them when things don’t go like they planned. I miss being part of their story, whenever they write their books I know my name won’t be listed as one of the characters, and it hurts to know I can’t change that. I would love to tint every page with my sarcasm and extend every chapter with my endless monologues; but I can’t.

There is not much you can do when you miss people, the feeling won’t go away. For almost 2 years I waited for the moment that longing would cease. But it never did, and now I know it won’t; and quite honestly I don’t want it to. Whenever I stop missing them, I know I will have erased them from my heart. They will be in my mind as a beautiful memory of what used to be, but I want them in my heart as an incessant beating that causes a little discomfort but makes my lips arch in a smile. I’d rather take the uncomfortable feeling of longing to be there, than the comfortable state of obliviousness.

I know they know I am here, some 2000 miles away; thinking about them, praying for them, celebrating from my bedroom all of the accomplishments I can’t be a part of. I know they know I love them and they are in my heart and mind daily. I know they know because I can feel them thinking about me, praying for me, celebrating from my Colombia all of my accomplishments. I think people know you love them not because you are jumping with them when they figure out the solution to all of their problems. They know you love them because they can feel your presence even when you can't see their glowing faces in front of you.

Colombia is not in my rear view mirror, nor can I see it when I look up front. Colombia is just there, everywhere, all around me. Colombia is who I am, who I was, it is what I believe, what I say, how I smile. I miss everything and I’ll always will, I am just not complete without it. One day, I will write my book, and Colombia will be listed as a main character that was there, even when it wasn't there.

In Bogotá

2008-11-12T03:25:00.000-08:00

I am in Colombia!!! I got here Monday and I've been so busy I barely have had time to sleep. I will back with a blog next week as soon as I get back from Bogotá.

Thank you and I'll see you all in a week!

What is your problem?

2008-11-06T16:08:00.001-08:00

I read I don’t want Delilah, I need you! and when I got done I decided to start all over again because I felt I missed a lot of it, just because I was emotionally involved in some of the things Bishop Eddie Long was saying in the book. It was such an amazing book the first time around I was really excited to start over.

As I started re reading I realized I was right, I overlooked so many amazing parts, I may need to read every book I’ve read a couple more times to make sure I am not missing amazing lines that may lead to amazing blogs.

One of the lines that stuck out to me this second round with Delilah was “Every person who has ever been born was born to solve a problem”. Isn’t that cool? Seeing our lives as answers to a problem is kind of a very exciting thing. I mean we are not here just to go to work, pay bills, find a boyfriend, get married have kids, retire, move to Mykonos and die. There is much more to life than that, we are an answer, we are a solution!

There are many factors that determine someone's success. I define success as being content with your life while striving for more. Albert Schweitzer said it best “success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful”

So in that order of ideas success has nothing to with money, influence, other people, or power; it is completely dependent on you making the decision to follow your dreams.

I was thinking about people that are considered successful and all of them have a commonality; they are passionate about what they do. Michael Jordan was so passionate about basketball he could have done it without getting paid for it; when he switched to baseball, well… we all know what happened.

Michael Jordan is a successful athlete, I don’t care who you are or how you feel about the guy, he was as successful as a basketball player can get. But his success was closely related to his passion, closely related to the problem he was born to solve, the answer he was created to be.

Most of the people I talk to are desperately trying to be successful; it seems that during your mid 20’s being successful is all you think about. The strange thing is that over ¾ of us are not pursuing our dreams. We are not even working on trying to figure out what is that problem we were created to solve, and we don’t really care to figure it out; we are too busy trying to be successful.

So, I see people my age, including moi! Trying to feel that sense of accomplishment through jobs, I see us trying to find the sense of accomplishment in relationships, in careers, in ventures, in trips. Over and over again I see us failing miserably, because we are so worried about succeeding that we forget the only way to succeed is by finding the problem we were created to solve, and then start working on solving it!

I know it is difficult to embark on a quest to find our problem, but isn’t it more difficult to live an unfulfilled life? I don’t know what you are passionate about, but I remember answering some questions some time ago that gave me an idea of what was that one thing that was my very precious and unique problem. Answer them and maybe you’ll get an idea too.

What makes you cry?
What makes you rejoice?
What would you do if money wasn’t an issue?
What kind of job would you take even if you didn’t get paid?

I hope those questions start turning you in the direction of your problems. Problems are a hassle, knowing that you are answer to one should be enough motivation for you to start moving in their direction, and as a consequence in the direction of your dreams.

What men want

2008-11-04T15:24:00.000-08:00

It was somewhat easy for me to write about what it is that women want, I mean being a woman and all it was fairly easy to put myself in our shoes. But lately I have been reading a book about men and women and all that jazz and I realized men want stuff too, crazy huh?

So I have decided to ask men all over the world, or maybe just in San Diego, CA what is it that men want? Some answers were very expected, some were long and elaborate, some were short and precise. But all in all I learned a whole lot about what men want.

Most men are as clueless, as most women are, regarding what it is that they want; about what it is that a partner has to have. That was very relieving, at least we are not alone or crazy, ladies!

Ok, so without further ado, here we go

Respect

One of the shortest answers I got was Respect. I wasn’t expecting a long answer from the person who said that, he doesn’t really talk much, but it was funny when he said; respect! bye, talk to you later. Ok I may be exaggerating but really that’s the only word he said regarding the issue.

Men want to know that the person they are with respects them and their opinions. As I heard that answer I started watching different actions and reactions; and I realized men are motivated by respect. It seems like the more you show your respect for them, the more they want to listen to you.

Have you ever asked a man a question were you tell them you really don’t know what the answer is and you know he knows? Ok their faces light up; it’s like children in Disneyland. You respect their opinion on that issue; you know their opinion is really valid; you just made their day!

On the other hand, have you ever criticized or made fun of a man’s knowledge in public? You could have put a tutu on him and some make up, and that would have been less devastating. According to what I gather, for a man to be respected by the person he is with almost means more than being loved by her.

To be needed

As much as half of them won’t admit it, they want to be your knight in shining armor. Men love when they know they are needed, they want to come to the rescue and be the answer to all of your problems.

I am not saying men want a woman that will linger and depend on him for everything, but they want to know they are needed. They want to know that if a problem rises you will think of them before thinking of anybody else. When you tell them that you need them it’s like telling them you believe in them, it boosts their confidence.

Most of the guys I talked to just wanted a woman that was independent, yet was not scared to ask for their help. For what I gathered they want a woman that depends on him but is very independent... I know, they are special!

To show off

Men want a woman that looks great always, even when wearing sweatpants. I don’t know why, but to most of the people I asked, this was a huge deal. They want to be able to show off. Not only do they want her to be good looking in their eyes, but also smart. They want a woman that will be able to have a good conversation with his friends and will make him look like the “luckiest” guy on earth.

So I was talking to this one guy and he said “why do you think we hate it when you ask if you look fat?” He was trying to say men hate the question not because they don’t want to let us know we actually do; they hate it because they hate the idea of being with a girl that thinks she’s fat.

It is not about your size but your confidence. They want a woman that can look amazing no matter if she’s not a size 2. They want to be proud of the woman they are with, but that is oly possible if she is proud of herself.

Support

They want to know a woman will support them no matter what they do. They want a woman that will walk through tick and thin with them, even if what they want to do seems stupid they want to know she will stand by him.

I am not saying they want to do stupid things and then have the woman be ok with it. They want to be able to take risks knowing she will believe in them even when the odds are against him.

I know I am missing a whole bunch of things, but from what I gathered asking around, those four things were the main ones. Men are very different from women; I think that we got it wrong when we decided that men and women were equal. As much as our rights should be equal and there shouldn’t be any segregation because of our gender, there is no doubt we are wired in such different ways, it’s almost as though women spoke Japanese while men speak English.

The least thing men were interested in was a woman on a power trip, they don't want to comepte to see who is better, strogner or has more power. They want a woman that will be the best, strongest most powerful woman without having to prove it by diminishing him. It is not about being equal; it is about taking on our differences, understanding each other and trying to learn what our strenghts are so that we can compliment their weaknesses.

Ladies, we are going to have to start to take Japanese!

Show me the baby

2008-11-03T11:22:00.000-08:00

Melissa is a very good friend of mine who lives in Oregon and is trying to get to San Diego with her family sometime soon. She is a remarkable individual and her whole family is as remarkable as her.

She was visiting a week ago with her beautiful 2 month old baby Bishop. I hadn’t seen her for a few months, so I had never met Bishop live (only in her belly). When I first saw her I gave her a big hug and then all I wanted was to see baby Bishop. I helped her with the baby to the best of my ability and whenever she had a chance to just look at him she would say “he truly is perfect”. She was telling me about how Bishop likes it when you turn on the shower, how he eats every 3 hours and he doesn’t sleep through the night; she seemed enamored by him.

He is absolutely adorable; you’d have to see his lovable little face to understand what I am saying. Just holding him makes you love him and want to squish him with hugs and kisses. Mel knows everything about him and you can totally tell she is proud of him and shows him off as the treasured gift he is.

I was thinking about Mel, baby Bishop and all other Mamas I’ve met recently and I realized their reaction towards their babies is often the same. They are all so proud of them, they all just want to show the world how striking and extraordinary their baby is. And they should, all babies are striking and extraordinary, you can’t help but smile and act silly around them.

I was talking to my Mom a couple days ago, we were talking about babies and how cute they are because one of her cousins just had a baby. At some point she said she will love my babies and will spoil them horribly; so we ended up talking about me being pregnant. You have to understand something here, I am 5’2’’ and I weight 98lb, the idea of me being pregnant is actually kind of scary. She was making fun of me for being little (even though she is 5’2’’ and weighs like 110lb, but was exactly my size when she had me), and then she said she’d just come stay with me for a couple weeks after and before because I will be in really bad pain from having the baby.

I wasn’t all that excited about the babies anymore; I kind of gave up on being a Mom for a little bit there. I’ve heard other people say having a baby is actually the most pain you will feel in a lifetime, and I can imagine why. Not only is there physical pain but there is also hormonal craziness going on, so you act weird, you are heavier than you would want to be, and you are in pain, OH FUN!

I kept thinking about all of that and I realized something, not once have I heard a lady with a new baby complain. Mel never mentioned it was hard or painful, she never complained about having Bishop or being hormonal, or gaining some pounds. Quite the opposite every recent mom I’ve met talks about the baby and how precious they are, how happy they make the family.

If Mel would have talked about how painful it was to have Bishop, and how bad it is to get contractions and see yourself being way over your normal weight; a lot more than she talked about how beautiful and exciting it was to have Bishop in her life; I honestly wouldn’t have been all that into helping her; and I kind of would have felt sad for baby Bishop. But Mel was all about him; all she really cared about was telling the world she produced something so precious, whatever pain she went through to get him is not worth even talking about.

Moms are all about showing what they have produced and not complaining about how hard it was to produce it. Shouldn’t we take the same approach on pretty much everything in life? Things that are ours, things we have produced tell a much better story than whatever pain we are going through to achieve them; I can guarantee that. Complaining about the process just takes focus off of the prize and that s not what we want to do.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying we shouldn’t talk about our pain here. We all know sometimes we need to cry our eyes out and let our pain heal by talking about it. I am sure moms share with their husbands or the people close to them how painful and hard it was to actually have the baby. But I believe most of our stories should be focusing on what we are producing more than how hard it has been to produce it. After all we will want people to look at our baby, not really to get annoyed by our complaining.

Eyebrows, shoes and a little pot

2008-11-01T15:33:00.000-07:00

There is a girl in Vegas that I love very much, she is planning on moving to San Diego, which is really good news for me (yes, everything is about me, I am selfish like that). She is just fun, and honest, and caring, and pretty much awesomeness at it’s best. I miss her like crazy and I can’t wait for her to be here. We worked together in Vegas and we had so much fun trying to put together a 15,000 people Golden Egg Hunt, I still remember the crazy long nights, and the thousands and thousands of candy pieces we had to deal with.

The first time we had to go the store together to get more candy for the 250,000 eggs we bought for the egg hunt was pretty interesting. We had my boss’ credit card and granted he is a man, the lady at the register decided not to sell the candy to us because, well we don't really look like a man. I told my friend we should walk around and then try a different register.

After walking for about 5 minutes we went to a register on the other side of the store. As soon as we started unloading the candy from the shopping cart I started talking to the lady at the register. She had really bushy and tick eyebrows. As much as she needed to get those waxed, or plucked, or something they were beautiful. I decided to compliment her on her eyebrows and my friend looked at me with quizzical eyes. It was really hard to contain the laughter but the lady loved my gesture.

She was so proud of her eyebrows, she said she doesn’t pluck them or wax them because her boyfriend likes them full like that. I told her they had a beautiful shape and the natural arch just complimented the shape of her entire face. She was beyond exhilarated someone had noticed her full eyebrows. So when it was time for me to pay I gave her my boss’ card and she didn’t even hesitate to run it for me.

I thanked her and we left the store to burst into laughter on the other side of the sliding doors. My friend could barely talk but she kept asking me why I complimented her ‘very in need of help’ eyebrows. I told her I really thought they were beautiful and I also needed for her to like us, so I complimented the first thing that I saw. Granted her eyebrows were pretty tick they caught my attention quite quickly.

Well, that was our first visit to the store, but it was definitely not the last one. We had to go to different stores in many different occasions and it became almost a tradition to compliment the person at the register.

Every time we started a conversation with the cashier we wouldn’t have problems with the card, in fact sometimes they would give us random discounts or just great tips. It was great. I have been complimenting people my whole life, I just like pointing out what I like, and I have always gotten free things, nice interactions and a couple cool friends; but I never really did it so consciously.

Compliments in SD

I was working at my very cool valet job, a really nice custom made SUV pulled over and a lady (and by lady I mean she was over 45 easily) with the coolest of dresses, and the cutest of shoes stepped out of the passenger’s seat. I told her I loved her dress and her shoes were to die for, and she smiled and said she’d rather be wearing my shoes. She said that and we both looked down to see my shoes. And then she said she actually really liked my tennis shoes, she was pretty excited about them, she was asking me about the brand and she kept saying how she loves to work out and is obsessed with tennis shoes. I felt pretty darn cool with my awesome black pumas.

After they went inside the restaurant I took her car, I parked it in a very good spot where I know it won’t take me long to bring it back once they get done with dinner. She was very nice and we had a really cool conversation, I wanted to be nice to her car and her time. Later that night she came out of the restaurant and asked me if I could bring something from her car, I said I’d love to and she asked me to bring her pot. Since I was pretty excited when she first asked me I couldn’t really say anything but “I will be right back”. I got back with her pot and she thanked me and gave me a tip, and then she stood a couple feet from me lighting one of her joints.

After a couple seconds she came over to where I was standing and asked me if I wanted some, I thanked her and refused her very nice offer. She asked me if I smoked and I said I didn’t and then she said she was sorry. I told her there was nothing to be sorry for, she smokes I don’t; that is all there is to it.

We talked a little bit longer; she couldn’t go inside until she was done smoking. It was a nice conversation. When she was ready to go back inside she told me I was welcome to join her party once I was done with work. I told her I was working late but it was nice of her to invite me and she went inside. I left before her and her husband got done at the restaurant, so I didn’t get to see her anymore but I kept thinking about my pumas and her pot.

Compliments and trust

I can’t deny that I did entertain the idea of joining her party last night, I really liked her, she was nice to talk to and seriously her shoes were amazing. I didn’t go because it wasn’t wise and I was exhausted by the end of my shift.

But as I was driving away from downtown I remembered my friend in Vegas and our trips to the store. I remembered us going to cashiers complimenting their bushy eyebrows or colorful shirts, and I remembered how I felt when my pot smoking friend liked my pumas. Maybe she would have asked any valet to bring her some pot from her car, I don’t know. I want to believe that as we complimented each other in the most honest of ways we created an invisible line of trust between us.

Why did the cashiers never care to check the card, sure they were distracted thinking about their coolness, but more than that they felt they could trust me. There is something about honestly being nice to people that makes you honestly trust and like them.

I enjoy complimenting people, I really like looking for their best traits or features, and I just get a sense of satisfaction when I point them out. Well I realized I like it because for a brief moment, when you are truly being honest about what you like about them you find yourself vulnerable in their eyes. You are saying your shoes are better than mine, you are saying I wish I had your eyebrows, you are saying it would be nice to be in your shoes; that creates in the one being complimented an undeniable desire to get to know you more. It creates an unavoidable need to trust you.

There is a reason why free things are called complimentary. Compliments are ways of telling people you appreciate them, you notice them, you care. When people feel you honestly care, they know they can open up to you and trust in you. Complimenting people goes beyond just being nice.

When you go out today I dare you to honestly compliment random people, you will find that in most cases we are all desperate for someone to acknowledge there are things we can show off. And who knows maybe you will make a couple friends, get some complimentary drinks or simply get the satisfaction or making someone smile; either way it is worth trying.

My first time

2008-10-31T03:05:00.000-07:00

I was challenged by my good friend Alayna to write about carving pumpkins. I decided to take on the challenge and here I am, posting about my first pumpkin carving experience. I thought it was appropriate being Halloween and all.

I had never carved pumpkins before, it is really not a tradition in Colombia, I don’t really get it but it was fun. In Colombia we dress up and go to a party or trick or treating. But hey carving pumpkins is all good too.

Alayna has been carving pumpkins since she was little, so she helped me and instructed me through the process. She was taking the top off, because for a very strange reason they didn’t trust me with big knifes (something about being accident prone, I don’t know), and when she got done I got very excited. It was as though I was a 4 year old girl with her very first pumpkin. I had a huge smile, I wanted everyone to see it, and I wanted tons of pictures of the event. It was epic for me, it was my first time.

That was not the first first time I’ve had in my life. Especially since I moved to the States I have been able to experience a lot of new things for the first time. My first Easter with bunnies, eggs and rabbits (I still don’t get it), my first thanksgiving, my first Christmas on the 25th, my first labor day, my first chocolate gravy; anyway the list is endless.

Every time I experience a first time I get really excited, I love being able to try new things and I am very open to new cultures, new ideas and simply new ways of doing things; I just love it. But having that reaction made me think of my second time. Will I be as excited next year when I carve my pumpkin? Will I take pictures and smile and enjoy myself?

I guess it is normal to feel that way; first times have something magical about them. But I don’t want to lose the excitement; I don’t want to lose that joy that I feel just because I am doing something out of the ordinary.

I couldn’t stand the heat of the Las Vega desert; now that I am not living there anymore I must admit I miss the dryness that once excited me when I first got there. Why is it that we allow for negative thoughts to crawl into great experiences? I don’t want to sit 4 years from now and complain about the mess at the end of my pumpkin carving experience. I want to smile big again and show everyone how the top of my pumpkin is out (even though I am not allowed around big knifes).

Living far away from my family has made first experiences possible on second, and third, and fourth times. Every time I see them I am as excited as I was the very first time I came to visit. Calling them is a must, I can't go more than a couple days without hearing their voices. Every day I am grateful for them and when I get a chance to spend time with them I make sure I savor every second.

When I had them all the time I didn't feel that way, I took them for granted and let me tell you I regret that approach. I know it is easy to get so comfortable having people or experiences in your life that you forget they are daily gifts. But it is our responsibility to remind ourselves we are blessed to have the people we have around us, we are blessed to be able to carve pumpkins and paint eggs for Easter (I really don't get it, but it looks like fun nonetheless).

I want to approach every relationship, every experience, every moment as though it was my fist time. I don't want to take things for granted to find myself missing them once I don't have them anymore. My first time carving pumpkins was beyond fun, but I will make sure my second and third and fourth are even better. After all, I know there will be something new every time I get a chance to do it.

The standard of the heart

2008-10-30T23:51:00.000-07:00

After a very long relationship I decided to stay single for a while. I would love to tell you I loved it and it was fun and easy, but I’d be lying, many times I wished I was with someone, many times I really disliked being alone, but at one point I just accepted the fact and I stayed single.

I know all of you can relate to me when I say being single sometimes gets frustrating when you get the “when are you going to get a boyfriend?” question over and over again. Most of my friends are either getting married, married or in a serious relationship; and it seems to me that some people in those seasons just can’t stand the idea of a person that has been single for a long time, it’s like it affects their ability to breath or something. I am sure they just want the single crowd to experience the joy they are experiencing, but to the people that are single it seems like they are out to annoy us.

I am not single anymore, and I will do my best not to ask the dreaded question; I owe it to my single years!

I was thinking about all the times I got asked when I was going to get a boyfriend and I remember thinking to myself; what makes you think I want one right now? there were many times were I knew I just didn't want one. I mean I wanted to be with someone, but I knew I didn't want a boyfriend because of where I was with my own life.

Could I have gotten a boyfriend a lot earlier than I did? Absolutely! I am not saying that to sound conceited or anything like that. I am saying that because it’s true, and it is true not only for me but for everyone. Anybody can start a relationship anytime, people don’t like being alone, we are gregarious beings; it is in our nature to want to be with someone. So if we all don’t want to be alone it is easy to find someone to be with. Being single is really a decision you make, it’s definitely not something that happens to you.

I don’t know why all people stay single, I do know, however, why I did. After a very long relationship ended I found myself alone again. It is crazy but it seems like after you have spent so much time with a person it is hard for you to define who you are. It is hard to determine what parts of you are not really yours, but instead were parts of the relationship you were in. I had to figure out who I was, my identity had been paired up with that of the relationship I was in and when the relationship was over it it took with it my identity.

I found myself not knowing what to do in simple, day to day situations because I had been taken out of who I was. Well, no wonder my relationship failed, I entered in it without full understanding of who I was, therefore I put in him and what we had the responsibility to define me. That is not what a relationship is supposed to do for you.

So I spent a great deal of time trying to be able to answer the question “who are you?”. I would spend hours trying to define my identity and I tried different things to get to the right answer to the very intricate question. Well, that took some months of my life, months I definitely needed to spend by myself. It would have been suicidal to even try and start a relationship right there.

After finding out who I was I started talking to people again, I thought I was ready to be social. I wasn’t really looking for anybody; I was more trying to get comfortable in my own new skin. Unavoidably, people started to show interest in me (remember we want to be with someone, we all show interest just because we are human). Well, the most interesting thing happened; I realized that something changed in me as I went on my quest to find my identity; my beauty standard was brand new.

Things I used to find appealing weren’t even interesting, things I used to look for appeared insignificant, things everybody said you should look for I didn’t really care about. My standard became a standard of the heart, all I really cared about was finding a beautiful heart, and everything else was secondary.

I got so comfortable looking at people that way that beauty became something much more… well, beautiful. Whenever I had a chance to talk to people their heart would be what would determine their beauty and I was amazed at how many people seemed truly beautiful to me. As I was looking at their heart their appearance would change too; people that I would not consider good looking before are now stunning in my eyes. Some other people that used to be gorgeous are pretty plain now.

I don’t know about you but when it comes to spending the rest of your life with someone I want to make sure I base my attraction for them on the right criteria. I want to be completely sure they are astonishing according to my standard of the heart. After all a mere physical standard will fade away and you may end up without the looks or the heart!

The best life possible

2008-10-28T21:24:00.000-07:00

I had a good life in Colombia, I came to realize that when I moved away. I didn't have to work, I didn't have to pay bills, I didn't have to clean my house or worry about dinner, breakfast, lunch. I didn't even have to worry about buying my deodorant, or shampoo, or soap, Mommy took care of those things for me. All I had to do was make sure I was doing well in school, make sure I wasn't making any stupid decisions, and then every Monday I had to go down to my Mom's office and ask for my weekly allowance.

I had a good life in Colombia but it wasn't the best life I could have. It wasn't challenging, it wasn't allowing for me to grow, it was just very very very comfortable. When people meet me they automatically assume I am another immigrant in distress who moved to America in search of the American dream. Well, that is not the case for me. I moved because I want to have the best life possible, I needed to step out of my comfort zone and I had to try something new. I wanted to succeed in my own eyes; and I am not talking about money, I am talking about fulfilling my dream.

I have been talking to a lot of people lately, a lot of successful people. People that are either living in their dreams or getting there; and I found one common denominator; they all gave a good life up. The thing is when all of them gave it up, they ended up having really bad lives, they all ended up living in bad places, with not enough money to survive, or in the really good months, just enough money to pay the bare minimums. Well, I've been there, I am not in the not enough season anymore, I am in the just enough and listening to their stories was very encouraging.

So I decided to get to a conclusion, to get to your best life possible you have to be willing to go through a "not so hot of a life" period. The road to your best life, unfortunately, goes through, around and inside the woods of crappy town. The thing is that when you make the decision to go visit crappy town you are usually in good life town, so you often look back from crappy town and wonder "is it worth it?".

I can't really speak from experience here, I believe I am just walking out of crappy town but I still have some of my boxes there, I haven't moved out entirely yet. I speak from seeing others go through what I have been going through for the past 2 and a half years. I am speaking from a very biased stand point, I just want to believe making the decision to move out of good town was worth it, even when there is a season, or even a couple, that I have to spend at crappy town.

I believe there is a potential we all have to reach, I honestly think we all have something amazing we are supposed to do in our life time, we just settle in good town because we are not willing to get our hands dirty at crappy town. But fulfilling our destiny, is way more exciting and fulfill. As soon as you make it to that best life possible, I believe you don't even think about how dirty your hands got, it won't matter.

I had a good life in Colombia but I wouldn't trade my good life in Colombia for the lessons, the independence, the growth and the relationships I have been able to come across as I lived in crappy town. It wasn't easy, it was actually quite challenging but I would do it all over again. I believe you will never get to your best life possible if you are not willing to give up your good life, so you either let go of you dream or you let go of your comfort zone.

My mirror moment

2008-10-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

Friday was a really bad day for me, everything just seemed to be working out to either annoy me, upset me or make me sad. I lost my laptop's power cord (which explains why I haven't been able to blog), work was insane, I realized didn't have a way to get to LA to fly to Colombia next month, I got bad news from everywhere and I got yelled at by 3 different people. If you know me you know the yelling alone would have done it. I don't handle it well when I get yelled at, it just depresses me, and makes me cry. Now add yelling to everything else and there, voilà, that was my Friday morning.

By 2:30pm I was ready to call Mom and cry my eyes out, tell her I wanted to go home, and I was done with this whole "let's grow up" thing I am trying out. But then I decided to be act like a 26 years old and suck it up. Well around 3:00pm I saw an email that made me really sad, by 4:00pm I got a phone call that didn't help my already crappy day, at 4:15pm I went online and saw another email that caught me off guard and upset me very very much. Needless to say by 4:30pm I broke down, I started crying like a baby and ended up talking to a good friend here in San Diego. He solved one of the things that were upsetting me and he talked to me, which helped a whole lot but I was still not ok (thanks btw, I knew there was a reason we keep moving to the same city).

I had to work that night, so I got ready and drove to J and 3rd, where I work at night on the weekends. I got there a little early so I went in the bathroom to change and just take a breather before work. I was still upset, and I looked like crap because I had been crying. So, I changed, took my makeup bag out of my purse, did my best to look better and I stood there for a few minutes. As I was looking at myself in the mirror I just said "today will get better, it will just get better". Then I got a text that said "Jo I know bad days are horrible but I know it will get better, big smiles =)))". And right there, in the bathroom, I decided my night was going to erase my crappy day.

I started working and suddenly my supervisor showed up, we started talking and he mentioned a couple details about his life and what he's been up to; I responded with as much wisdom as I can. It was such a good, honest conversation, I honestly felt like I was of some use. After that the chef of the restaurant (I valet for a restaurant downtown on weekend nights) showed up, he's a funny guy and he calls me Shakira because I am Colombian. He started singing a Shakira song and asked me if he could park his car in front of the Valet booth. I told him he could get a ticket and said I would hold the next "legal" available spot for him. 20 minutes went by, someone was leaving and we were able to park the chef's car in a really good spot.

My night was getting better, honestly I was just having a good attitude, smiling and trying not to think about what made my earlier Friday a mess. Later I met a couple people that were amazing and wanted to help me with some things I mentioned, they loved me but I had just met them. Two of the managers of the restaurant tipped me for no good reason, and I got off earlier because it was just a slow night, I was going to go home and get good rest! As I was getting ready to leave the chef asked me to wait for a couple minutes. I waited and suddenly a runner came out with this amazing salad with the best tasting fish on top of it, the chef wanted to thank me for helping him with his car!

The food was insanely good, the conversations were amazing, I got a couple text messages that made me smile even more, my day really did get better. Now I am not trying to say that all you have to do when you are having a crappy day is look at your running mascara in the mirror and say, my day will get better. What I am saying is that it came down to making a decision, I decided my day was not going to suck anymore, and it didn't.

All of the things that happened to me after my mirror moment before work could have been dismissed. Actually if I would have allowed for my crappy day to determine my attitude at my weekend job I probably wouldn't have been nice and then I wouldn't have gotten free food, some extra cash and great conversations.

Even if I would have gotten something I probably would have looked at it from a negative stand point; "he's going to give me only a $5.00 tip, really?", "fish? it's 11:00pm. Who eats fish at 11:00pm seriously?", "What are this jokers talking about? Shouldn't they go eat dinner and leave me alone?", "My supervisor should just go work, what is he doing here?", "Why doesn't he text me back, ugh he's taking forever". Those are just some ideas of the things that could have gone through my head if I would have decided to go keep my bad day as my focus, but none of those thoughts really came to mind because I had made a decision earlier; my day was going to get better.

I think there is always something to smile about, we just decide not to see it. There is always something positive, we just dismiss it. There is always an opportunity to change a blue day into the brightest of days, we just choose not to. I will have many more bad days, but I will make an effort to go to the bathroom, look at myself in the mirror and change my stinking attitude.

I always win

2008-10-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

Most times when I say I love sports people look at me like I am either lying or a freak. I understand you know, not only am I a girl but I am a tiny, girly girl, so well yeah they can have their doubts. But I really do, I love watching sports, and I love playing sports; I've tried every possible sport out there. I've played soccer, tennis, squash, racquetball, golf, football, baseball, basketball, croquet, pool, carom billiards, ping pong, volleyball, and a couple made up sports my sister or my friend Camilo decided to come up with. I have never, ever, ever been good at any sport, I just naturally suck. The ones I've been mildly decent at are water skiing and horse back riding; but I was never exceptionally good, I was just better than I was at any other sport I tried.

Not only do I manage to suck more and more as I play more and more. I also manage to injure myself badly every time I try to play anything. It is not that I am not coordinated, I can do pilates, kick boxing, aerobics and pretty much any gym related activity with excellence. In fact I quick butt when it comes to this sort of thing. Sports, on the other hand, not so much. I am just not wired that way.

I went to a restaurant with some friends a couple days ago and they had pool tables there. Most of them like playing pool so they started playing. At one point Ben, one of my friends, decided we were all playing in teams of 2 in a mini tournament thing he set up. We draw names and everything was set to start "competing". Now we were not like trying to kill each other or anything, we were having fun but I realized something about the way I play any kind of sport. Out of 4 teams mine was hmm well 4th, and I was completely fine with that.

I don't think I've ever won a game, any kind of game, not once have I won. Being a perpetual loser makes you find value in different things so that you can still call yourself a winner when you are down 11-0 on your soccer game (that is not a made up score, it actually happened in high school against a German school of girls that looked like German humongous guys). So I noticed when I play any kind of game I play to either have fun, or to learn. If I achieve either one I feel I've won. And you can call me a loser in denial, that is fine with me, but my method works in my head and makes me smile.

It works so much I decided to translate my outlook on sports to many areas of my life. Everything I do, I do to either learn or have fun. You can't really get frustrated with many things if that is your outlook on everything you try right?

Playing to have fun

When my goal is not to win but to have a good time it doesn't matter what happens in the game, it will be a good game. When my goal is to have fun I won't engage in certain conversations, I won’t play certain games, I won’t start certain relationships, I won’t do many things because I know, it is guaranteed will not be fun.

I moved to San Diego 2 and ½ months ago. For almost 2 of those months I didn’t have a job. I applied to some jobs and then I stopped looking. I realized every time I was looking I’d be frowning, I’d be unhappy. Just the thought of some of those jobs, the boredom, the lack of goals, the inability to wear jeans, the mandatory 9-5 schedule… ahhhhhh it mad me sad, it frustrated me; and that was just the thought of it. Just thinking about it would make me cringe and be blue and cranky. So I decided to stop looking after a couple weeks, I just couldn’t look for something that would make me miserable.

Well I have a job, it’s not a dream job, it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life but it’s perfect for what I need right now. And most importantly I have fun!

Now I am not saying that everything that is not fun you shouldn’t do, that will make everyone reading this blog stop filing taxes and I can’t respond to the IRS for that. I am saying whatever you do make sure you have fun, if you are filing taxes heck make it fun, if you are washing dishes find out a way to have a good time. Now, if fun is absolutely impossible then make sure you are learning, if both are not there then don't do it, what for?

Playing to learn

Growing up I never had free Saturdays. You know how all kids in the world had the opportunity to watch their favorite TV shows, or play with friends or do something not school related on Saturdays? Yeah I didn’t have that.

My Mom enrolled me in every possible class available. I always had classes Saturday mornings, it was a must for me; I never had an option. I was in vocal expression, guitar, percussion instruments, corporal expression, tennis, drama, English, Etiquette, modeling classes… and the list goes on, and on it's nuts. My Saturdays where just another school day. You may think I am a freak but I love it and my kids may have to deal with their Saturdays not being open! I am so happy my Mom made me take all those classes, I learned so much from all of them.

I think that because of my childhood Saturdays I try to learn as much as possible whenever I am doing something. Learning is a matter of choice; so if you chose to enter a game, a conversation, a job, a relationship, anything really; planning on learning, then you win no matter what.

One time I was at a friends house, her and her husband said we should play cranium, and then they said “let’s play guys against girls”. We all agreed and started to play. Well, I left happy that night, I had tons of fun that is for sure, but after that day I decided never to play a game guys against girls. Sure I had a great time because I entered the game planning on having fun and/or learning, as it was my first time playing cranium and playing with most of the people there. I learned a lot about the people playing with me, I did not learn how to play cranium, and I had a great time. Most of the people playing with me, however, did not have a good time, it was frustrating for them, it became a competiton and suddenly we found ourselves in the middle of an argument regarding the rules, an hr and a half into the game!

In life many decisions are based on what you’ve learned in the past, if we dismiss our learning experiences we will find ourselves making the same mistakes over and over again. So I have decided to try to learn as much as possible everytime I am doing something, even if that means that I learn something about myself I don't really like.

So whenever you are around me or people like me, know that we will win no matter how good, or talented or awesome you are. The good news is that with us you can win too.

Be cruel to be kind

2008-10-22T09:50:00.001-07:00

As much as Iago is my absolute favorite Shakespeare character, my favorite quote is by Hamlet “I must be cruel only to be kind”. I don’t know when the first time I read that was, but I remember relating to Hamlet when I did. It was beautiful, I read what Hamlet said and my eyes got big and bright and I felt like finally someone got me, you all should have been there.

Ben is a good friend and mentor I have here in San Diego. He asked me a question once; and you got to understand this is my mentor, I respect this man, whatever he says I do; and then he went am I fat Jo? I had to answer truthfully; I had to tell him what I thought. So without even thinking about it, without blinking I said yes you are. Ok now I must admit he is not what you would consider a fat individual, but I do think he was a little over his normal weight when he asked me that question. He started laughing and he mentions he’s fat (even though he really isn’t), or he’s lost weight, or he started a new diet, or something weight related at least once a week.

I know he was uber skinny some years ago and he’s been meaning to lose those extra pounds for a while now. So I am not going to take credit for his attempt to get into a healthier, better looking shape. I will, however, take credit for the honesty that makes him keep asking me questions, because he knows I will say exactly what I think and not what he wants to hear. Now granted that is a silly example I will answer you with the same honesty no matter the question.

Many times we are put in situations where we have to say things we know may hurt the person we are talking to, but wouldn’t it hurt them even more if we weren’t honest? Being honest and kind doesn’t mean you get to tell people things they will love you for, it means you tell the truth even when the consequences are not all that exciting. In fact it is quite the opposite of honesty and kindness to give an answer based on how people will respond, that is called manipulation.

When we lie to people not to hurt them we are doing many things but protecting them, we are protecting ourselves instead. We are so egocentric we would rather have people like us than help them out risking they won’t speak to us again. When we lie to people we are telling them we don’t care about them enough to deal with whatever consequences come with telling the truth. And I don’t know about you but I can’t handle when I know someone is saying something out of sheer compromise and not because they mean it.

Now I tend to be brutally honest, I am like a bulldozer that runs all over people’s loved gardens. That is not ok, I am very well aware of my little problem =D and I am working on it. But deciding not to be brutally honest is not a license to lie. I won’t lie when you ask me a question, I will definitely tell you exactly what I am thinking, and I am getting better at doing it more tactfully and not just blurting yes Ben you are fat. I will however not tell you anything if you don’t ask. Sometimes it is simply wiser to keep your opinion to yourself, if people are not asking for your input you don’t need to give it. Actually in many occasions they don’t want you to give it.

Now I am not saying that if someone is in self destruct mode you are to completely ignore their problem if that person doesn’t ask for advice or help, by all means say something before they achieve their goal of destruction! I am saying that person’s quirkiness, the things that annoy you about them, those things you think they could change to be better; you can ignore those and keep loving them with them. Being blunt doesn’t mean we get to be jerks just for the fun of it. And even though sometimes we seem like jerks for being honest, being blunt means we are direct and wise no matter what the response is.

Many times I have been cruel in order to be kind, when I tell people the way I feel about their decisions I do it with the best intentions in mind. Many times in the past I have lost friends, I have gotten talked about and I have been left alone because I have given people honest input, I have said those things people don’t really want to hear. Would I do it again? In most cases I would, in some others I would refrain from saying anything at all but I will never, not in a million years tell you something I don’t agree with only to get to you to like me and call me when you have something fun to do.

I guess it all comes down to a decision, would you rather be trusted or be liked? I made the decision a long time ago that I want to be trusted, being liked is not my responsibility; therefore trying to change that by myself would make absolutely no sense, it'll backfire on me. Trust, however you build, it is on you how much people trust you, so nobody can steal that from you.

Being cruel to be kind may be unavoidable if you are in a relationship where you want to trust and be trusted. So you can all expect cruelty from me.

The risk of not risking

2008-10-20T23:13:00.000-07:00

Recently I decided to take a risk that feels like the biggest risk I've taken in a long time. It is so scary to step out of your comfort zone and walk into a brand new world were everything is unknown and unpredictable. Taking risks is never really something that comes easily; I don’t think it is our natural instinct to take risks. I think it is a conscious decision we make, completely against our natural behavior.

I met someone a while ago, he is sweet and caring and honest, everything seemed to be better than I ever thought it could be, he is pretty much incredible and he doesn’t stop to amaze me. After months of talking and getting to know each other I found myself standing in front of the threshold of a doorway not knowing what I had ahead of me, I started to back out. Talking to my Dad he pointed out I have gotten too comfortable being alone, I had to make the decision; staying alone and walk away from something that had the potential of being absolutely phenomenal, or open that door and run inside not knowing what was on the other side.

The comfort zone is so alluring; it seems like the place where you’ll be the happiest. It is where everything is known and we call the shots, we are experts. Not stepping out of our comfort zones can be extremely damaging though. Risks allow for growth, for rewards, and for you to have a much better story to tell your grandchildren. Not taking them steals all of the above.

Growth

When we take a risk it is not really about what we are going to accomplish by taking the risk, instead it is about the process. It really doesn’t matter what kind of risk we are taking the process we have to go through in order to achieve whatever it is we are set out to do is a learning process. As all learning processes it comes with growth.

Failing is always an option when you take a risk, when we are willing to jump off the airplane the possibility of the parachute not opening is always there. Before engaging in a new adventure I have to accept the possibility of failure. But the beauty of risk taking is that even when you fail, you grow; every possible outcome allows a process, a process allows learning, learning allows growth.

What we have to consider, more than the possibility of failure, is that the possibility of succeeding if we don’t try doesn’t exist. No matter the situation, no matter if you are having a fairly good life. The only way you can guarantee absolute failure, where not even learning is involved, is if you don’t even decide to step out of your comfort zone and take a risk. I think I can handle the possibility of failure where growth is part of the process, much more than the guarantee of complete failure.

Rewards

There are so many things going on around us we are unaware of. When we step out and take risks there are a series of things that start moving. Did you ever play The Incredible Machine (TIM)? I used to play it with my dad and my sister all the time. It is a computer game where they give you a certain amount of random things to build a machine. They tell you where the machine starts and what it is supposed to do; pop a balloon, start a motor, wake a cat up…

As you were setting all the different parts of the machine you would find yourself setting a starting mechanism, something that would jump start the machine so that everything you put would work. Taking a risk is that self starting mechanism; it is that something that sparks initiative and makes many other things start moving so that a goal can be achieved.

There are some obvious rewards we will get by stepping out and taking risks, growth being one of them. But we also get innumerable unexpected rewards we will never get if we don’t jump out of the airplane. Rewards are all over the place but we can’t see them or have access to them if we never start the machine by taking a risk.

If I am going to commit to taking risks I might as well commit completely, sure I am starting with saying yes to changing my “marital” status( and only my constant smile and unparalleled joy have been great rewards), but it is only the beginning of many opportunities to stand right by the airplane door and jump. The more I jump, the higher I will able to go the next time I try.

A better story

Men will always be making mistakes as long as they are striving after something. Goethe

Making mistakes is beautiful, every mistake is a chapter in our book, every mistake is a step closer to that thing we are striving for, every mistake is a twist on the best story ever told; ours. I decided I want my life to be a best seller; sure I can have a book in the back of a grocery store in a stack that is marked down from its original price. It is still a book, it is still in display, but it’s not up to its potential. I want my life to be a best seller, but the only way I can make it the book you see when you walk into the bookstore, the book with the light shining on it; is by striving for something, by taking risks and writing and rewriting chapters full of mistakes and faux pas.

I don’t want to tell a story of success. Honestly, that is not my goal. I want to tell a story where I took risks, where I went through thresholds even when afraid. I want to sit with my grandchildren and tell them about a life where risks where constant and mistakes where made, but all in all it was a life worth living.

Raise your hand before someone else says something, take that trip you’ve been thinking about, kiss that person you’ve been wanting to kiss, buy those flowers you’ve meaning to give, say the things you have stored in your heart, start that business you been meaning to start, ask that favor you need to get to where you want to get. Take a risk, take it today and don’t risk not risking at all.

Care more

2008-10-18T16:57:00.000-07:00

Fiorello LaGuardia was the mayor of New York City during the dark days of the Great Depression and throughout World War II. Perhaps the most popular of all New York mayors, he was adored by his citizens, many of whom called him the Little Flower, because he was only five feet tall (plus a little bit) and always wore a carnation in his lapel. He was a mayor of the people, always listening to them, because he felt one with them. He rode the New York City fire trucks, raided city speakeasies with the police department, took entire orphanages to baseball games, and during the New York newspapers strike, read the Sunday funnies to the kids on the radio.

LaGuardia was always looking for opportunities to listen. On a bitterly cold night in January of 1935, he entered a night court that served the poorest ward of the city. He dismissed the judge for the evening and took over the bench himself. One of the plaintiffs was a haggard street person charged with stealing a loaf of bread. She told LaGuardia that her daughter was sick and had been deserted by her husband and that her two grandchildren were starving.

But the shopkeeper from whom the bread had been stolen refused to drop the charges. "It’s a real bad neighborhood, Your Honor," the man told the mayor. "She’s got to be punished, to teach other people around here a lesson."

LaGuardia sighed. He turned to the woman and said, "I’ve got to punish you. The law makes no exceptions. Ten dollars or ten days in jail." As he was pronouncing the sentence, he reached into his pocket and extracted a bill and tossed it into his famous hat, saying, "Here is the ten-dollar fine, which I now remit; and furthermore I am going to fine everyone in this courtroom 50 cents for living in a town where a person has to steal bread so that her grandchildren can eat. Mr. Bailiff, collect the fines and give them to the defendant."

The following day, New York City newspapers reported that $47.50 was turned over to a bewildered woman who had stolen a loaf of bread to feed her starving grandchildren. Fifty cents of that amount was contributed by the grocery store owner himself. Some 70 petty criminals, including people with traffic violations, as well as New York City policemen, each of whom chipped in 50 cents, gave the mayor a standing ovation.

I love that story, it makes me cry every time I read it. It is amazing to me how situations can be changed only if you have a person willing to take action, to look at things from a different angle.

Take action

More often than not we complain about all of the injustices we see in the world instead of doing something about them. We have the most amazing ability to point out those things we dislike but when it comes to doing something about them it is like they don't bug us all that much. I read somewhere sometime that if you aren't part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.

There are really only two ways we can handle something that is not right; we can ignore it, or do something to change it. Complaining and whining about it is really not an option, it doesn't help, it doesn't change the way we feel, at most it annoys people around us. Complaining only proves we are unwilling to improve. It is better to see things we dislike as opportunities to make positive changes than nagging reasons.

Sometimes it takes more to take action than to complain, but either way we are spending our time, we might as well spend it wisely, making an honest effort to solve a problem instead of adding to it.

Be empathetic

I have complained about things I can't believe people would do, only to find myself doing them when I am put in the situation they were in. I am not saying that all things are ok, I am not saying all actions are excusable; I am saying we can't judge others if we've never been in their shoes.

No matter how hard of a heart we have, there are things that we all feel compassion for. In some shape or form we all care how someone feels and we hurt when they hurt, we just brush it off.

When we open ourselves to those feelings of compassion we start being more empathetic and we start caring more. It is not bad to feel for other people, it is what makes us human. When you try seeing from other people's perspective, when you try an imagine how you would react if you were in the position they are in, you start seeing things from an angle that makes everything a different shade of blue.

LaGuardia did what most of us are scared of doing, he cared! that made him one of the most loved politicians the city of New York has ever seen. But beyond that, because he cared he was able to help many, touch many, change many and love many. I don't think it is possible to care too much so wherever we are at as far as caring, we can always get better at it.

What does it feel to be alive?

2008-10-17T17:45:00.000-07:00

Good concerts became very rare in Colombia after Guns and Roses was there in 1992, people went crazy and destroyed everything around the concert's venue. After years and years of very occasional underground bands someone decided to bet on the Colombian music lovers and out of nowhere they started announcing Metallica was going to visit Bogotá at the end of 1999.

I was 17 years old and I was pretty girly, just like I am nowadays. My best friend was as girly as me, but she was also the hottest girl in my school. You know that girl that all the guys want to ask on a date, and all the girls are jealous about because she's perfect? That was my best friend. Well, we decided we wanted to go to the concert everyone was talking about, we wanted to see Metallica live!

I remember there were people traveling from other cities in Colombia to see the band and that the one rock radio station in Bogotá, Radioacktiva, was asking people to get there early as the lines were going to be insane. I told my Mom I wanted to go and she agreed to drop me and my friend off at 7am at "El Parque Simon Bolivar" (the version of central park in Bogotá), where the concert was going to take place.

We woke up super early, put on our cute little jeans, nice dark t-shirts and comfy shoes, and got in the car with Mom. We got there and there were thousands of people in interminable lines of metal strapped boots over dark skinny jeans, leather jackets and really bad haircuts. We looked out of place to say the least, but we didn't really care, this was an adventure.

After a couple hours we ran into some friends of her and we followed them around like lost children follow a security guard. The lines weren't really moving, but we were sitting in the floor having a good conversation and we were people watching (the most fun of sports); so we were having a good time. The concert was supposed to start at 7pm, but they opened the doors at 3pm and the lines started moving a little faster, and people started getting very excited. Some people were singing One and The Unforgiven trying to hide their very noticeable accent, we felt like we were rebels being part of something cooler than ourselves.

We got searched 3 times before we were able to go in and then we found a spot on the right hand side of the park were we sat down. We ran into numerous friends and had conversations about music, drugs (we never did drugs so don't get alarmed), politics and life; it was just fun. At 7pm a local band started playing, they were ok but people wanted to see Metallica; we wanted to see Lars Ulrich's hands banging the drum sticks against the drums. We wanted to hear James Hetfield sing "Hush little baby, dont say a word, and never mind that noise you heard. Its just the beast under your bed, In your closet, in your heeeeeaaaaaad".

After the local band there were 45 minutes of people coming on and off the stage to get the crowd excited (as though we needed them!) but finally, almost at 8pm Metallica was on stage. They were singing Master of Puppets and I didn't know the lyrics to it but I was having the best time. After a couple songs I started feeling dizzy, there were a lot of people and most of them were smoking around me, I wasn't used to that. Suddenly everything was black, I could hear the music but I couldn't see anything, I couldn't feel anything.

Yeah, I fainted! When I woke up I was in one of the emergency tents they had set up on the side of the park in a hill. They were playing One and I was bummed, my friend was laughing at me and nodding, her friends were making fun of one of the guys because he panicked, and then after I was feeling better and they put alcohol in the back of my neck and gave me water and a couple other things to drink, we walked outside. We could see everything from that hill and at that exact point Mr Hetfield said something in Spanish nobody understood and then he said "What does it feel to be alive, mother*insert cuss word here*?".

Everyone went nuts, we could see 100.000 people yelling, throwing their arms in the air and jumping because James Hetfield said something half of them didn't understand (Colombia being a Spanish speaking country an all). Ok and I wrote those 750 words you just read only to say that to this day I still say What does it feel to be alive? I say it the same way he did, and I say it out of nowhere, usually driving in my car, just out of the blue I yell; What does it feel to be alive?

It's been almost 10 years and I still imitate Mr Hetfield, I really doubt I'll ever stop doing it. Today I was ecstatic (the reasons as to why I was ecstatic will be the subject of many blogs to come, so stay tuned), I was sitting in Starbucks and they were playing salsa music. I was sitting there, with my laptop in front of me and I was just listening to the music. And then I said it with a big smile in my face What does it feel to be alive? The person sitting next to me looked at me like I was crazy, and he gave in to his curiosity and asked me what it felt like?

I laughed, told him the story about Metallica and he seemed satisfied. I talked to him for a couple more minutes about different things and we went back to our computers. But then I started thinking abut his question, well, about my question. Being alive feels like something is burning inside of me, something that is dying to get out and cannot be held inside for too long; it feels like my actions start taking the form of my passions and I start smiling for no reason. It feels like every breath I take brings in thousands of opportunities to jump, and to yell, and to hug, and to kiss, and to cry, and to laugh. I guess being alive to me feels like the most indescribable joy, coming from the most unexpected source.

Being alive you can't really describe, it's beyond words. But then you move to a foreign country and you find yourself alone, craving for happiness, and realize being alive is a choice you get to make. You may be breathing but you are not alive unless you've chosen to live. Then you are realize there is no such a thing as living partially, as living on Fridays and Saturdays, you are either alive or not, it's all or nothing. When James Hetfield asked the question everyone felt alive; the jumping, and the yelling, and the arms moving up and down were only the expression of a feeling that could not be contained. The problem is that feeling was washed away after we went back to routine, but I believe you can stay alive even in the middle of routine, you just have to make that decision.

What does it feel to be alive? It feels like you've made the choice to make every day count, it feels like you wake up and you know you are passionately pursuing your dreams. It feels warm and cold and fuzzy and rough, all at the same time. It feels like green looks like to a colorblind person.

Jealousy interrupted

2008-10-15T15:17:00.000-07:00

My sister and I were at the fashion show mall in Las Vegas and we went inside a store, we started looking around for scarves and when we finally found one I liked we went up to the cashier. The cashier was a lady in her mid-30’s, a very good looking brunette. She had a really cool looking pony tail, it looked very elaborate and you could tell she had 25 gallons of hair spray but it looked really cool.

My sister said to me in Spanish she really liked her hair, I told her to ask the lady how she did it but my sister simply decided no to; so I asked her. I thanked her for the help and then I said “I love your hair, how do you put your hair in a pony tail like that?” she said thank you and then she said "oh it’s just a regular pony tail, it takes me 2 minutes to get my hair looking like that". I said it looked hard to do, exchanged a couple more words with her and left the store.

Once outside my sister rolled her eyes at me and said “if it takes her 2 minutes to get her hair to look like that, I am Halle Berry whatever!”, we laughed and said how ridiculous it was for her to say it was quick and easy to get that hair when you could tell only the hair spray application probably took her 45 minutes.

Maybe she thought that by saying she has gorgeous hair as she walks out of the bathroom was going to stop making us jealous, or was going to make us more jealous. Maybe she thought she was going to look super cool if we thought she had naturally styled hair that would put itself in a pony tail. Maybe she is not allowed by her mom to share beauty secrets. Maybe she thought that if she told us and we were able to do it we would take all of the single men in town and she'd be left single forever.

I don’t know what she thought, bottom line is my sister and I thought she was silly. What did she gain by lying? The reputation of a silly 30 something year old, she got two girls in their early 20’s to think she was ridiculous.

I don’t know what it is about women and being honestly nice to other women that doesn’t click, I really don’t know but it bothers me. I believe the main reason why women don’t get along with other women is jealousy. See she could have been a sweetheart and could have told us her secret and then we would have been able to become friends or something, I don't know.

We feel jealous of other women either because they look better than us or because they are more “successful” than us in a certain area. We dislike when other women get what we want and we make atrocious attempts at trying to hide it achieving exactly the opposite; make it more obvious. What do we accomplish? being perceived as silly or ridiculous.

I don’t think feeling jealous is necessarily bad; it depends on how you channel it. I was talking to my amazingly, sweet, handsome boyfriend last night (hmmm that’s a weird thing to write after such a long time without a guy), he was telling me about his friend up in Seattle who is proposing this weekend and we started talking about all of the friends we have who are either married or planning on getting married. So I mentioned a very good friend who is getting married next month, for her honeymoon she is going to a really nice resort in Jamaica, “I am so jealous” I uttered.

I love my friend, I am so happy for her I am flying all the way to Colombia to be at her wedding. I am really excited for her and if she asked me I would tell her I am really jealous and she would laugh. The jealousy I feel is not directed towards her, it is not a catty desire to see her fail. It is directed toward my own desires, it is more an honest aspiration to have what she will get in my own time.

I don’t know how to stop feeling jealous about other women, but I do know we can identify when the jealousy is an evil desire to see the object of our jealousy trip and fall, and when it is simply a yearning to have what they have that does not suppress our happiness for them. If we make an honest effort to recognize what kind of jealousy we are feeling and we are honest with our friends and tell them we are feeling jealous I can guarantee we will leave no room for catty feelings.

Next time you see a friend of yours looking like a million bucks tell her she looks amazing and how jealous you feel. Not only will you surprise her with your honesty but you will also avoid feeding an emotion that may harm your relationship with your friend. If she was you, wouldn’t you like for her to acknowledge your effort? After all it takes pretty darn long to look like a million bucks; we might as well get some compliments from our loved girlies. Don’t give in to silly responses or harmful feelings and feel jealous in the open.

Interrupting the interrupter

2008-10-13T19:06:00.000-07:00

The first time I ever said a words I was 3 months old, I remember it like it was yesterday… ok maybe not, but I believe what my parents tell me. So according to my parent’s account I was a cute 3 month’s old little baby and I said “Mom”; and then they decided to be mean and say “and you haven’t stopped since”.

I talk a lot, I talk relentlessly. I talk in my sleep, when I wake up, during a movie, when the movie is over; through dinner, by myself, with people around me, to strangers, to friends, to children and adults… I just talk, and I talk a lot.

I was working a couple nights ago and one of the bouncers I work around walked by me. He was able to pick up on my accent as I was (yeah you guessed right!) talking to one of the clients and once the client was gone after I brought their car he asked me where I was from, I told him I was from Colombia and he started talking and talking and talking about Colombia. Some of the things he was saying where pretty inaccurate, so I would start a sentence to try and explain we actually don’t have a hot summer in Bogotá, and he would just start talking over me like I wasn’t even part of the conversation. I could have honestly walked away or covered my ears and the guy would have not noticed at all, he would have kept going and would have told people he had the best conversation about Colombia with the valet he works with.

The bouncer is a pretty nice guy, we've talked after this incident and he really is a nice guy. But that day he made me feel my ideas or my input weren’t necessary or appreciated, and if you read the first paragraphs you can imagine how frustrating it can be for me not to be able to talk. After a couple failed tries to tell the bouncer Bogotá is a big, cold city I decided to quit trying. He wasn’t interested in what a person who grew up in Colombia and lived there for 23 years had to say about the country, I had no interest in trying to tell him he was mistaken and was really not motivated to inquire about him. Thank goodness I work with the guy so I ended up finding out a lot of interesting stuff.

That first conversation with him made me think of the countless conversations I’ve had and the thousands of people I’ve talked to. And I felt bad because I am sure I have interrupted others, countless times. I have shown no respect for others and I have voiced my opinion without really listening to what others have to say.

I know I interrupt people and I felt so uncomfortable when he interrupted me and didn’t seem to care about what I had to say, that I had to check myself. I like getting things done, I really do! I don’t do very well when I fell like time is being wasted so I know that I interrupt people when I consider the conversation futile. But I was thinking and I really do not have the authority to determine whether a conversation is useless or not, what if I am interrupting them precisely when they were going to give me the piece of information that would just fix my life forever? Ok there is no such thing but the truth is I have to give people a chance to speak, everyone has a valuable point I should consider if I want others to consider mine. I know I am not alone out there since my bouncer friend interrupted me and I have been interrupted by many others in different occasions.

Why do we interrupt people? First, because we think that whatever we have to say is more important than what others are saying, and that is just plain wrong, isn’t it? If not it's rude ok. I am not saying we have to sit there and listen to a person say absolutely nothing for hours and hours, I mean there are occasions where people just ramble. What I am saying is to give people a chance to speak since not only our opinions are valid.

At least in my case, I get very excited talking. That leads to me interrupting people. I am a very passionate individual and whatever I engage in I do it full force, there are no warm waters. When a topic I feel strongly about is being discussed I tend to interrupt people. I’ve found myself thinking about my reply more than whatever people are saying, and that only leads to them figuring out I am rude and not wanting to have a conversation with me ever again. So if we keep it up we’ll end up not being able to discuss those things we absolutely love talking about and that would suck.

Some other times, my mind is somewhere else. Sometimes people are talking to me and I interrupt them and say something that is not related with whatever they were saying. I do it because I was somewhere else, my mind was wandering. It doesn’t always happen when the conversation is boring, it just happens. I don’t think you have to be “there” all the time but I do think that if someone is talking to you the least you can do is pay attention. If we have something in our mind it’s ok to let people know we are somewhere else. At least that way we won’t waste their time and we won’t look like loons when we interrupt them saying something that makes no sense.

If I have ever interrupted you please forgive me, don’t write me off, and keep having conversations with me as I am doing my best to get better at it. If you interrupt me I have to be honest, I will let you know you are doing it because it actually bothers me.

Using a dirty towel to clean your hands

2008-10-12T01:09:00.000-07:00

-Are you going to valet?
-No, unless you serve good food, I am going to dinner
-Ha well I would serve something, but I really doubt you'll enjoy my food
-I am sure you are a fine cook
-Actually I am a terrible cook, I can barely make sandwiches
-Haha how come?
-I grew up having a lady cook for me
-Nice, where was that?
-Colombia, that's where my accent is from
-I am guessing you are from the same place as your accent
-Indeed
-Bogotá?
-I am really glad you didn't say South Carolina
-I thought about it. How long have you been here?
-San Diego 2 months, the states 2 years
-School?
-Yes
-You got done and moved to San Diego?
-Yes, I got done and was sent to San Diego to start a church
-Oh wow, that's good, this city needs it with all sinners like me
-I am more concerned about the homeless and abused children as I am a sinner myself
-Haha hey someone's gotta care for them right?
-Hmmm... Yeah I guess someone's gotta care
-What is your name?
-Jo
-I am Zack, it was nice to meet you Jo, good luck with the homeless. I will make sure to donate to your church once it's up and running
-We would really appreciate that. It was nice to meet you too, enjoy your dinner

I took Zack's Mercedes-Benz and drove it to the parking lot almost in tears, someone's gotta care for them? what on earth is that supposed to mean? someone's gotta care for them? aren't we all supposed to care? I know Zack is not a bad person, he was actually really nice. He inquired a little further about the church and my life, and gave me his card when he left the restaurant. He even told me he would go to Urban,and I could tell he meant it because he said he'd like to see the church where a sinner goes to (funny huh?). But I can't deny that Zack changed the tone and the purpose of the conversation as I mentioned church, homeless, abused children and help.

What started as Zack's attempt to flirt with a valet on a Saturday night ended with the valet pointing out Zack is using a dirty towel to clean his hands, without the valet even planning to. What is worse, it ended in the valet pointing out she has used that same towel many times. I love the fact that he mentioned donations, I think he thought I was judging him because I am helping and he is not, he felt guilty and thought he could throw a couple dollars and ease his discomfort.

How many times have I done that? how many times have I given a couple bucks (many times because I have to, not because I want to) and then I've felt better at my absolute lack of compassion?

Have you ever thrown away food? I used to do it all the time, and my Mom used to tell me what a horrible thing to do it was since there are starving children in the world. I always thought to myself; how on earth is me not throwing food nobody will eat anyways, because it's old, going to help starving children in Africa? Well tonight I understood what my Mom meant. Why didn't I ever get that food to a starving kid a couple miles away (maybe kilometers since this happened in Colombia)? why didn't I care? why didn't I do something instead of desensitizing my self by donating a couple bucks here and there?

I just got done reading The Irresistible Revolution and even though I disagree with about 1/4 of the book I must admit this conversation would have turned out different if the book would have been How To Become Rich in 20 Days (yes, it is a made up book). In the book Shane Clairborne talks about caring for others, loving people at all times, in every circumstance. He talks about trips he's taken, letters he's written, marches he's attended, protests he's started, nights he's slept in benches. In the meantime I can tell you quite the boring story of donations I've given bleh.

I am not saying donations are bad, I will keep giving money and I sure hope more people in the world join me on that one. I am saying that closing our eyes and covering our ears to other's suffering is not acceptable, not even if we are "helping" with a couple dollars.

I felt embarrassed tonight, I felt embarrassed because like Zack I too have cleaned my hands with a dirty towel. I also felt alive, as the cold wind was hitting my knees without mercy (they are hurting), I felt it's not too late to throw that towel in the washer and start getting really dirty hands!

The best things

2008-10-11T13:35:00.000-07:00

I have a good friend and mentor who is living currently in Oregon and I am praying hard to have him and his family in San Diego soon. He has a favorite quote that I love; “the good things in life will rob from the best”. It is something along those lines; the idea won’t be missed if maybe I am not quoting the whole thing verbatim. I could not agree more; many times I’ve found myself debating whether or not I should go back to Colombia, have a good life and stop trying to touch people’s lives in San Diego. Obviously on that particular dilemma I’ve chosen the best things.

I valet Friday and Saturday nights at a restaurant/bar in downtown. It is super slow from 6pm to 9pm, then it picks up a little bit, gets slow again and then around midnight everyone seems to want their car back. Since I have so many slow hours I bring a book and read to make the best of my time. Last week I finished Searching for God knows what by Donald Miller. And by the way, I believe everyone and their mom should read Mr Miller’s attempt to be liked (you’ll understand what I mean if you read the book). Whatever I learned from Searching for God knows what you will be reading soon.

This week’s book is The irresistible revolution by Shane Clairborne. I must admit I disagree with some of the things that Shane talks about, which I am sure he will be fine with. I can’t, however, deny that his first chapters have been one of the most honest and beautiful attempts I’ve seen at showing love. His obsession with loving people is so magnificent to me that I kind of want to start sowing my own clothes and sleeping on the streets if needed, just as Mr Clairborne does. You'll hear about that if I end up following his steps.

Beyond my attempt to get you to pick up this two amazing books, I am writing about the good things in life. In The irresistible revolution Shane writes about one of the quotes he wrote in his wall and that reads “the best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them away”. Well I have decided to change his quote a little bit because I believe the best things in life stay engraved in your heart for eternity.

"The best thing to do with the good things in life is to give them away"

When I read that quote last night I immediately thought of the quote that was given to me by my good friend and mentor in Oregon. I kept thinking what if the best things in life can only be achieved if you give away the good things? what if by not giving away the good things you get robbed of the best things? It all made much more sense now

Think about everything that we really, really want; those best things; Happiness, peace, harmony, joy, love! All those things can only be achieved when we give up the good things; comfort, money, position, a good name... I am not saying that you should be poor, not care about your name and look for discomfort, I am saying those are not the best things, I think those come as we give them away and open the road for the best things.

I believe the best things you can ever receive is love, unconditional, passionate (no, I am not talking about sex), amazing love. Well love can’t be received if you don’t give away selfishness. Being selfish is something we have learned to embrace as a society, it is perceived as good in a decent measure, one's gotta look for himself right?. We think about ourselves and how we can be better, we get consumed by thoughts of success and money and how our apartment in the Soho is going to be so amazing we’ll smile as we open the door. It is all about us! Well I can’t see us receive that amazing, unconditional love we so desperately crave for if our thoughts are so consumed by our own self (and again I must clarify the apartment in Soho is not a bad thing, I want one myself. The bad thing is for my apartment in Soho to be my focus in life).

Growing up it was normal for me and my sister to come home and find homeless children living in our house; my mom just can’t walk by starving children and pretend she doesn’t care. This one time a girl stayed with us for over 3 months until we were able to find her family (she had been kidnapped by a person with no heart that made her work like a slave, and my Mom kind of kidnapped her from him to return her to her family. I know it isn't smart and we could have called the cops but we didn't so get over it). Her name was Rocio, she was the sweetest and she was only 2 years younger than me, a couple months older than my sister. I was about 10 at the time and I remember noticing how different Rocio and I were.

I grew up having everything anybody could ask for, having more than enough and complaining because I didn’t have more. Rocio grew up having barely enough, and sometimes having not even basic things. My Mom told Rocio she could use my clothes and my sister’s and she was welcome to everything in the house. She was very timid, maybe scared, so she would be very careful using our things. We got her some clothes and personal items but she liked our things and used to take them, after all my mom invited her to them.

It was tough, my sister and I were girls, and we are spoiled girls at that, we were also really young and selfish. Having someone in your house, around your things, moving everything around can be challenging when you are 10 and can't understand what living in need looks like. My mom didn’t let us complain, nor did she take back what she had told Rocio. My mom pretty much didn’t care my sister and I were uncomfortable, she made us give away our comfort.

When we dropped her off at her uncle’s house (she had no parents) both her and her uncle ran to each other and hugged for several minutes, the tears where piling up in all of our eyes and Rocio seemed honestly happy. Helping Rocio made me happy too, all of the challenges we had in the couple months she was living with us seemed like nothing compared to seeing how happy she was. I remember I even felt embarrassed that I was so selfish, so foolish. Who cares if someone is wearing my favorite shirt? Is a shirt more valuable than a smile?

As I gave away my comfort, as I gave away some personal things, I found something much more fulfilling and satisfying; I found the joy of giving, the excitement of loving, the sweetness of caring. I found the best things!

As true as it is that the good things in life will rob your from the best, we have to be careful when we determine what are those best things. I have decided a real smile, a welcoming handshake, a helping hand, an honest response and a willing shoulder to cry on, are the best things in life. Anything else is added value to the unconditional love you get when your focus is not yourself.

Homicidal rage

2008-10-08T23:19:00.000-07:00

I get annoyed easily; it is amazing to me how I get so frustrated so quick. It doesn’t happen all that often, but when it happens, in a matter of seconds I can feel all the blood boiling in my head. You can tell I want to rip your head off because my eyebrows rise up to my hair line and I start biting my lips incessantly. It is not my best trait and I am honestly not very proud of it.

It is interesting because it is always the same group of people who awaken the whole thing. It is like they are water and I am oil and we keep repelling each other. This week I was working, efficiently, comfortably, doing my own thing, minding my own business. Suddenly I heard something, and then something else, and then a conclusion that seemed to be the cherry on top of the ice cream. Well in a matter of 20 seconds I went from being in a good mood, to completely frustrated wanting to bite someone’s head off. And I don't really like ice cream.

What this individual was saying was so wrong to me; it was so rude I just didn’t understand why someone would say something like that. I said a couple things back, trying to keep my composure as I was working, and then I just turned around to ignore this person and kept on working.

Well it wasn’t long until the same individual made a comment that pissed me off again. It was like this person was on a mission to get killed by a small Colombian woman. I honestly wanted him vanished from my sight; I wanted a genie that would just sow his mouth so that he wouldn’t annoy me any longer.

I kept working, trying to quiet my homicidal thoughts and exchange them for anything; shoes, clothes, movies, water, James Franco, coffee, the work I was doing, ~~my boyfriend~~ James Franco, shoes, clothes, seriously anything (or maybe just me wearing amazing shoes and clothes while talking to James Franco? Hmmm….). Well I failed miserably; everything this person was saying was stupid, annoying, frustrating or ridiculous to me.

After a couple hours of me trying to ignore every sentence that came out of his mouth, and him trying to say every possible thing that could annoy me, it was time to clock out. I was excited my day was over and even more excited I was not going to see my archenemy any time soon.

I am sure you have your own nemesis and as you read my words you are thinking of that one individual that transforms you into a killing machine wanna be. Well I am sorry to tell you both you and I need to take a different approach at dealing with our jokers (oh yeah I am batman baby!).

He can’t make me feel anything

I realized he didn’t make me mad, he didn’t annoy me, he didn’t frustrate me. In reality I am allowing for this person to get under my skin, and quite honestly it is not worth it. He's not doing anything to me, I am making the decision to allow for his words to take a toll on my smile. It is my own ego what irritates me, it is the fact that this person and I do not agree one bit, and I want to be right, what really aggravates me; not his presence.

When my ego feels threatened because my ideas are being attacked (whether consciously or not), I start defending my ideas because it hurts my ego to just think of the possibility of letting go of my ideas. Well, I have been trying to disassociate my ego from my ideas. See everyone has ideas, there is no “judge supremo” deciding which ideas are good and which ones are bad. Who I am should not be threatened when someone has ideas that completely contradict mine.

When I encounter someone I disagree strongly with I tend to explain my believes, my views, my life, to show them they are "crazy". The truth is I am doing so much explaining because I want to show them I am right, and they are oh so wrong! When people share their ideas with me and I disagree strongly but they insist on them, I feel like they are trying to persuade me to think like them. Well thank God I can stop thinking that is their goal. There are really two options: bite my lip until there is no more and I have to be fed through an IV, or I can start approaching everything they are saying as just an idea, not a threat against my individuality.

Someone that doesn’t look at life the way I do, someone that communicates things differently than I do and does not share the same views as me, is never attacking me in a personal way when they are expressing their disagreement. Instead, they are challenging my idea and that is ok, as I said before there is no “judge supremo”. No idea is exempt of being challenged.

In the last couple days I have been making a humongous effort to try and see this person’s comments in a non personal way. I am trying to disassociate him from the ideas he formulates, and I am looking at him as a person who disagrees with me and could be right to do so.

Condemnation Vs Understanding

I am sure that like me, you have thought people were wrong. In my case it got so bad that this person entering a room would make roll my eyes. I knew he was going to say something that was going to annoy me so much I was going to have to bite my tongue not to say something I would regret later. Well, only fools do that... ladies and gentleman I am a fool!

I realized there is a reason people think the way they do. I have no doubt this person does not sit around in his spare time to think of all the things he could say to get me to kill him. On top of the fact that both him and I know I can’t kill him (I am 5’2’’ for crying out loud), I do get the feeling that he wants to keep breathing for a little longer.

I decided to sit down and think of the reasons he thinks the way he does, the reasons he comes off as rude and inconsiderate to me. I was sitting in my car, driving from work to my house and I kept thinking. Why is it that he believes all of the stuff he says? why is he so different from me? Well in no time I realized we were raised so differently we value completely opposite things. I noticed he can be nice when I am not frowning as I say hello, and he just has a quirky personality that may seem strange to someone like me.

I am not saying I am going to become his best friend now, I honestly believe we are not meant to be any more than acquaintances. I am saying that he’s not my archenemy, he’s just different from me, and I will get a whole bunch of those through my life, guaranteed! I decided that instead of condemning him for his differences I am going to try and understand him.

Instead of trying to make the people that are like oil transform into water so that we can blend, I am going to marvel at their different texture and color embracing my clear tone. I believe I am going to have less wrinkles at 50 if I keep working on my annoyance issues. If not, I am sure it will be worth the try (and face lifts will be a mastered science by then ha!).

There are no schools in Colombia

2008-10-07T23:30:00.001-07:00

I have been making so many phone calls in the last few days I feel like I have a phone receiver attached to my right ear at all times. I have a list of people with the car(s) they drive and I have to call them, one by one I’ve knocked down 35 lists of people. After a couple pages I realized I could predict the kind of car someone had by looking at their name; so to keep myself entertained I started playing a game with myself.

My game consists of giving an average price for the car the person drives only by reading their name and last name; I can’t see where they live. Well, I must admit 80% of the time I was right. Sometimes I even went as far as to imagine the kind of life they are living, I imagine what they are wearing, the kind of job they have, and even the color of the furniture in their fancy/ugly/big/trendy/tacky living room.

I had to call someone whose name was Agustino Perez* and I guessed around the low numbers (granted our clients have really nice cars, low numbers is way above what I paid for my car anyways). Well I was very surprised when I saw he not only had one, but two cars that were both way over my guess. I called him, we had our very nice and professional conversation, I said bye and moved on to the next person.

The following morning I had to go to court to take care of a ticket I got for turning right without making a full stop when the light was yellow turning red. My name was called and I went to booth #7 to talk to a very Caucasian man in his mid 40’s. He was doing a whole bunch of things and talking to me and he asked me how long I had lived in the states, I answered and he asked why my accent was so different from all the other Mexicans he's talked to. I smiled and explained I was Colombian and started learning English at a very young age. He inquired about my education and then said something interesting; he said “I didn’t know they had good private schools in Colombia, heck I didn’t know they had schools in Colombia” and he laughed.

I had no choice but to laugh with him and then I told him we have a whole bunch of things he’d be very surprised to find in a third world country. He said he’s going to have to visit and told me I had to pay $428.00 and do traffic school to get the ticket off my record. I almost cried as the words four hundred came out of his mouth, I agreed to pay as I want a clean record again and I left after saying good bye.

It was interesting to me that he assumed things about me and my country. I thought it was kind of awful that people would be so quick to label you based on such small things as your hair color, skin tone or height. I mean after all by saying he didn't know there were schools in Colombia, he really said he would have never expected for a girl who grew up in Colombia to have had a very good education. But then the most annoying things happened, I heard my inside voice talk to me; “but at least he saw you, at least he made an assumption based on your tan skin and undeniable Hispanic features, not just your name”.

I know, I know I am a terrible person, I already feel really bad so don't say anything about it. Just recently I was complaining about people at Nordstrom not paying attention to me because of what I was wearing, and now I play my silly game! For the past week and a half I have been judging people and labeling them only to find out I actually dislike when people do that to me. I felt like calling every person I’ve labeled and asking for their forgiveness. Who am I am to determine Agustino's life style based on… hmm pretty much nothing?

I won’t deny it is almost unavoidable to make certain assumptions when you meet people and see what they are wearing or how they speak, but if we could make an effort we would get a glimpse into entire worlds we are missing out on, amazing worlds must I add.

The court fella would have never known Colombia can be an interesting place to visit (yeah I know he said that out of mere courtesy, but I want to believe he really wants to visit) if he wouldn’t have given me a chance to talk to him. What if Agustino is the answer to my prayers and he owns a publishing company and is looking for young, slightly talented, foreign girls to write a book? What if he’s just the most amazing human being? what if he owns a Colombian restaurant and can help me satisfy my cravings for arepas?

I am but human, and judging people seems to come natural to me. But the truth is that the natural thing would be to get to know people before giving an account for their life, right? I believe we can fight our very un-natural, natural instincts and we can start making an effort to erase the pre programmed suppositions we make. What if 80% of the time I am right? if I am going to make 20% of the people I talk to feel the way I’ve felt when people assume things about me based on my heritage, I’d rather let go of that 80% to open up space for endless possibilities in a world were I smile to you only because you are you.

*I changed names so that I won’t get fired but it was along those lines.

Excuses, excuses

2008-10-06T17:43:00.000-07:00

There is only one office space where I work. I am usually by myself sitting in one of the desks making calls and submitting information in the computer but today the office was crowded.

I was sitting in my usual seat when one of my co-workers walked in and asked if he could use the desk I was sitting on and I could move to the other side of the office. Since I don’t have to sit there to do my job I agreed and kept working. Later my boss came in and sat in his desk and then one of the supervisors, who is the most random and funny man in that place, walked in. They all started talking about another guy who was going to be there soon, a guy who had been working there for a couple months, had to work there that morning but didn’t show up, and was going to be laid off.

I kept working without really getting involved in the conversation even though I was sitting in front of my boss's desk since my co-worker made me move. Then the guy who was going to get laid off showed up. Now the supervisor who was there left the room and I was left there in the middle of a talk I wasn’t supposed to witness.

My boss started talking to this guy explaining to him that he had been given many opportunities but he kept showing up late and leaving early and that just couldn’t be. The guy explained over and over again there was traffic this morning and him and his girlfriend share a car, so he has to leave the office early to be able to pick her up to get her to work on time.

I was listening to the whole thing feeling insanely uncomfortable for being there and trying to put myself in the guy’s shoes, and I just kept thinking “this guy will not get a second chance”. He was standing in front of my boss’ desk, almost too close to me, and he kept explaining he only left 10 minutes before 1pm because his girlfriend has to be at work at 1pm and they will fire her if she’s late. I think he didn’t have a point and instead kept digging himself deeper, but I was really trying to play it as though I wasn’t there.

The guy is young and of course he wants his job, but to me giving excuses just didn’t help him at all. I kind of wanted to start answering for him and just say “You are absolutely right, I have been overlooking a couple things and I am willing to improve on the things you are pointing out”. I think my answer would have helped him keep his job. But if I was him and he was me maybe I would have done what he did and he would have thought was I was thinking.

I hate excuses, and I hate when I find myself saying “yes, but…” and I realize every time I’ve done that I just look like someone that is not willing to take responsibility for her actions. I am not saying that explaining yourself is not a good idea; I am saying if someone feels you’ve wronged them they must have a reason for it. I can almost guarantee people don’t say you have done something wrong just because they are bored and want to start a conversation.

I think that we use excuses as a mechanism to look better regarding our flaws but in reality they just makes us look way worse. Excuses are a way to avoid responsibility and deny we played a part in the results we obtained. Excuses are just not honest, they hide part of the issue, our part! We may think we are right but the bottom line is someone felt we weren’t, therefore we should at least consider seeing things through their point of view. After all, last time I checked we are not perfect and we can, just on rare occasions (right?), make mistakes.

Actions have consequences, it’s funny to me how we are willing to embrace the consequences that the right actions bring but we are quick to throw away those consequences of the actions that are less than honorable. If the consequence to doing our job right is a bonus we talk about how hard we’ve worked and how much we deserve it, and we forget some people helped for us to be able to shine as much as we are. If the consequence to doing our job wrong is getting fired we comment on how our boss exaggerated the situation and we really had no choice but to be late because there were balls of fire flying down from the sky when we left our house (or some other lame excuse).

I am working on learning how to deal with responsibility the proper way, a good response is an opportunity to pass praise on and praise others for what all of you accomplished. A bad response is an opportunity to learn, look at my blind spots, fix them, take responsibility and become a better person. I hope the guy who lost his job gets a new one that pays even better than this one, and I hope he can get a car so that him and his girlfriend can both make it to and out of work on time. But the truth is none of that will help if he keep giving excuses when he messes up.

Being awesome-er

2008-10-05T18:40:00.000-07:00

When I was in school I had a wide group of friends, my closest friends were a couple girls that were crazy and liked to have fun; man I love them for all the fun we've had together. We were seniors in high school and we had to stay 2 extra hrs from Monday through Thursday to get extra classes and ensure we were going to do well on our ICFES (the Colombian version of the SAT) scores. We had to stay until 5pm and then all of us would ride in a couple buses provided by the school that would take us home.

I used to ride in this one bus where two of my craziest and most fun friends rode on, we didn’t get to pick the bus but it just happened to be so that all three of us annoying, fun, mean girls ended up sitting together. Well there was this guy who rode that bus with us, his name was Ricardo, he was uhhm different. He was really quiet and absurdly smart, he didn’t have any friends and he used to sit by himself during lunch and have entire conversations with his meal.

Ricardo used to sit up front in the bus so that he would not have to listen to our meaningless conversations about everything and nothing. When we were bored we used to move to the front of the bus; one of us would sit next to him and the other two would kneel on the chair in front of them facing him. Whoever was next to him would start talking to him telling him how sexy we thought he was. We would ask him out and ask him for a kiss over and over again just to annoy him and get a laugh out of it. Most of the time he would ignore us but every now and then he would say something that made no sense to us but that would make the back of the bus and each one of us burst into laughter.

Well the day to take our ICFES came, with it the end f the classes and the fun rides home. Ricardo did great on his ICFES, so did we. On our graduation ceremony Ricardo’s chair sparkled because of his absence. He didn’t come to graduation but sent a message with some teacher saying he just didn’t feel like celebrating with all of us, he didn’t care about graduating more than he cared about any of us. I understand him not coming and quite honestly I didn’t give it much thought, I had plans and I had to say a speech in front of our teachers, my whole class, and their parents. I did my thing and never again I heard about Ricardo.

I have been thinking about him lately, he was a nice kid you know. I remember him helping me in more than one occasion in our chemistry class when I wasn’t able to understand alkali metals and why they were important (chemistry and I have never been good friends). He was brilliant and had an amazing ability to explain different things our chemistry teacher wasn’t able to explain. I kind of wish I could run into Ricardo and say I am very sorry for being a jerk to him, I am sure he doesn’t care anyway but I would love to be able to apologize.

I was thinking about the way I treated Ricardo growing up and I regret what I did, the sad part is things haven’t changed much. I don’t sit next to the guy nobody talks to and tell him he is sexy so that my friends can laugh at him, but I do try to impress people with my actions. I wonder what is it that I want to prove, why do I care about people thinking I am funny, or cool, or pretty?

I don’t know if you were one of the “cool kids” in high school or instead an outcast. It doesn’t really matter, in reality we are all obsessed with trying to impress others even when that means we will run over people’s feelings with the bulldozer that our ego is. I was a stupid teenager back then and I didn’t know that Ricardo’s emotions were more important than a couple laughs and our stupid status; but I am a grown up now I have no excuse to compete for people’s approval.

I can’t imagine how many things I would have learned from Ricardo if I would have decided to sit next to him to just get to know him, what if he had the most awful life and needed a friend to share it with? What if he had the coolest life and needed a friend to share it with? What did I get from proving I was “better” than Ricardo? Quite honestly only regrets!

I know you maybe thinking “oh she was one of them, she's awful” and you are starting to dislike me and see me through the stereotypes that people that grew up doing those kinds of things are seen through. Well, if we are honest I know that you know we are still competing and you are no better than me. You probably have done what I did to Ricardo in some form or fashion, if you can't think of a time that has happened, well you are in denial. You can tell me you have always been kind and nice to others, and your own reputation was never an issue when it came to others’ comfort; but you would be lying and liars don’t go to heaven!

The truth is you can feel the need for approval rising when someone says how much they make a year or how much they weight. But I've been thinking and honestly what are we trying to get approved into? What happens if we are approved? For crying out loud, what does being approved mean? When we are so eager to tell the world we are better, we are prettier, we are smarter, we are cooler, we are awesome-er (I am foreign I can make words up), we miss out on how pretty and smart and cool and awesome others are and that may be a loss we won’t be able to recover from.

If any of you know were Ricardo is tell him he’s awesome for not punching us, also tell him I’d love to have coffee with him if he wants to come to San Diego. In the meantime I am going to make it a point to focus on you and not on me when we have a conversation. I will do my best to stop striving for an approval I really can’t even explain and instead I will make an effort to learn the most from whatever it is that you are saying. I will trade my bulldozer for a table with a cup of coffee and I will enjoy your company!

What women want

2008-10-04T16:16:00.000-07:00

I work around men; I am surrounded by their very disturbing comments, weird sense of humor and sweet protective nature all the time. Most of the guys that work around me are either married or in a relationship so there are women around my work place, they are just not physically present. I am practically the only actual physical woman around their 8hr days, so I get to talk to them about life, women and relationships fairly often.

I was talking to one of the guys I work with about his girlfriend’s birthday coming up, and he said he wanted to get her a car. I said he should if that’s what he wanted and asked him if she would like that. He said he didn’t know; he didn’t know what women want. We laughed and I said “you are not the only one”. We were talking about what women want from men, so the idea of what is it that we want from them kept buzzing in my head like a bee trapped inside a glass.

If I could, I would write a book about what women want, a book that would tell men exactly what it is that women desire. I believe I would become not only a famous writer and a millionaire, but also the object of male and female gratitude all over the world. I really wish I could write that book and make my dreams come true and people’s problems regarding this issue disappear. I got to admit, however, I can’t. I can’t tell you what it is that women want.

I was born a girl, I have always been a girl and I think I am a girly girl. I like shoes, purses, tons and tons of clothes, mushy movies, manicures, make up (even though I don’t wear much), finding the perfect hair product and even though black is my favorite color, purple follows real close. I am not a stupid person, who cares solely about her looks, but I do like to look phenomenal at all times and rarely will you see me with messy hair. I have other interests like football and action movies where everyone gets killed, but I know deep down I am a girly girl.

It is interesting that girly girls are mistaken with bimbos, it’s almost a sin to admit you would rather wear high heels than tennis shoes, and to let people know you do your hair even when that means waking up 40 minutes earlier. Well, I am a girly girl and I don’t consider myself a bimbo, nor has anybody ever referred to me as one. I think women should feel free to embrace their femininity regardless of others perceiving their love for earrings and necklaces as idiocy.

All of that feminist propaganda just to say I am a girl, a full on, high pitch voice, fragile girl. So now that we have established my gender I can tell you what I want. Maybe I won’t answer the question of what it is that all women in the world want, but I will make an attempt to tell you what it is that Jo, with her cute high heels, almost worrying obsession with boots and beautiful hair that takes 40 minutes to look the way it does, wants. Maybe by approaching my desires we will get somewhat closer to what all women want.

I am fairly simple (let me deceive myself please), I want a man. Ok, sure that is too simple, but it is true, I want a man! I don’t want a boy that is still trying to figure out who he is or how to get more girls in his resume. I’ve met guys like that and quickly we found out we weren’t a match. I want a man that is not afraid to make decisions and knows exactly who he is and where he wants to go, even if he doesn’t know how to get there. A man whose pants are properly on and whose decisions won’t change as his mood too, changes. A man of strength who won’t flake as the first inconvenience comes our way.

I want to feel protected; I want to know that if he is around I won’t have to worry about anything because he will cover me, because my well being is more important to him than his own. I want to know that he treasures me so much he’ll make sure nothing harms me, nothing even so much as touches me.

I want a man that will feel so blessed he’s holding my hand he’ll proudly let people know I am his. I want him to look at me and wonder what he ever did to deserve me, I want him to look at me and thank God I am his and his alone. I want him to walk into a room and smile because he thinks everyone there wants to be the one kissing me but he knows he’s the only one who does.

I want a man that cherishes my presence, a man that listens to what I have to say because I am the one saying it. A man that can’t get enough of me and seems saddened when he knows I am not around but whose eyes brighten up when I walk into a room. I want a man that looks for opportunities to let me know I am wanted, and loved, and valued, and appreciated by him.

I want a man that respects me, a man that accepts I am different from him and lets me embrace our differences. A man that encourages my dreams and helps me achieve them. I want someone that won’t let me quit and will be there, when I am ready to give up, to be the extra strength I need not to fail. A man that will tell me not what I want to hear but what I need to hear. An honest person who won’t be able to even consider the idea of lying or hiding things from me.

Finally, I want a man that loves me, a man that really, honestly, without a hint of doubt loves every inch of me. A man that loves me so much, he’ll be willing to do anything and a bit more to get me, a man that knows what I am worth and will be willing to pay the price three times if that means he'll get to get me.

I know you may be thinking that was my girly, mushy side coming out. But I am just being honest, plus I did admit I would rather wear high heels than tennis shoes so if you were expecting something not mushy you are silly. That is what I want and I refuse to give up on what I want because it seems like its only attainable in the movies. The thing is that as I cherish, protect, respect, and love someone the way I want to be cherished, protected, respected and loved; I know I will get exactly all those things and more.

Assume a virtue if you have it not

2008-10-03T00:11:00.000-07:00

This week at work I had to make hundreds of phone calls, I don’t really like making phone calls; in fact I think I may hate it. I had to call a guy whose name was the coolest to pronounce with a fake Italian accent, Alessandro. When he answered the phone he said AP Services this is Alessandro. I was very confused, I am AP Services, he can’t be AP Services, so I said “excuse me? Where are you answering from?” Alessandro started laughing and said he was sorry, he thought I was Mario, my boss, and was playing with him. I laughed along with him and we started talking about his $300.000 car. He told me he was out of town but he has his car waxed every 90 days and washed every week and I said “well, I take it you would like for us to pick up your car and take care of it every week since you love it so much and you are probably a busy man”. He laughed and said he’d love to do that and we arranged the pick up, arranged the price and then he said I was welcome to come to his restaurant in Little Italy anytime (I found out he owns a restaurant next to my Little Italy office).

I talked to Mario, my boss, a couple hours later and told him about the incident. He told me Alessandro is a 24 year old kid who is rarely busy and spends most of his time surfing or traveling. I thought “crap, my assumption was very wrong”. After going around my comment over and over and over again I realized he agreed to us getting his car weekly regardless of my comment, in fact, I think my comment kind of pushed him to do it. I was worried he would be offended but I actually think he liked me, I mean I did get an invitation to the restaurant.

I love Shakepeare, I took a couple classes on his plays and him in college, and I read him every time I have a chance. I remember reading Hamlet say “Assume a virtue if you have it not” and thinking how cool that was. Well with Alessandro Shakespeare’s line became alive one more time. See I think Alessandro was actually excited I thought he was busy and important, and he allowed for me to think that. Not only did he allow for me to think he was busy and important, I am getting money from him because he likes that idea of him. I am not saying he hates his life, I am sure he loves it, God knows I would, but the idea of having a person on the phone think he is a busy man was exciting to the point that he took action and got a service because he “is” a busy man and can’t drive his car himself.

Alessandro is spending more money than he really needs to because I assumed a virtue, I assumed he was a busy man who didn’t have time to drive his own car, therefore he decided to pay me to drive his car even though he really does have the time to do it. I was thinking about the fact that Alessandro decided to live up to the reputation I assumed for him, only because the reputation was positive. I realized, after saying Alessaaaandrooo many times with my fake Italian accent, that I would do the same thing. If you assume I am responsible and let me know I will make my best not to prove you wrong.

People like when you think good things about them, they like to be perceived as good, and humble, and great, and awesome… people like when you like them, it makes them like you back. The most interesting thing about it is that you don’t have to lie to them, all you have to do is focus on the positive. I believe everybody has something good, and humble, and great, and awesome to show off. Everyone has a treasure that we neglect because we are busy with the dirt that is covering it.

I could have said it has to suck to have such an expensive car and have to spend so much money on it. Or I could have blurted it has to be terrible to be so busy you barely have time to drive your own car. But instead I made it sound like he was so important others (aka Colombian immigrants who need money because writing doesn’t pay) had to do those small things that he just has no time to do. And quite honestly that is how I saw it, I never meant anything negative or disrespectful and he liked that.

People like approval, we have established that, well by providing your approval freely people will agree with you and will like you instantly; causing for you to get approval too. I am not saying you should go around telling people they have great hair when in reality their hair needs a serious visit to the salon. I am saying you should tell people they are doing a phenomenal job but maybe they could improve in a couple things and do an even better one.

It is easier to focus on the negative things that go on around us, but it’s worthless. When you point out bad things on people’s lives you are only pointing out the obvious, they know, they live with themselves day in and day out. The last thing people need is for a jerk with great observational talents to point out what they are trying to hide. Instead point out the good things and help them enhance them, that way bad things will start fading as your, and their, eyes are set in what matters; becoming a better person.

Why are they talking to me?

2008-10-02T21:23:00.000-07:00

I moved to San Diego about 2 months ago, I love every corner of San Diego, or at least every corner I've been to. I mean there isn’t much to dislike in San Diego, the weather is amazing, the city is full of things to do, the beach is close, the people are tan, downtown is fun at all times, and I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now; it’s perfect. It hasn’t been easy though, moving is always hard, adjusting takes some time, I miss some people a lot and I am impatient and want to see results now. But all in all moving to San Diego has been one of the best ideas in the world.

Since I moved to San Diego I have met a crazy amount of people, I am usually by myself, either working or just writing and people come up to me to start talking. It is true that in San Diego people are very friendly and I am not so used to that, but it still seems like the amount of people that approach me daily is crazy. A couple weeks ago I went to the beach by myself and I met 8 people, 3 of them asked me to marry them, it was an interesting day.

Now when I say I meet them I mean they talk to me, they want to inquire about my life, they ask so many things it’s like they want to become my best friends in 20 minutes (most of them are guys so it may be my boyfriend in 20 minutes but whatever). I met someone at It’s a grind a couple weeks ago and we talked for a while, he gave me his number after I said I was not going to give him mine. A couple days later I ran into him and he asked why I never called him. It was funny to me that he remembered me and that he asked me why I didn’t call, we talked for 15 minutes at most.

I was thinking about all the people I’ve met, thinking about the different kinds of interactions I’ve had, the conversations I’ve been in and I had to ask myself; why is it that people are approaching me so much?

I know I am pretty (I am not saying that in a conceited way, I am just making an statement that went through my head, so don’t say pfft), I know I am smart and interesting, but seriously that can't be the only reason I am meeting all this people, I mean I am no Heidi Klum. I kept thinking about the reason why I am meeting all the random people in San Diego, and quite honestly I couldn’t say there is an exact reason why people are approaching me. I did however get to a conclusion; there must be one!

I am a genius right? Well, there obviously had to be a reason why people keep coming to talk to me and try to start a conversation with me. I think that believing that they talk to me just because they are hoping to get a date out of a hello is purely foolish, and way too simplistic. There is something they are missing and for a very odd reason they think I may have that something. To put it this way God is sending them to me so that I can give them something they do not have (if you don’t believe in God then fate or life or whatever you want, I believe in God so to me God is sending them).

So after that thought I realized that all the contact I’ve had with strangers in San Diego I have made a point to make it purposeful, I love meeting people but if I am meeting them just to be able to say I have friends and I can call 20 different people on a Friday night to do something, then I might as well stop talking to people. What is the purpose of having people approach me? I don’t know, I don’t know what they are trying to get out of it, but I do know that I want to answer to their approach with a purpose, I want to keep in mind we are not just having a meaningless conversation.

What is it that you have to offer that may change somebody’s day? I am a very positive person, every time something bad happens I scratch all the badness until I find something bright to point out. When people start talking to me they usually start telling me about the things about their lives that suck, it’s funny but we all tend to focus on the negative of our lives more than the positive. Well, I do my scratching and hopefully leave them smiling, and if not, at least I leave them looking at their problems with a different perspective.

I don’t want to meet people just for the fun of meeting people, I want to offer them the joy I live with, the answers I’ve been able to figure out, the peace I’ve found. If not all of that I want to at least offer a smile, some days a smile is all people need to keep walking and hang in there for another day. What about you? What do you want to offer them?

Paralyzing fear

2008-10-01T23:51:00.000-07:00

I was with some of the people I moved to San Diego with working on Urban’s website last night and suddenly we heard someone gasp, and then gasp again, and gasp louder, and gasp one more time. Ben went to his children’s room and there he found one of his girls being unable to breath. She was almost choking on air, he picked her up and started asking her “baby, can you breath?” but all she was doing was that noise, that gasp that seemed so unreal. She wasn’t even crying, she couldn’t, she was just choking, just gasping.

Katie, his wife, came out of the room when she heard her daughter and then all 3 of them went into the master bedroom and closed the door and started the shower, letting hot water run so that the steam would help her breath.

I was overwhelmed, I had never seen something like that, I had never seen such a young person in such agony. Well since I am awesome I did something awesome; I froze. I couldn’t do anything, I was just standing there staring at the room and praying under my breath.

After a couple minutes Ben came out and said she was fine, she was breathing. We called it a night and the three of us that didn’t live there left. We walked to one of the guy’s cars so that he could give the other two of us a ride. The ride to their house (where my car was parked), was a quiet one, we couldn’t really say much, there wasn’t much to say. I got in my car and I sat there, staring at downtown. I was still immobile, I was still frozen, it was just so scary.

I was inundated with thoughts, I started crying and I just sat there for about 20 minutes without being able to drive or talk. I calmed down, and started driving home. I made it home safely and I saw Ben’s daughter today to find out she is doing perfectly fine, which made me really happy.

I still can’t believe I froze, I mean there wasn’t much I could do but regardless freezing? I was so scared. If you know me, you’ll know I am not the passive kind of person, actually passive would be exactly the opposite word of what I am, so for me to have that kind of reaction, to feel the way I felt, it’s just odd.

Almost a year ago I had to speak in front of some people that were taking classes with me, I talked about emotions, one of the emotions I touched was fear. I said what had been said to me about fear and they all grabbed their pens to write it down; I am assuming it was either a good thought or they all got really bored at the same time and started playing with their notebooks. Either way, I decided to share my thought again; fear is False Evidence Appearing Real (I know acronyms are cheesy but the definition is cool so copy and paste the acronym in your personal journal).

That is what I thought of when I couldn’t believe I froze. Fear crawls up your spine and freezes you; it makes you immobile. The thing is that you freeze based on the possibility of something that won’t happen. The evidence you have makes you stop, it slows you down to the point of disarming your motions. The problem with that is that the evidence that is causing your reaction is not real.

I am very well aware that Ben’s daughter choking was real, but that was not what made me afraid. What made me afraid was the possibility of her getting seriously hurt, what made me afraid were all the possibilities of things that could have happened if we wouldn’t have heard her, what made me afraid is that it may happen again and we may not hear her. My fear did not come from her choking but from all the other possibilities that are not real.

Have you met people that are afraid of heights, or spiders, or balloons, or airplanes, or whatever? They are always afraid of things that may not even happen, they are afraid of false evidence. That false evidence causes them to not experience things that they may enjoy if they gather up the courage to get over their fear.

I am not a fearful person in general, there are some things that will scare me though. Last night was an isolated incident that scared me, but there are bigger fears in my life that were exposed as I was pondering about fear. The thought of me being a horrible writer scares me, the thought of failing scares me. I realized after last night that I am looking at those things through eyes of fear, which is why I may fail. How ironic isn't it? my fear of failing may cause me to fail!

I am not the best writer in the world and that is awesome because I can improve, I have so much to learn to become better, I can’t fail. If my eyes are set in the right place, the positive things I can get from trying, instead of the things that scare me of trying, then fear won’t be able to paralyze me. I decided that instead of looking at the worst case scenario when approaching those things that scare me, I will think of the best case scenario. I will focus on the outcome I want, not the outcome I would dislike and I will take action!

Learning to persuade

2008-09-29T18:37:00.000-07:00

So a couple weeks ago I watched a person persuade 3 people to steal ₤100k, I can’t get over the fact that 3 people with good morals actually went for it; that seems crazy to me. It boggles my mind that you can actually persuade people to do things they would not do if you weren’t supplying your amazing persuasive power. As I saw this man persuade the people he persuaded I kept thinking I wanted to learn to do what he does; after all I already make people think things that are not true (like I am German or I don’t know what a trampoline is).

So I have been asking myself; how have I persuaded people before? what have I done? how do you get someone to do something they wouldn’t necessarily do on their own? All of my theories on the matter have either been put to practice before or are being put into practice.

I found out that people will do whatever you do if you believe in what you are saying, or at least if you are very good at pretending you do. So if you are trying to persuade people to jump of a building you better believe they can do. You can't sell what you don't believe in. Derrell in the show I watched (and you can click here to read my blog on it) wasn't trying to prove people can steal, he was trying to prove minds are malleable, minds are vulnerable and susceptible to being persuaded. He firmly believes in that and his confidence gave him his success.

Confidence will get you pretty much anything, if you walk with confidence you are telling people you’ve done this, it has worked and you know it will work again. People will try it just because they think there is nothing to lose since you seem to be so sure it’ll work. Not only that, people will try it because they want to look as confident as you look.

I used to live in Las Vegas and I love the pools inside the hotels, most of them are pretty nice pools. Well the vast majority of them are not open for the public, but I went to almost all of them (or at least to all the ones that you would want to go to anyways). How much did it cost me to get to all of the pools? Not a dime! I just walked in because I knew I could. I know I shouldn’t have done it, I know that is not ok blah blah blah; bottom line is it proves my point. Get over the rules I broke and understand that if it looks like an egg and it smells like an egg, well… even if it is not an egg people will say it is, they will eat it and then say they had the best egg of their lives if that egg walks as though he's the greatest egg on earth.

This one time however, I was walking in and I got stopped by the pool bouncer, or whatever his name is. He asked me for my room key and I told him I wasn’t staying there, so he said the pool was only open for guests. I apologized and started talking to him, I said I was really sorry and talked about how much I loved the pools and the ones I had been too. He seemed interested so I kept the conversation going and after a little bit I changed the subject, and I started asking him a whole bunch of questions about his life and how he got that job. I was asking because I was interested and he had a cool story to tell, I liked it and I told him I did. Then the coolest thing happened; when I was getting ready to leave, I said bye and said I will probably see him around, and he said I could go in!

So I learned my second lesson, people like to be listened to and to be praised. Make everything about them, praise them, show interest. People love when you treat them like human beings, when you are able to see beyond their job description and actually care to ask how they are doing. Now, don’t do that if you don’t care, seriously, what is the point? plus they will be able to see through your fake smile. But if you really care, then show it. Make sure you focus on people’s strengths and let them know you notice them, people love when other people notice their strengths because it reassures them they actually are strengths.

I usually get complimentary desserts or free drinks when I go to restaurants. No, I don’t get them because I wink and smile at the bar tender, I get them because I usually tell the waiter/waitress what an amazing job they are doing and I ask them how their day has been. One time at PF Changs we talked to the waitress and asked her about her life, to find out she had just moved to Las Vegas and hated it so far. We listened, agreed with some things, invited her to some events we knew were going on, and we ordered our food. There were 5 of us and we all had either some kind of chicken or rice. She asked if we liked beef, we said we did but we just loved their chicken. She left brought our food and then 2 minutes later she brought a complimentary plate of Mongolian beef because she wanted us to try something different. Well, Mongolian beef at PF Changs is one of my favorite dishes from there now.

It takes less than 30 secs to tell someone they are great at what they are doing or their sweater really makes them look great. Try it, not only because you want to get things but because you might brighten someone else’s life at the exact moment they needed to see some kind of light. You will find that it is difficult for a person not to agree with you, not to help you or not to support you if you are focusing on them.

The reason you want to persuade people should be noble, it doesn’t have to be and it will still work but why would you want to persuade people to do things that are not good? Try walking with confidence, letting people know you’ve been there and it worked. Try praising people and actually listening to them and you’ll see how the results you get from conversations are much more effective. Persuasion is powerful and I think we can all get better at it.

I am trying to prove a couple of my other theories regarding getting people to do things they wouldn’t do without my little push, so stay tuned, I will post them later!

Ask away

2008-09-28T11:34:00.000-07:00

I had to drive to Malibu today for a wedding, it was not a long drive or anything but I was tired so it was a tiring drive so I had to do something to stay awake and alert. I was going north on I5 and I was on the phone talking to my dad and texting people. I am very well aware of the dangers of texting, talking and driving at the same time so stop moving your head in disapproval please, next time I'll just drink and drive and I know I'll get less unhappy people!

Anyway, since my attention was on everything but the road signals I missed my exit, I was driving and I read something that made me wonder if I had missed my exit. I thought of calling the friend I was meeting up in Malibu to ask if I had missed my exit, but then I didn't want to bother I knew it was a busy afternoon up there. I thought of stopping and asking someone but I didn't want to be late and not be able to guarantee I was going to have enough time to get ready for the weeding. I thought of calling other people, doing other things but I just don't like asking people for favors, I have a really hard time doing that. I ended up calling one of the 3 people in the world I don't feel uncomfortable asking a favor from and realized I could still take I10 to make it to Malibu.

My very uninteresting incident brought to my attention something that has been said to me many many times; you got to ask for things to get them, if you don't ask you don't get! This is very hard for me, I never ask for anything, I never tell people what I need and I try to figure everything out by myself. I will avoid asking like I will avoid walking next to a group of construction workers when I am wearing short shorts.

Now avoiding getting help and asking for favors is ok if you are completely self sufficient and have no need for people at all. And that may be the case for superman and wonder woman. But us, the very mortal human beings that have to feed themselves 3 times a day to survive, we need people at one point or another in our lives.

I have missed on so many things because I don't ask for them it's ridiculous. Many times I have even said I am fine when they offer me a drink when in reality I am parched, it's crazy! I was thinking about the root of my insanity and I got to a dreaded word: pride! I am to proud to accept help, I am too proud to allow outsiders know I don't have everything figured out. I keep saying I was afraid people would say no or I didn't want to bother them, in reality I am just too proud to admit I need help; I am too proud to let people help me.

Sometimes I wouldn't ask for help because I didn't want to owe people anything, yeah I know what you are thinking, but I am not a bad person I just have a human nature. Well I realized that too is pride, I was thinking I was so important people would have me in a list of debtors because I asked if I could get a ride, in reality I am not that important... not at all. And a favor doesn't mean you owe people anything, you can still say no after they've said yes, they will still like you (unless you are saying no because you are jerk and not because you can't in which case people will stop helping you pretty soon anyway).

Well I have decided I am done with not asking for favors or help, I am done with pride (I keep saying that and then I find an area of my life were pride is still breathing and reproducing, ugh). I tried to talk myself into the benefits of asking people for favors and I came up with some pretty cool ones. I was very convincing you should have been there, I know you would be pretty stoked about asking for help right now!

1- You are feeding people's ego - Have you ever been asked something you really know about? doesn't it feel great to be the answer to somebody else's question? It soooo does, I love when I have answers and I don't care who you are, you do too! By allowing for people to give you answers you are feeding their ego and who doesn't like a little ego booster every now and then. Make people happy and get what you need at the same time!

2- You are making them feel needed - When you let people know you can't do it without them they understand they are needed; that gives people a feeling of belonging that goes beyond any "join our group" fill out form.

3- You will waste less time - If instead of trying to figure out everything on your own you let those who have things already figured out help you, well it'll take less time to finish your tasks. It's basic logic really.

4- You have nothing to lose - Seriously what is the worst that can happen? they say no. So what? then you thank them, make a friend and ask the next person.

5- You will regret less things - Many times I have not done something, or I have not gotten something, to find out later all I had to do to get it was ask; needless to say everytime that happened I was really bummed and I wished I would have asked. By simply asking I will avoid the "I am an idiot, I should have asked" moment I really dislike.

6- You may get more than you asked for - The worst case scenario is a no, which means you lost nothing. That leaves a whole bunch of great scenarios; you ask and then you get it, and even better you ask and you get more. Have you ever asked for something and gotten more than you needed? it feels pretty good huh? well, things that feel good should be done often.

7- If you are grateful you'll become better friends - When asking for help if you are grateful and you make sure you let them know you really appreciate their help, then your relationship with the favor-ee (new word for person who does a favor) will be strengthened. Everybody likes friends so use favors and needs as a way to strengthen your relationship with friends.

There were a whole bunch more ideas in my head earlier but I can't remember. Those alone persuaded me to change my 'no favors, no needs' policy. Now, I am not saying I am going to start to ask for everything; don't worry I will still get out of the couch to get that remote and I will still pay for my bill when we go out to dinner; but I will definitely start opening up to the idea of asking for those things I know I can get done by myself, those things I know I want but I am too proud to ask for. Now let's go out and ask away!!